John Mulaney
A Child With Lawyers
I was nervous all the time, but I had a good family, I have wonderful parents. A lot of guys my age, I'll hear them say this. They'll go, "Every day I think I'm becoming more like my dad." I think I'm becoming more like my mom? Because I- I was watching that show "Access Hollywood" and one of the reporters said, "Up next, we've got an exclusive interview with Sandra Bullock's former husband, Jessie James." And out loud, I went, "Euch! This ought to be good." That's pure mom.

My parents are both lawyers. They are both lawyers, and sometimes they would be like lawyers with us when we were kids. I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said, "Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth?" And I said, "Yes." But here's the thing. I hadn't. But who cares? I didn't have, like, a job interview or anything. So my dad comes back and in a couple minutes holding my toothbrush. He says, "John, is this your toothbrush?" and I said "Yes," and he said, "So we agree that this is your toothbrush?" Then he said, "John this toothbrush is bone-dry." Like, he looked down and he said "bone-dry." He said, "You lied to me!" I said "Dad, I did not lie, I said that I brushed my teeth. I never specified that I brushed my teeth tonight. And if the court reporter reads back my remarks, you will see that I did not perjure myself."

My mom's also a lawyer, she was a different kind of lawyer with us when we were kids. My mom was more like Nancy Grace. She would just make wild accusations all day long and wait for something to stick. My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. That is true. I woke up one morning when I was a kid and my mom was standing over my bed and said, "I just heard that Princess Diana and her lover Dodi Al-Fayed have been killed in Paris." Like I had something to do with it! I was like, "Mom, I have been here all night. You can feel the TV, it's warm." Luckily, I had a good alibi since I was in Wisconsin and 12.

My brothers and sisters and I had this babysitter named Veronica when we were kids. And I was in love with her. I was in love with Veronica. She would babysit us on Saturday nights. And in my head, when I was a little kid, I thought that Veronica was like 25, 30 years old. I was just talking to my mom the other week. I found out that when I was 10 Veronica was 13. So why was she in charge? All she could do was dial the telephone a little better than I could. 13 when I'm 10? That's just like hiring a slightly bigger child. That would be like if you're going out of town for the week and you paid a horse to watch your dog. Like, "All right, here is the number where we'll be, and here's where we keep the dog food, and you're a horse." "Shh shh shh shh shh, shh shh shh, shh shh." Why do people do that? People always shush animals. They'll go, "Hey, shh shh shh…" They've never spoken.

I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid. I'm so excited that I get to live in New York. I saw New York City in a movie when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. It is a sequel. Yeah, how about that movie? It was a sequel to the movie Home Alone. I remember in that movie — oh, the kid in Home Alone 2. He gets into a stretch limousine on 5th avenue with a large cheese pizza and I thought, "This is the height of luxury!" Now I live in New York and I'm psyched, but that is a stupid movie title. Lost in New York? The streets are numbered. How'd you get lost in New York? I know it's kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasn't a comedian back then. So I have to do it now. I wish I'd been. I wish I'd been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. I would have torn it to pieces! Be like, "You seen this shit? You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shit? It's a grid system, motherfucker! Where you at? 24th and 5th? Where you wanna go? 35th and 6th? 11 up and one over, you simple bitch!" That'd be my big joke. That'd be the closer. If I was a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. But alas, I was not.