John Mulaney
Chase Through the Subway
I've lived in New York City now for a few years, and I have a new phenomenon in my life where late at night on the street, women will see me as a threat. That is funny, yeah, haha that is silly. Its weird too because like I'm still afraid of being kidnapped.

But I'll give you the best example of this, a couple of months ago I was at a subway station at two o'clock in the morning, alright? And I'm changing between trains, two o'clock in the morning at this subway station, and you have to like walk down this long hall way in order to change trains. So it's two o'clock in the morning and its just me and this woman. And we're walking down the hallway, She's walking a few yards ahead of me, But she keeps giving me like the over-the-shoulder, like that, you know? And then, she starts to pick up the pace, like she starts to walk a lot faster. So I think, "Oh, she must hear the train coming... or maybe she feels it in her feet like a Native American in a movie." So I start to sprint down the hallway at her And she looks back and she's like, "Ah!" And then she gives chase, so now we're booking it down the corridor at two o'clock in the morning and I'm gaining on her! I'm gaining on her, and were getting to the end of the hallway, And she starts to go into that like dead-end shuffle, you know? That women do when you chase 'em. And I'm almost there; I'm almost at her and it dawns on me "Oh, she's running from me, because in her eyes I'm an adult and adults rape each other... kind of a lot"

So I wanted to go up to her and be like, "Hey no, nah, I'm not like a... I'm not like a rrr- like a rrr- like a rrr- I'm not a man. I'm just some stupid punk, you know?" But I think that that would be equally creepy, okay, as if you ran into a subway station at two o'clock in the morning and I chased you down, grabbed you, and said, "I'm not going to rape you; I'm just a little boy."