John Mulaney
Taking Care of Myself
I'm feeling good tonight though, I got a massage recently. Went to a spa to get a massage. I went into the room to get the massage and the woman there told me to undress to my comfort level. Those were her words, she said, "I'm gonna leave the room, you undress to your comfort level." So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants, and I felt safe.

I'm trying to, in general, take better care of myself. I'm trying to stop smoking. I've smoked since I was 13 years old. I started when I was 13 years old 'cause I stole 2 cigarettes from my older sister and I hid them in a shoe box under my bed with a copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine. And one day, my mom cleaned under my bed, and she found the shoe box. I came home from school and my mom was standing there holding it and she said, "Hey mister! I found your treasure!" And I never liked the way she phrased that, you know, 'cause that made me sound like the world's lamest pirate. Like, a guy who's treasure chest is two cigarettes and a woman's magazine. And my dad came home from work, and my mom told my dad that she had cleaned under my bed and found a shoe box with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan to which prompted my dad to ask, "How does John know how to make a cosmopolitan?"

I'm trying to eat better. I was out to lunch with a friend and I got a chicken sandwich and the waitress said to me, "Oh, you're getting a chicken sandwich! Well that comes with a choice of either salad or fries." Those were the choices — salad or fries, the two most different foods in the universe. That's like saying, "What kinda day do you wanna have? Do you wanna be active and go to the bathroom and stuff, or do you wanna lay on the floor moaning?" "Oh, you're getting a chicken sandwich? Well with that, you can either go for a jog or smoke crack cocaine." "Oh, huh, well… if I get a plate of crack for the table, would you have some? You'd have crack if I got a plate of crack? Yeah, okay, yeah we'll take an order of crack."

Sometimes when people order fries, they act like it's a little adventure. They'll be like, "Should we get a plate of fries for the table? Should we do it? Should we-should we share some fries?" They gotta make sure that everyone's on board with it, it's like, "If I get fries, you'll have a couple, right? If I get fries for the table, you'll have ... I know you'll have fries if I get fries . Should we do it? Yeah, let's be bad! C'mon, let's do it, all right, we're gonna take a plate of fries!" It's like a group of couples agreeing to do ecstasy together.