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Testament Transcript
On Dec. 17, 2017, Dear Cloud's Nine9, a dear friend of JONGHYUN, publicized the South Korean artistβs testament on Instagram, a day after he committed suicide. Here is an authentic transcript of JONGHYUN's testament, duly released based on his will.
Korean Transcript
λ μμμλΆν° κ³ μ₯λ¬λ€.
μ²μ²ν λ κ°μλ¨Ήλ μ°μΈμ κ²°κ΅ λ μ§μ΄μΌμΌ°κ³
λ κ·Έκ±Έ μ΄κΈΈ μ μμλ€.
λλ λ λ―Έμνλ€. λκΈ°λ κΈ°μ΅μ λΆλ€κ³ μ무리 μ μ 차리λΌκ³ μ리μ³λ΄λ λ΅μ μμλ€.
λ§νλ μ¨μ νμ΄μ€ μ μλ€λ©΄ μ°¨λΌλ¦¬ λ©μΆλκ² λμ.
λ μ±
μμ§ μ μλ건 λꡬμΈμ§ λ¬Όμλ€.
λλΏμ΄μΌ.
λ μ€λ‘―μ΄ νΌμμλ€.
λλΈλ€λ λ§μ μ½λ€.
λλ΄κΈ°λ μ΄λ ΅λ€.
κ·Έ μ΄λ €μμ μ¬μ§κ» μ΄μλ€.
λλ§μΉκ³ μΆμκ±°λΌ νλ€.
λ§μ. λ λλ§μΉκ³ μΆμμ΄.
λμκ²μ.
λμκ²μ.
κ±°κΈ° λꡬλκ³ λ¬Όμλ€. λλΌκ³ νλ€. λ λλΌκ³ νλ€. κ·Έλ¦¬κ³ λ λλΌκ³ νλ€.
μ μκΎΈλ§ κΈ°μ΅μ μλ νλ€. μ±κ²© νμ΄λλ€. κ·Έλ κ΅°μ. κ²°κ΅μ λ€ λ΄νμ΄κ΅°μ.
λμΉμ±μ£ΌκΈΈ λ°λ¬μ§λ§ μ무λ λͺ°λλ€. λ λ§λμ μμΌλ λ΄κ° μλμ§λ λͺ¨λ₯΄λκ² λΉμ°ν΄.
μ μ¬λλ λ¬Όμλ€. κ·Έλ₯. κ·Έλ₯. λ€λ€ κ·Έλ₯ μ°λ¨λ€.
μ μ£½μΌλ λ¬ΌμΌλ©΄ μ§μ³€λ€ νκ² λ€.
μλ¬λ¦¬κ³ κ³ λ―Όνλ€. μ§κ²¨μ΄ ν΅μ¦λ€μ νν¬λ‘ λ°κΎΈλ λ²μ λ°°μ΄ μ λ μμλ€.
ν΅μ¦μ ν΅μ¦μΌ λΏμ΄λ€.
κ·Έλ¬μ§ λ§λΌκ³ λ λ€κ·Έμ³€λ€.
μμ? λ μ λ΄ λ§μλλ‘ λλ λͺ»λ§Ίκ² ν΄μ?
μ μνμ§λ₯Ό μ°ΎμΌλΌ νλ€.
λ무 μ μκ³ μλ€. λ λ λλ¬Έμ μνλ€. μ λΆ λ€ λ΄ νμ΄κ³ λ΄κ° λͺ»λμμΌ.
μ μλ μ΄λ§μ΄ λ£κ³ μΆμλμ?
μλ¨. λ μλͺ»νκ² μμ΄μ.
μ‘°κ·Όν λͺ©μλ¦¬λ‘ λ΄μ±κ²©μ νν λ μμ¬ μ°Έ μ½λ€ μκ°νλ€.
μ μ΄λ κ²κΉμ§ μνμ§ μ κΈ°ν λ
Έλ¦μ΄λ€. λλ³΄λ€ νλ μ¬λλ€λ μλ§ μ΄λλ°. λλ³΄λ€ μ½ν μ¬λλ€λ μλ§ μ΄λλ°. μλκ°λ³΄λ€. μ΄μμλ μ¬λ μ€μ λλ³΄λ€ νλ μ¬λμ μκ³ λλ³΄λ€ μ½ν μ¬λμ μλ€.
κ·Έλλ μ΄μΌλΌκ³ νλ€.
μ κ·ΈλμΌνλμ§ μλ°±λ² λ¬Όμ΄λ΄λ λ μν΄μλ μλλ€. λμν΄μλ€.
λ μνκ³ μΆμλ€.
μ λ° λͺ¨λ₯΄λ μ리 μ’ νμ§ λ§μμ.
μ νλ μ§λ₯Ό μ°ΎμΌλΌλ. λͺλ²μ΄λ μκΈ°ν΄ μ€¬μμ. μ λ΄κ° νλ μ§. κ·Έκ±Έλ‘λ μ΄λ§νΌ νλ€λ©΄ μλΌλκ±°μΌ? λ ꡬ체μ μΈ λλΌλ§κ° μμ΄μΌ νλκ±°μΌ? μ’ λ μ¬μ°μ΄ μμμΌλ©΄ νλ κ±°μΌ?
μ΄λ―Έ μ΄μΌκΈ°νμμ. νΉμ νλ €λ€μ κ±° μλμΌ? μ΄κ²¨λΌ μμλ건 νν°λ‘ λ¨μ§ μμ.
μΈμκ³Ό λΆλͺνλ 건 λ΄ λͺ«μ΄ μλμλλ΄.
μΈμμ μλ €μ§λ 건 λ΄ μΆμ΄ μλμλλ΄.
λ€ κ·Έλμ νλ κ±°λλΌ. λΆλͺνμ, μλ €μ Έμ νλ€λλΌ. μ κ·Έκ±Έ ννμκΉ. μκΈ΄ μΌμ΄λ€.
μ§κΈκ» λ²ν°κ³ μμλκ² μ©νμ§.
λ¬΄μ¨ λ§μ λν΄. κ·Έλ₯ μκ³ νλ€κ³ ν΄μ€.
μ΄λ§νλ©΄ μνλ€κ³ . κ³ μνλ€κ³ ν΄μ€.
μμ§λ λͺ»νλλΌλ ννλ©° 보λ΄μ§ λ§μμ€.
μκ³ νμ΄.
μ λ§ κ³ μνμ΄.
μλ
.English Trancript
I was broken from the inside. The blues that slowly gnawed me eventually swallowed me, and I wasn't able to defeat it. I hated myself. I held onto a breaking memory and yelled in order to recollect my mind, and yet, there was no answer. If thereβs no way to burst out my choking breath, it's probably better to stop it. I asked who could be responsible for myself. "It's only you." I was totally alone. "I'm ending," is easily said. But it's hard to end. And I lived along with that difficulty until now. I said, "I wanted to escape." Yes. I wanted to escape. From myself. From you.
He said, "Who's there." I said it was me. I said it again. And again, I said it was me. I asked him the reason I kept losing my memory. He said it was my nature. Really. So, in the end, it's all my fault. I yearned for someone to notice, but no one knew. Of course, you've never met me before, and you never knew I was there. He asked me why I lived. Just. Just. Everyone just says they live. If I was asked why I was dying, I would say, because I was tired. I suffered and wondered. I never learned how to transform dull pains into joy. Pain is just pain. They urged me not to say that.
Why? Why do you not let me deal it with myself? I tried to find why I was hurting. I knew it too well. It hurt because I was myself. Itβs all my fault, and because I was plain bad.
Did you want to listen to these words, teacher? No. I did nothing wrong. I thought, "Itβs quite simple to be a doctor," when you blamed on my personality with that low voice. It's really special to see why hurts like this so much. There are people in more difficult situations than me who are living so well. There are people weaker than me who are living so well. Maybe itβs not. Among the living, there are no people arduous nor weaker than me. But he said to live still.
Even if you asked me hundreds of times why I had to live, I would say it wasn't for me. It was for you. I wanted it to be for me.
Stop saying things you don't know. Find the reason you're like this. I already told you many times. Why Iβm like that. It is still not good to be this difficult enough? Should there be a more specific drama? Must there be a greater story than this?
I already told you about my story. Don't say that you've let loose of this. Winning against it doesn't end just with a scar. Maybe it wasn't on my part to crash against the world. Maybe it wasn't on my part to be known to the world. So, that's why it was hard. It was because I crashed into the world; because I was known to it. Why did I choose to do that? It's a funny thing.
It's admirable that I was able to withstand until now. Say what, just say that I did well. That I did well by going this far. That I did a good job. Although you can't laugh, don't let go of me after I take the blame. You did well. Really, you did well.
Goodbye.