[Intro]
A lot of people ask me stupid fuckin' questions
A lot of people think that what I say on a record
Or what I talk about on a record
That I actually do in real life or that I believe in it
Or if I say that I wanna kill somebody
That I'm actually gonna do it or that I believe in it
Well, shit, if you believe that, then I'll kill you
You know why? 'Cause I'm a criminal!
Criminal! You're goddamn right
I'm a criminal! Yeah, I'm a criminal!

[Verse 1]
My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge
That'll stab you in the head, whether you're a fag or lez
Or a homosex, hermaph or a trans-a-vest
Pants or dress, hate fags? The answer's yes
Homophobic? Nah, you're just heterophobic
Starin' at my jeans, watchin' my genitals bulgin' (Ooh!)
That's my motherfuckin' balls, you'd better let go of 'em
They belong in my scrotum, you'll never get hold of 'em!
"Hey, it's me, Versace! Whoops, somebody shot me!
And I was just checkin' the mail, get it? Checkin' the male?"
How many records you expectin' to sell
After your second LP sends you directly to jail?
Come on, relax, guy! I like gay men
Right, Ken? Give me an amen! (A-men!)
"Please Lord, this boy needs Jesus
Heal this child, help us destroy these demons
Oh, and please send me a brand new car
And a prostitute while my wife's sick in the hospital"
Preacher, preacher! Fifth grade teacher!
You can't reach me, my mom can't neither
You can't teach me a goddamn thing 'cause
I watch TV and Comcast cable
And you ain't able to stop these thoughts
You can't stop me from toppin' these charts
And you can't stop me from droppin' each March
With a brand new CD for these fuckin' retards (Duh)
And to think, it's just little ol' me
Mr. Don't-Give-a-Fuck still won't leave
[Chorus]
I'm a criminal!
'Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind, I guess I'm a criminal!
I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird
And keep goin', I don't take shit from no one
I'm a criminal!
'Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind, I guess I'm a criminal!
I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird
And keep goin', I don't take shit from no one

[Verse 2]
The mother did drugs, hard liquor, cigarettes and speed
The baby came out, disfigured ligaments, indeed
It was a seed who would grow up just as crazy as she
Don't dare make fun of that baby, 'cause that baby was me
I'm a criminal, an animal caged who turned crazed
But how the fuck you supposed to grow up when you weren't raised?
So as I got older and I got a lot taller
My dick shrunk smaller, but my balls got larger
I drank more liquor to fuck you up quicker
Than you'd wanna fuck me up for sayin' the word—
My morals went *thhbbpp* when the president got oral
Sex in his Oval Office on top of his desk off of his own employee
Now, don't ignore me, you won't avoid me
You can't miss me: I'm white, blonde-haired, and my nose is pointy
I'm the bad guy who makes fun of people that die
In plane crashes and laughs as long as it ain't happenin' to him
Slim Shady, I'm as crazy as Em-
-inem and Kim combined (The maniac's in)
In place of the Doctor 'cause Dre couldn't make it today
He's a little under the weather, so I'm takin' his place (Mm-mm-mmm!)
Oh, that's Dre with an AK to his face
Don't make me kill him too and spray his brains all over the place
I told you, Dre, you should've kept that thang put away
I guess that'll teach you not to let me play with it, eh?
I'm a criminal!
[Skit]
MEL-MAN: Aight, look
EMINEM: Uh-huh
MEL-MAN: Just go up in that motherfucker, get the motherfuckin' money and get the fuck up outta there
EMINEM: Aight
MEL-MAN: I'll be right here waitin' on you
EMINEM: Aight
MEL-MAN: Yo, Em
EMINEM: What?!
MEL-MAN: Don't kill nobody this time
EMINEM: Awwright… goddamn, this motherfucker gets on my fuckin' nerves!
{*Whistling*} How you doin'?
TELLER: Hi, how can I help you?
EMINEM: Yeah, I need to make a withdrawal
TELLER: Okay
EMINEM: Put the fuckin' money in the bag, bitch, and I won't kill you!
TELLER: What? Oh my God, don't kill me!
EMINEM: I'm not gonna kill you, bitch, quit lookin' around
TELLER: Don't kill me, I've got two kids at home don't kill me!
EMINEM: I said I'm not gonna fuckin' kill you
TELLER: Don't kill me!
EMINEM: Hurry the fuck up! {*Gunshot*} Thank you!

[Verse 3]
Windows tinted on my ride when I drive in it (Go, go, go!)
So when I rob a bank, run out and just dive in it
So I'll be disguised in it and if anybody identifies
The guy in it, I hide for five minutes
Come back, shoot the eyewitness
Fire at the private eye hired to pry in my business
Die bitches, bastards, brats, pets
This puppy's lucky I didn't blast his ass yet
If I ever gave a fuck, I'd shave my nuts
Tuck my dick in between my legs and cluck
You motherfuckin' chickens ain't brave enough
To say the stuff I say, so just tape it shut
Shit, half the shit I say, I just make it up
To make you mad, so kiss my white naked ass
And if it's not a rapper that I make it as
I'ma be a fuckin' rapist in a Jason mask
[Chorus]
I'm a criminal!
'Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind, I guess I'm a criminal!
I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird
And keep goin', I don't take shit from no one
I'm a criminal!
'Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind, I guess I'm a criminal!
I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird
And keep goin', I don't take shit from no one

[Chorus]
I'm a criminal!
'Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind, I guess I'm a criminal!
I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird
And keep goin', I don't take shit from no one
I'm a criminal!
'Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind, I guess I'm a criminal!
I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird
And keep goin', I don't take shit from no one

[Outro]
(I am) I'm a criminal!