John Mulaney
New in Town
Had a lot of strange interactions on the street. Years ago, I was walking down the street and a homeless guy came up to me and he walked up to me and he pushed me and he pushed me like that. He pushed me in the chest and then he said these things, in this order: He pushed me and he said, "Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, I'm new in town..." You're gonna close with new in town? That is not the most dramatic thing that you just said As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire: "You had me at AIDS."

Here's how I would've ordered those things. I would've said: "Excuse me, I'm new in town and it gets worse."

Didn't that guy like practice his pitch at all in the mirror that morning and just figure out what he was gonna say, you know, just like, just like in the morning be like "All right what'm I gonna do today, what'm I gonna do right? I'll walk up and say hello. No wait that's too subtle. I'm gonna push him and I'm gonna say 'I'm new in town' No, no, hold back hold back, save 'em, build to that. How 'bout I go up to him and I push him and I go, "I have AIDS." No that's too strong, all right. I'll walk up to him, I'm gonna push him I will start with the fact that I am homeless, as that is a given. Then for a little back story I will pepper in the fact that I am gay," which I know it's tough for gay youths on the street, but that's not like a reason for money. You can't just be like "Can you help me out? I'm very gay. I'd like a few dollars."

I always love how he phrased it by the way. He didn't say he was living on the streets, he was like "I'm new in town" like it was intriguing. Like he wanted me to set him up with somebody
Like I have a friend who's like "There's no single guys left in Manhattan"
And I'm like "I know someone who's new in town."
"What are three other things about him?"