[Produced by Dr. Dre]

[Verse 1]
I was born with a dick in my brain — yeah, fucked in the head
My stepfather said that I sucked in the bed
'Til one night, he snuck in and said
"We're going out back, I want my dick sucked in the shed"
Can't we just play with Teddy Ruxpin instead?
"After I fuck you in the butt, get some head, bust a nut, get some rest"
The next day, my mother said "I don't know what the fuck's up with this kid!
The bastard won't even eat nothing, he's fed
He just hung himself in the bedroom, he's dead!"
"Debbie, don't let that fucker get you upset
Go in there, stick a fuckin' cigarette to his neck
I'll bet you he's fakin' it, I'll bet you
I bet he probably just wants to see how upset you would get
I'll go handle this, of course, unless you object?"
"Aw, go fuck his brains out if any's left in his head!"

[Chorus x2]
If you could count the skeletons in my closet
Under my bed and up under my faucet
Then you would know I've completely lost it
Is he nuts? No! He's insane!

[Verse 2]
"Did you get him?" — "Nah, fucker tried to bite my face off
I just got fuckin' chased off with a chainsaw
Then he took the chainsaw, bit the fuckin' blades off
Ate the blades, stuck a baseball in a slingshot
Then he aimed at his own face, let the thing pop
Took his eye out, picked it up and played ping pong
Then he played ping pong with his own ding-dong
That motherfucker's got nuts like King Kong
Then he set the lawnmower out on the dang lawn
And he laid all up underneath it with the thing on
Then he took his pants, he took every fuckin' thing off
Everything 'cept his tank top and his training bra
Ain't he raw?" Yeah, maniac, that's Shady, dawg
Man, that motherfucker's gangsta, ain't he dawg?
Shady, dawg, what be goin' through that fuckin' brain of yours?
Say no more, what the fuck you waitin' for? Sing along!
[Chorus x2]
If you could count the skeletons in my closet
Under my bed and up under my faucet
Then you would know I've completely lost it
Is he nuts? No! He's insane!

[Verse 3]
Don't you know what felch means? (Yeah) Well, then tell me
Would you rather get felched, or do the felching?
Fuck 'em in the ass, suck the cum out while you're belching (Urrp!)
Burp, belch and go back for a second helping
Can you dig what I'm saying, man? Can you smell me?
I want you to feel me like my stepfather felt me (Oh...)
Fuck a little puppy, kick the puppy while he's yelping
"Shady, what the fuck you saying?" — I don't know, help me!
What the fuck's happening? I think I'm fuckin' melting
"Marshall, I just love you, boy, I care about your well-being"
No, Dad, I said no! I don't need no help peeing
I'm a big boy, I can do it by myself, see?
I only get naked when the babysitter tells me
She showed me a movie like Nightmare on Elm Street
But it was X and they called it "Pubic Hair on Chelsea"
"Well, this is called 'Ass Rape', and we're shooting the jail scene"

[Chorus x2]
If you could count the skeletons in my closet
Under my bed and up under my faucet
Then you would know I've completely lost it
Is he nuts? No! He's insane