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JONGHYUN
Testament Transcript
On Dec. 17, 2017, Dear Cloud's Nine9, a dear friend of JONGHYUN, publicized the South Korean artist’s testament on Instagram, a day after he committed suicide. Here is an authentic transcript of JONGHYUN's testament, duly released based on his will.

Korean Transcript

λ‚œ μ†μ—μ„œλΆ€ν„° κ³ μž₯났닀.
천천히 λ‚  κ°‰μ•„λ¨Ήλ˜ μš°μšΈμ€ κ²°κ΅­ λ‚  μ§‘μ–΄μ‚ΌμΌ°κ³ 
λ‚œ κ·Έκ±Έ 이길 수 μ—†μ—ˆλ‹€.
λ‚˜λŠ” λ‚  λ―Έμ›Œν–ˆλ‹€. λŠκΈ°λŠ” 기얡을 λΆ™λ“€κ³  아무리 정신차리라고 μ†Œλ¦¬μ³λ΄λ„ 닡은 μ—†μ—ˆλ‹€.
λ§‰νžˆλŠ” μˆ¨μ„ 틔어쀄 수 μ—†λ‹€λ©΄ 차라리 λ©ˆμΆ”λŠ”κ²Œ λ‚˜μ•„.
λ‚  μ±…μž„μ§ˆ 수 μžˆλŠ”κ±΄ λˆ„κ΅¬μΈμ§€ λ¬Όμ—ˆλ‹€.
λ„ˆλΏμ΄μ•Ό.
λ‚œ 였둯이 ν˜Όμžμ˜€λ‹€.
λλ‚Έλ‹€λŠ” 말은 쉽닀.
λλ‚΄κΈ°λŠ” μ–΄λ ΅λ‹€.
κ·Έ 어렀움에 여지껏 μ‚΄μ•˜λ‹€.
λ„λ§μΉ˜κ³  싢은거라 ν–ˆλ‹€.
λ§žμ•„. λ‚œ λ„λ§μΉ˜κ³  μ‹Άμ—ˆμ–΄.
λ‚˜μ—κ²Œμ„œ.
λ„ˆμ—κ²Œμ„œ.

κ±°κΈ° λˆ„κ΅¬λƒκ³  λ¬Όμ—ˆλ‹€. λ‚˜λΌκ³  ν–ˆλ‹€. 또 λ‚˜λΌκ³  ν–ˆλ‹€. 그리고 또 λ‚˜λΌκ³ ν–ˆλ‹€.
μ™œ 자꾸만 기얡을 μžƒλƒ ν–ˆλ‹€. 성격 νƒ“μ΄λž€λ‹€. κ·Έλ ‡κ΅°μš”. κ²°κ΅­μ—” λ‹€ λ‚΄νƒ“μ΄κ΅°μš”.
λˆˆμΉ˜μ±„μ£ΌκΈΈ λ°”λž¬μ§€λ§Œ 아무도 λͺ°λžλ‹€. λ‚  λ§Œλ‚œμ  μ—†μœΌλ‹ˆ λ‚΄κ°€ μžˆλŠ”μ§€λ„ λͺ¨λ₯΄λŠ”κ²Œ λ‹Ήμ—°ν•΄.
μ™œ μ‚¬λŠλƒ λ¬Όμ—ˆλ‹€. κ·Έλƒ₯. κ·Έλƒ₯. λ‹€λ“€ κ·Έλƒ₯ 산단닀.
μ™œ μ£½μœΌλƒ 물으면 μ§€μ³€λ‹€ ν•˜κ² λ‹€.
μ‹œλ‹¬λ¦¬κ³  κ³ λ―Όν–ˆλ‹€. μ§€κ²¨μš΄ 톡증듀을 ν™˜ν¬λ‘œ λ°”κΎΈλŠ” 법은 배운 적도 μ—†μ—ˆλ‹€.
톡증은 톡증일 뿐이닀.
κ·ΈλŸ¬μ§€ 말라고 λ‚  λ‹€κ·Έμ³€λ‹€.
μ™œμš”? λ‚œ μ™œ λ‚΄ λ§ˆμŒλŒ€λ‘œ 끝도 λͺ»λ§Ίκ²Œ ν•΄μš”?
μ™œ μ•„ν”ˆμ§€λ₯Ό 찾으라 ν–ˆλ‹€.
λ„ˆλ¬΄ 잘 μ•Œκ³ μžˆλ‹€. λ‚œ λ‚˜ λ•Œλ¬Έμ— μ•„ν”„λ‹€. μ „λΆ€ λ‹€ λ‚΄ 탓이고 λ‚΄κ°€ λͺ»λ‚˜μ„œμ•Ό.
μ„ μƒλ‹˜ 이말이 λ“£κ³ μ‹Άμ—ˆλ‚˜μš”?
아뇨. λ‚œ 잘λͺ»ν•œκ²Œ μ—†μ–΄μš”.
μ‘°κ·Όν•œ λͺ©μ†Œλ¦¬λ‘œ 내성격을 νƒ“ν• λ•Œ μ˜μ‚¬ μ°Έ 쉽닀 μƒκ°ν–ˆλ‹€.
μ™œ μ΄λ ‡κ²ŒκΉŒμ§€ μ•„ν”ˆμ§€ μ‹ κΈ°ν•œ 노릇이닀. λ‚˜λ³΄λ‹€ νž˜λ“  μ‚¬λžŒλ“€λ„ 잘만 μ‚΄λ˜λ°. λ‚˜λ³΄λ‹€ μ•½ν•œ μ‚¬λžŒλ“€λ„ 잘만 μ‚΄λ˜λ°. μ•„λ‹Œκ°€λ³΄λ‹€. μ‚΄μ•„μžˆλŠ” μ‚¬λžŒ 쀑에 λ‚˜λ³΄λ‹€ νž˜λ“  μ‚¬λžŒμ€ μ—†κ³  λ‚˜λ³΄λ‹€ μ•½ν•œ μ‚¬λžŒμ€ μ—†λ‹€.
κ·Έλž˜λ„ μ‚΄μœΌλΌκ³  ν–ˆλ‹€.
μ™œ κ·Έλž˜μ•Όν•˜λŠ”μ§€ 수백번 물어봐도 λ‚ μœ„ν•΄μ„œλŠ” μ•„λ‹ˆλ‹€. λ„μœ„ν•΄μ„œλ‹€.
λ‚  μœ„ν•˜κ³  μ‹Άμ—ˆλ‹€.
제발 λͺ¨λ₯΄λŠ” μ†Œλ¦¬ μ’€ ν•˜μ§€ λ§μ•„μš”.
μ™œ νž˜λ“ μ§€λ₯Ό μ°ΎμœΌλΌλ‹ˆ. λͺ‡λ²ˆμ΄λ‚˜ μ–˜κΈ°ν•΄ μ€¬μž–μ•„. μ™œ λ‚΄κ°€ νž˜λ“ μ§€. κ·Έκ±Έλ‘œλŠ” 이만큼 νž˜λ“€λ©΄ μ•ˆλΌλŠ”κ±°μ•Ό? 더 ꡬ체적인 λ“œλΌλ§ˆκ°€ μžˆμ–΄μ•Ό ν•˜λŠ”κ±°μ•Ό? μ’€ 더 사연이 μžˆμ—ˆμœΌλ©΄ ν•˜λŠ” κ±°μ•Ό?
이미 μ΄μ•ΌκΈ°ν–ˆμž–μ•„. ν˜Ήμ‹œ ν˜λ €λ“€μ€ κ±° μ•„λ‹ˆμ•Ό? 이겨낼 μˆ˜μžˆλŠ”κ±΄ ν‰ν„°λ‘œ 남지 μ•Šμ•„.
세상과 λΆ€λ”ͺνžˆλŠ” 건 λ‚΄ λͺ«μ΄ μ•„λ‹ˆμ—ˆλ‚˜λ΄.
세상에 μ•Œλ €μ§€λŠ” 건 λ‚΄ 삢이 μ•„λ‹ˆμ—ˆλ‚˜λ΄.
λ‹€ κ·Έλž˜μ„œ νž˜λ“  거더라. λΆ€λ”ͺν˜€μ„œ, μ•Œλ €μ Έμ„œ νž˜λ“€λ”λΌ. μ™œ κ·Έκ±Έ νƒν–ˆμ„κΉŒ. 웃긴 일이닀.
μ§€κΈˆκ» 버티고 μžˆμ—ˆλ˜κ²Œ μš©ν•˜μ§€.
무슨 말을 더해. κ·Έλƒ₯ μˆ˜κ³ ν–ˆλ‹€κ³  ν•΄μ€˜.
μ΄λ§Œν•˜λ©΄ μž˜ν–ˆλ‹€κ³ . κ³ μƒν–ˆλ‹€κ³  ν•΄μ€˜.
μ›ƒμ§€λŠ” λͺ»ν•˜λ”라도 νƒ“ν•˜λ©° 보내진 λ§μ•„μ€˜.
μˆ˜κ³ ν–ˆμ–΄.
정말 κ³ μƒν–ˆμ–΄.
μ•ˆλ…•.English Trancript
I was broken from the inside. The blues that slowly gnawed me eventually swallowed me, and I wasn't able to defeat it. I hated myself. I held onto a breaking memory and yelled in order to recollect my mind, and yet, there was no answer. If there’s no way to burst out my choking breath, it's probably better to stop it. I asked who could be responsible for myself. "It's only you." I was totally alone. "I'm ending," is easily said. But it's hard to end. And I lived along with that difficulty until now. I said, "I wanted to escape." Yes. I wanted to escape. From myself. From you.
He said, "Who's there." I said it was me. I said it again. And again, I said it was me. I asked him the reason I kept losing my memory. He said it was my nature. Really. So, in the end, it's all my fault. I yearned for someone to notice, but no one knew. Of course, you've never met me before, and you never knew I was there. He asked me why I lived. Just. Just. Everyone just says they live. If I was asked why I was dying, I would say, because I was tired. I suffered and wondered. I never learned how to transform dull pains into joy. Pain is just pain. They urged me not to say that.

Why? Why do you not let me deal it with myself? I tried to find why I was hurting. I knew it too well. It hurt because I was myself. It’s all my fault, and because I was plain bad.

Did you want to listen to these words, teacher? No. I did nothing wrong. I thought, "It’s quite simple to be a doctor," when you blamed on my personality with that low voice. It's really special to see why hurts like this so much. There are people in more difficult situations than me who are living so well. There are people weaker than me who are living so well. Maybe it’s not. Among the living, there are no people arduous nor weaker than me. But he said to live still.

Even if you asked me hundreds of times why I had to live, I would say it wasn't for me. It was for you. I wanted it to be for me.

Stop saying things you don't know. Find the reason you're like this. I already told you many times. Why I’m like that. It is still not good to be this difficult enough? Should there be a more specific drama? Must there be a greater story than this?

I already told you about my story. Don't say that you've let loose of this. Winning against it doesn't end just with a scar. Maybe it wasn't on my part to crash against the world. Maybe it wasn't on my part to be known to the world. So, that's why it was hard. It was because I crashed into the world; because I was known to it. Why did I choose to do that? It's a funny thing.

It's admirable that I was able to withstand until now. Say what, just say that I did well. That I did well by going this far. That I did a good job. Although you can't laugh, don't let go of me after I take the blame. You did well. Really, you did well.

Goodbye.