John Mulaney
John, John and John
I worked hard in rehab. I did what my counsellors told me. When I first got there, my counsellor asked me to write an autobiography of my substance use and abuse. I said, "What do you mean?" He goes, "Write all the big life points where you use drugs and alcohol." I said, "You mean recently or starting at age six?" He said, "Did you start drinking when you were six?" I said, "Yes." And then he gave me more paper.

I tried alcohol when I was six. I don't mean I was at a bar, having a Manhattan or something. Wе were allowed to try beer and winе. My dad told us when we were kids, "We have a European approach towards alcohol in this house." That was the only thing we had a European approach towards. Everything else we had a very Midwestern approach. Including Europe. We're like, "We're not going to that place."

By the time I was 13, I got drunk every weekend. My friends and I would go out on the streets of Chicago, on Lincoln Avenue, and we'd stand in front of liquor stores and try to get adults to go in and buy liquor for us. This was always a very dramatic process 'cause we were thirteen, we looked nine. We'd be sitting out there like little Charles Dickens' urchins. Just like, "Sir, please. Sir, Sir, please." They'd sometimes try to give me money, I'd go, "No, I give you money. And you buy me beer in this store, the one where the cashier is watching this entire exchange through the window."

In 8th grade once I said to my friends, I go, "We should only ask couples on dates 'cause the guy will want to buy beer for us to look cool in front of the girl." I did not understand adult first-date dynamics. As if when he's dropping her off, she'd be like, "You know... I wasn't sure about you in the beginning of the night, but... when I saw you buy those two 24 packs of Natty Light, using quarters and dimes... and that one bottle of Boone's Farm for that really specific child... I was like, this guy might be a keeper."

I started doing drugs when I was 14 with my two best friends, John and John. They're not me. They're other people. They were both named John. There was John O'Brien, John McNulty, and then me. My name is John Mulaney. And if you didn't know that, you were probably in rehab with me.

One time... One time when we were 16, me, John and John, we were in a parking lot at night and we were smoking a joint. We're getting high. And a police car pulled in out of nowhere like... We went, "Shit." And we threw the joint we had down a sewer and we got rid of all of our weed. But they still called us over and made us put our hands on the patrol car. "Line up and put your hands on the hood."

So the three of us line up and we put our hands on the patrol car. The police officer walks up to John O'Brien first and he starts to give him a pat down. He goes, "What's your name?" And he goes, "John." Then he goes to John McNulty. Starts to give him a pat down. He goes, "What's your name?" He goes, "John."

Then he got to me. Before he gave me a pat down, he leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Your name better fucking not be John." "They call me Baby J out on these streets."