[MENDEL]
Sit down, my dear
I hear you have a problem
I'm sure you're not disgusting or indiscreet
Take a load off your feet

[TRINA]
Love is a mess
So's my son, expressly to hurt me
Marvin, my ex-
You've seen him for years-
Told me over the phone to tell you my fears
Do you only treat queers?

[MENDEL]
Breathe deep, my dear
You'll find me understanding
Your pain is a priori
Unfold your untold story
Now to break bread
Loosen your glands
Put your heads in my hands

[TRINA]
I'm everything he wanted
It's time I put it all together
The date was set
My father let me marry
I married, I-
Then Marvin came from work
Sat me down on the bed
He told me how he loved me how he needed and/ or valued me
I had-
[MENDEL]
Yes?

[MARVIN]
Syphilis

[TRINA]
He said

[MENDEL]
Good

[TRINA]
I had-

[MENDEL]
Yes?

[MARVIN]
Syphilis

[TRINA]
It's true

[MENDEL]
Good
[TRINA]
I had something rotten
Which appeared, though now it's well forgotten-

[MARVIN & TRINA]
Maybe darling, so do you

[TRINA]
I am probably diseased

[MENDEL]
You're a lovely girl

[TRINA]
And so easily appeased

[MENDEL]
What a lovely girl!
Though you're probably diseased-

[TRINA]
He took pains to not excite us
He explained I've-

[MARVIN]
Hepatitis
[TRINA]
Too

[MEN]
Hepa-hepa-hepatitis
Hepatitis, hepatitis

[MENDEL]
Love is blind
Love can tell a million stories
Love's unkind
Spiteful in a million ways

[TRINA]
Then I stayed home from work
Took good care of my men
They faked despair, they wet their bed
They combed their hair, they acted dead
One said-

[MENDEL]
Yes?

[JASON]
Daddy is a prick

[MENDEL]
What?

[TRINA]
He said-

[MENDEL]
Yes?

[JASON]
Daddy isn't mine

[MENDEL]
Good

[TRINA]
He filled my coats with candies and notes with

[TRINA & MARVIN]
Will you be my valentine?

[TRINA]
This gets harder to believe

[MENDEL]
You're a damaged girl

[TRINA]
I've a scalpel up my sleeve

[MEN]
What a damaged girl

[MENDEL]
Do not ever slit your wrists

[TRINA]
I've missed him, he's still missing
Don't make noise, but Daddy's kissing
Boys!

[MEN]
Petty, petty, petty, petty

[MENDEL & TRINA]
Love is blind
Love can tell a million stories
Love's unkind
Spiteful in a million ways

[ALL]
Love is blind
Love can tell a million stories
Love's unkind
Spiteful in a million ways

[MARVIN]
Love is crazy
Love is often boring
Love stinks
Love is pretty often debris
When you find what you find
Then never, never, never, never, never do it over again
Love reads like a bad biography
All the names are changed to protect the innocent

[ALL]
Love is blind

[MENDEL]
My name is Mendel
I treat her husband
I think she's very insecure
But so am I
I've never married
Work, work is my passion
Or perhaps, that's my alibi

[spoken]
I don't care to discuss it

[sung]
I think she's charming
I think she's eager
That's unprofessional and mean
But still it's true

[ALL EXCEPT MENDEL]
His name is Mendel

[MENDEL]
Return next Friday
I admit, I admire you