[NICK BIRCH, spoken]
Guys, can we just tone it down this year for Valentine's Day?

[ELLIOT BIRCH, spoken]
Tone it down? Nickey, Valentine's Day— it's wonderful, it's-it's—

[DIANE BIRCH]
It's a day of hugs and snuggles

[ELLIOT BIRCH]
A time to spread your loving seeds

[NICK BIRCH]
It's a rolling, growing pink snowball
Of stress that no one needs

[ANDREW GLOUBERMAN]
It's unhealthy expectations

[DEVON FURTIVE-OLDMAN]
An opportunity to impress

[JESSI GLASER]
It's a yearly grim reminder
That your life's a fucked-up mess
[MISSY FOREMAN-GREENWALD]
It's a dark and lurid history
Of deviant Pagan kicks

[MARTY GLOUBERMAN]
It's outrageously expensive
Just stay home and watch the Knicks

[MATTHEW MACDELL]
It's a big, fat middle finger
To those who're all alone

[JAY BILZERIAN]
Whether sick or tired or uninspired
You still gotta bring the bone

[JESSI GLASER & CONNIE LACIENEGA]
It's a clusterfuck of passions
An emotional tour de force

[MATTHEW MACDELL & MAURY BEVERLY]
It's a cuddly little Cupid

[MAURY BEVERLY]
With the cock of a full-grown horse
[ALL]
Valentine, St. Valentine
I gotta make it through your day
Of candy hearts and chocolate sharts
And every bullshit love cliché
The hard-ons and the heartaches
The pressure, pain, and fear
Valentine's Day
Got to survive you another year

[ANDREW GLOUBERMAN]
I can't take it

[NICK BIRCH]
What does having a girl

[ANDREW GLOUBERMAN]
All the pressure

[NICK BIRCH]
Hormone monster mean?

[ANDREW GLOUBERMAN]
I can make it

[JAY BILZERIAN]
How long can I be
[ANDREW GLOUBERMAN]
I'll impress her

[JAY BILZERIAN]
A fuck machine?

[ANDREW GLOUBERMAN]
I'll be cool, and

[MATTHEW MACDELL]
Why is there never

[ANDREW GLOUBERMAN]
She'll be droolin'

[MATTHEW MACDELL]
Anyone for me?

[ANDREW GLOUBERMAN]
But then

[ANDREW GLOUBERMAN & MARTY GLOUBERMAN]
What if the Knicks aren't on TV?

[ALL]
Valentine, St. Valentine
Your day is fucking asinine
But I swear by God, I'm
Gonna make it through