[Intro]
Oh, it's music to my ears, oh, man
How can I describe the way I feel?
Fucking great, man
Okay, let me see
How could I begin?

[Verse 1]
Locked in Mariah's wine cellar, all I had for lunch
Was bread, wine, more bread, wine and Captain Crunch
Red wine for breakfast and for brunch
And to soak it up, an in-between snack, crackers to munch
Mariah, what's ever happened to us?
Why did we have to break up? All I asked for was a glass of punch
You see, I never really asked for much, I can't imagine what's
Going through your mind after such
A nasty break-up with that Latin hunk
Luis Miguel, Nick Cannon, better back the fuck
Up, I'm not playin', I want her back, you punk
This is Hello Kitty bedspread, Satin Funk
Mixed with Egyptian, with a little rap and punk
Zapp and Eric Clapton, Shaft, Frank Zappa, crunk
And, yeah, baby, I want another crack at ya
You can beat me with any spatula that you want
I mean, I really want you bad, you cunt
Nick, you had your fun, I've come to kick you in your sack of junk
Man, I could use a fresh batch of blood
So prepare your vernacular for Dracula acupuncture
[Chorus]
Bagpipes from Baghdad
When will it ever cease? For Pete's sakes, he's crazy to say the least
Bagpipes from Baghdad
What's going through my mind half the time when I rhyme or blowing up like
Bagpipes from Baghdad
Somebody turn the vacancy sign on, 'cause I'm gone, blowing on my
Bagpipes from Baghdad
I run the streets and act like a madman holding a Glad—

[Verse 2]
You can be a permanent fixture in my lyrical mixture
I'm the Miracle Whip trickster
My signature sound, when a tube of lipstick's around
I'm bound to put it on in an instant, wow
Man, what an ensemble!
What an assortment of pharma–ceuticals
This beautiful pill dust in my palm, my
Cuticles get residue just from touchin' the bottle
Never knew I could remind me so much of my momma
I'll cut ya like Dahmer, pull a butcher knife on ya
The size of a sword, boy, I'm like the fuckin' Red Sonja
Get it stuck in your cornea, nice knowing ya, Norman
You're so fuckin' annoyin', drop the shovel, boy
You don't know what the fuck you're doin'
I ain't playin' no fuckin' more
Nick Cannon, you prick, I wish you luck with the fuckin' whore
Every minute there's a sucker born, snuck up on Malachai
Made the motherfucker suck on a shuck of corn
Shuck o', shuck o' corn, Chaka Khan
Hit Jason in the face with a hockey puck, and
Told him it's fuckin' on, man, what the fuck are ya doin'?
You're runnin' over the snowblower with the lawnmower
Blowin' your bagpipes from Baghdad
[Chorus]
Bagpipes from Baghdad
When will it ever cease? For Pete's sakes, he's crazy to say the least
Bagpipes from Baghdad
What's going through my mind half the time when I rhyme or blowing up like
Bagpipes from Baghdad
Somebody turn the vacancy sign on 'cause I'm gone, blowing on my
Bagpipes from Baghdad
I run the streets and act like a madman holding a Glad bag

[Verse 3]
In the bed with two brain-dead lesbian vegetables
I bet you they become heterosexual
Nothing will stop me from molestin' you
Titty-fuckin' you 'til your breast nipple flesh tickles my testicles
Is what I said to the two conjoined twins
How's it going, girlfriends? You needs a boyfriend?
You need some ointment? Just set up an appointment
Who's gonna see the doctor first? We'll do a coin flip
I just got my one-year sobriety coin chip
When the bad get going, how bad does the going get?
Baby, you shouldn't have any trouble rubbing groins with
Each other, especially when you're joined at the hip
I'm going to get the needle and thread from the sewing kit
And attempt to separate 'em and stitch 'em back at the loin, shit
Lure the little boy with the chocolate 'Chips Ahoy!' chip
Cookie, lookie, even took me a Polaroid pic
[Chorus]
Bagpipes from Baghdad
When will it ever cease? For Pete's sakes, he's crazy to say the least
Bagpipes from Baghdad
What's going through my mind half the time when I rhyme or blowing up like
Bagpipes from Baghdad
Somebody turn the vacancy sign on 'cause I'm gone, blowing on my
Bagpipes from Baghdad
I run the streets and act like a madman holding a Glad bag
Oh, bagpipes from Baghdad

[Outro]
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Hghum-day-li-laaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aa-aah-aah
Hghum-day-li-laaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aa-aah-aah
Hghum-day-li-laaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aa-aah-aah