John Mulaney
Blacking Out and Making Money
I love coming out to clubs and bars on the weekends because nowadays every bar will bust out some crazy drink special, you know? You'll see em' advertised, and honestly most of them are okay.
The ones around, they'll be like, "Bucket of beers" or "Ladies drink free," but then sometimes I'll hear about a drink special that sounds like, borderline dangerous. Like my friend will call me up and be like,
"Man, we gotta go to O'Halligans tonight. It is nickel shot night." Like, yeah... I'm pretty sure we'll die if we go to O'Halligans. Nickel shot night should be illegal.

You know what I used to do, San Francisco? I used to do black out drinking every night of the week. That's absolutely true I used to do that every night. For those of you who don't know what that is, blacking out is when you drink so much that your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all "Eye of the Tiger" and soldiers on.
I used to do this every night of the week. I'm not proud of that fact by the way. I'm not proud that I blacked out every night. I'm not proud that I saw the movie The Notebook in the theater, but it happened. I can't change the past. It was a matinée, too. It's pathetic.

I'll tell you about blacking out. It was always weird when I'd go out for the night with like some money, and then black out and wake up with no money. It was even weirder, though, when I went out for the night with some money, black out, and wake up with more money, because that means that I earned money. That means that I traded goods and/or services. Which is scary.

Scary, but sometimes I'd almost be proud of it, you know? Like, "Wow, I turned twenty dollars into a hundred dollars. I am a financial wizard." Like, I would like to give people money advice now, but I don't know how that would go, you know? Like they would just be like, "John, we're looking to get rich quick," and I'd be like, "Well, have you tried mixing daiquiris with Ambien?" They're like, "Does that work?" I'm like, "It didn't not work."

I started drinking when I was way too young. I was about thirteen when I started, but honestly, that is nothing because I saw a Dateline NBC special about alcoholics, alright? And they interviewed this woman who started drinking when she was eight years old. When she was eight! It was hilarious.

I don't even know what I'd be like drunk at eight years old. Like my dad comes home from work and is like:

"So, John, boy. What did you do today?"
And I'm just like, "Heh, um, colored."
"You, you did what now?"
"You know, coloring?"
"Like, with a crayon?"
"Well, uh, what did you color?"
"Some big fuckin' brontosaurus. It doesn't matter. What did you color? Fuck you! You come down to my level, you come down here, you come down here. You don't know me. I have secrets. Why yesterday I wore my footie pajamas under my clothes, and I pretended that I was a fuckin' fireman."
"Were you at O'Halligans tonight?"
"It was nickel shot night! For a quarter they gave me this many."