If anyone here has ever been to rehab, you probably know this, but you are not allowed to bring drugs in with you. I don't know if you all recall my first errand of the evening before my intervention, but I leave that intervention for rehab, I have a lot of narcotics on me.

So, back then I was addicted to cocaine, Adderall, Xanax, Klonopin, and Percocet. Called a Providence special. Providence, Rhode Island. For those of you around the world, there's a city near here, and it's a big joke to all of us. Um... Very silly place.

I leave for rehab. I have on my person a full baggie of 30 mg Adderall, a full baggie of Xanax, 3 g of cocaine, and $2,000 in cash. I had other plans that weekend.

So I get to rehab at four o'clock in the morning and I walk up to the intake desk. And at the intake desk, the woman says, "Do you have any drugs on you?" And I said, "No, I do not. May I please go to the bathroom?" Two guys grab me. They take my winter coat off me, they start going through the pockets. They go through the inside zipper pocket of my winter coat. I was like, "How did they find out about the inside zipper pocket? That pocket has eluded everyone in my life." They reach in there. They pull out all these pills and all this cash and 2 g of coke.

Remember I said I had 3 g? Well, I did a bunch in the car. And I did a bunch at a gas station in the bathroom off of one of those Koala baby changing stations.

What? That's what those are for. You think you're supposed to put a human baby on that mouse trap of a device? They have gang signs carved into them. Those are for snorting coke off of. When you're a cokehead, you see the world in terms of surfaces.

So they reach in. They pull out all these pills and all this cocaine and all this cash, and they stare at me. And I said, "Oh, those old winter coats." You know that phenomenon. When you're going through your goose-down jackets and you're like, "Five grand and an eight ball? From the night we went carolling. Those old winter coats."

Then they took my prescription drugs from me. My prescriptions. Not the illegal pills I bought on the street. The official prescriptions, with my name on them. And they took them from me simply because I had no business being prescribed them in the first place. But, oh, the collection I had. All the effort, all the work that went into it.

Do you know how hard it is to get a doctor to write you a prescription for a pill you don't need? It's not hard. It's... It's so easy. It's so easy. Here's what you do, or here's what I did, but don't do it. But if you did do it, it would totally work. Okay.

Um... Go on... Go on, like, WebMD. Search doctors in your zip code. Okay? And then sort the results. Lowest rating to highest. You will not need to scroll far. Find the doctor in your area with the lowest number of stars. This person needs your business.

Is this a bad doctor? Nay, nay. This is the best doctor. Dude... You can walk in there and it's like Captain Phillips. You can be like, "Look at me, I am the doctor now." You can use their computer. Check Yahoo! News or something.