[Intro]
A lot of people ask me stupid ****** questions
A lot of people think that what I say on a record
Or what I talk about on a record
That I actually do in real life or that I believe in it
Or if I say that I wanna **** somebody
That I'm actually gonna do it or that I believe in it
Well, ****, if you believe that, then I'll **** you
You know why? 'Cause I'm a criminal!
Criminal! You're ******* right
I'm a criminal! Yeah, I'm a criminal!

[Verse 1]
My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge
That'll **** you in the head, whether you're a *** or ***
Or a homosex, hermaph or a trans-a-vest
Pants or dress, hate ***? The answer's yes
Homophobic? Nah, you're just heterophobic
Staring at my jeans, watching my genitals bulging (Ooh!)
That's my ************* *****, you'd better let go of 'em
They belong in my scrotum, you'll never get hold of 'em!
"Hey, it's me, Versace! Whoops, somebody shot me!
And I was just checking the mail, get it? Checking the male?"
How many records you expecting to sell
After your second LP sends you directly to jail?
Come on, relax, guy! I like gay men
Right, Ken? Give me an amen! (A-men!)
"Please Lord, this boy needs Jesus
Heal this child, help us destroy these demons
Oh, and please send me a brand new car
And a prostitute while my wife's sick in the hospital"
Preacher, preacher! Fifth grade teacher!
You can't reach me, my mom can't neither
You can't teach me a go ******* thing 'cause
I watch TV and Comcast cable
And you ain't able to stop these thoughts
You can't stop me from topping these charts
And you can't stop me from dropping each March
With a brand new CD for these ******* retards (Duh)
And to think, it's just little old me
Mr. Don't-Give-a-**** still won't leave
[Chorus]
I'm a criminal!
'Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind, I guess I'm a criminal!
I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird
And keep going, I don't take **** from no one
I'm a criminal!
'Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind, I guess I'm a criminal!
I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird
And keep going, I don't take **** from no one

[Verse 2]
The mother did *****, hard liquor, cigarettes and speed
The baby came out, disfigured ligaments, indeed
It was a seed who would grow up just as crazy as she
Don't dare make fun of that baby, 'cause that baby was me
I'm a criminal, an animal caged who turned crazed
But how the **** you supposed to grow up when you weren't raised?
So as I got older and I got a lot taller
My **** shrunk smaller, but my ***** got larger
I drank more liquor to **** you up quicker
Than you'd wanna **** me up for saying the word—
My morals went *thhbbpp* when the president got oral
***in his Oval Office on top of his desk off of his own employee
Now, don't ignore me, you won't avoid me
You can't miss me: I'm white, blonde-haired, and my nose is pointy
I'm the bad guy who makes fun of people that die
In plane crashes and laughs as long as it ain't happening to him
Slim Shady, I'm as crazy as Em-
-inem and Kim combined (The maniac's in)
In place of the Doctor 'cause Dre couldn't make it today
He's a little under the weather, so I'm taking his place (Mm-mm-mmm!)
Oh, that's Dre with an AK to his face
Don't make me **** him too and spray his brains all over the place
I told you, Dre, you should've kept that thang put away
I guess that'll teach you not to let me play with it, eh?
I'm a criminal!
[Skit]
MEL-MAN: Aight, look
EMINEM: Uh-huh
MEL-MAN: Just go up in that *************, get the ************ money and get the ****up outta there
EMINEM: Aight
MEL-MAN: I'll be right here waiting on you
EMINEM: Aight
MEL-MAN: Yo, Em
EMINEM: What?!
MEL-MAN: Don't **** nobody this time
EMINEM: Awwright… *******, this ****** gets on my ******* nerves!
{*Whistling*} How you doing?
TELLER: Hi, how can I help you?
EMINEM: Yeah, I need to make a withdrawal
TELLER: Okay
EMINEM: Put the ******* money in the bag, *****, and I won't **** you!
TELLER: What? Oh my God, don't **** me!
EMINEM: I'm not gonna **** you, *****, quit looking around
TELLER: Don't **** me, I've got two kids at home don't **** me!
EMINEM: I said I'm not gonna ******* **** you
TELLER: Don't **** me!
EMINEM: Hurry the **** up! {*Gunshot*} Thank you!

[Verse 3]
Windows tinted on my ride when I drive in it (Go, go, go!)
So when I rob a bank, run out and just dive in it
So I'll be disguised in it and if anybody identifies
The guy in it, I hide for five minutes
Come back, ***** the eyewitness
Fire at the private eye hired to pry in my business
Die *******, bastards, brats, pets
This puppy's lucky I didn't blast his *** yet
If I ever gave a *****, I'd shave my nuts
Tuck my **** in between my legs and cluck
You ************* chickens ain't brave enough
To say the stuff I say, so just tape it ****
****, half the **** I say, I just make it up
To make you mad, so kiss my white naked ***
And if it's not a rapper that I make it as
I'ma be a ******* ****** in a Jason mask
[Chorus]
I'm a criminal!
'Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind, I guess I'm a criminal!
I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird
And keep going, I don't take **** from no one
I'm a criminal!
'Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind, I guess I'm a criminal!
I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird
And keep going, I don't take **** from no one

[Chorus]
I'm a criminal!
'Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind, I guess I'm a criminal!
I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird
And keep going, I don't take **** from no one
I'm a criminal!
'Cause every time I write a rhyme these people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind, I guess I'm a criminal!
I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird
And keep going, I don't take **** from no one

[Outro]
(I am) I'm a criminal!