Hey, so, I'm pretty sure you remember my little rant from last year...
[Clip from the Worst of 2011]
These last two songs have destroyed my faith in mainstream music - so I'm the Rap critic reminding you that if music gets any better... oh wait no it won't! happy new year!

Oh I have to say things... things actually got better: cats like Lupe Fiasco and Kendrick Lamar dropped solid albums, and singles by J Cole and Wale were actually pretty good while getting some staying power on the radio, as well guys like LMFAO and Black Eyed Peas were nowhere to be seen, and even more amazingly not one idiotic dance step from a rap song became popular.
[Clip of "Gangnam Style"]
Hey that one doesn't count: I like that song! But make no mistake a lot of stupid stuff still came out however I don't really have as much vitriol for the top nine lyrics of this year in fact the number nine lyric comes from a song that I actually really kind of like#9 - Kanye West (ft. Big Sean, Pusha T & 2 Chainz), "Mercy"[RC dancing to the beat]
I can't lie: even though there's only like one and a half artists that I actually like on the song, I don't mind it. Although I'm not a big fan of the recent minimalist beats that Kanye seems to be fond of recently, the song hits the perfect mark for me, and I think what pulls it together is the Jamaican sample of Killa Sound Boy maybe I just like to make an accent but it just really works for me.
The beat gets me so hyped up sometimes I even forget why I don't put it on my best up list I mean it's not great but it least deserves an honorable mention right?

[Big Sean: Okay, drop it to the floor, make that ass shake!]
Oh.
[Whoa, make the ground move; that's an ass quake]
Hey, did you know that I made a song last year called "Ass"?
[Built a house up on that ASS; that's an ASS-tate]
Cause I did it. It's called ass and I did it.
[Roll my weed on it; that's an ass tray]
I just did a bigot song and it's called ass. That's what I hear every time this verse starts and its placement at the beginning of the song nearly kills the whole vibe for me. I'm pretty sure the rest of the verse is relatively bad as well, but the rest of the words just kind of blend into the beat as I try to get over the fact that they actually let him start the song like that. But after his verse ends I can actually enjoy the track again.
[2 CHAINZ!]
Oh wait, never mind.#8 - 2 Chainz (ft. Nicki Minaj) "I Luv Dem Strippers"Oh, hello again, 2 Chainz. I can't seem to escape you this year, can I?
Yeah, I love them strippers, Yeah, I love them strippers
Why do rappers brag about spending money on strippers so much? What's the point of bragging about attracting women when the job of those women is to pretend to be attracted to you? That's like a boss at a job bragging to someone that he's able to give his employees to file his paperwork for him, in both cases the response to them would be the same... "No duh you idiot you pay their salary!" Of course you can get them to do stuff for you! I mean I don't know about you guys, but personally, I think it would be a little bit more notable if you got a girl who wasn't a stripper to strip for you. To add to that... aren't you rich and famous? why do you need strippers anymore? Wouldn't getting groupies be a better topic? At least that requires them to be somewhat attracted to your specific personality...
[Them broke hoes can't pay attention, your cutie missing, New Edition
"Mr. Telephone man... ]
You know the way these unfinished similes work is that you say the setup, you didn't say the word that vaguely relates to that setup, and then you continue...
[there's something wrong with my line]
...No I didn't continue with the rapping we get that it's a reference to...
[When I call my baby's number, I get a click every time]
Thank you for singing the whole chorus to that song! I hope the royalties is you now have to pay for using that song are worthy the awkward 10 seconds you wasted just making sure that everyone understood your pop song reference! Watching the video for this is so odd, it's like you can tell that they were trying to make this part look cool in any way they could, like "Yeah, 2 Chainz is totally enjoying the moment! And look at this girl's toned stomach... oh, that girl's using the universal side for the telephone! so you know she knows what he's done today..." is just stupid... oh yeah Nicki Minaj is on this song.
[That's how a bitch do it
Fifty black trucks gonna follow when I pull up]
RC sighs.
[Take a n***a bitch in a hot flash, menopause hot flash]
Well, we'll get back to her...#7 - Nicki Minaj, "Starships"...a little sooner than I thought, apparently.
Ok for this next one I'm gonna play the whole verse leading up to a line in question to see if some context will make sense out of the whole thing.

[Bump in my hoopty-hoopty-hoop
I own that]
ok as far as my understanding goes a hoopty is slang term for a crappy type of car which is funny because if I heard any of your other songs correctly you know the ones about how you have much more money than me I thought you'd be able to afford something better!
[And I ain't paying my rent this month
I owe that]
oh well, that's a stupid idea! why are you not paying your rent when you obviously can afford more wigs than a musical theater company? either you're admitting to being terrible at your finances... or wait a minute are you trying to relate to your audience? like are you trying to be like "hey I'm like the common man - I don't pay my bills and - dude..."
[[But fuck who you want, and fuck who you like]()]
objection, your honor! relevance?
[Dancehall life there's no end in sight
Twinkle, twinkle little star]
okay what were they thinking when they wrote this? look!
[Clip replays]
Even she looks confused about it! This is the only possible explanation I can think of...
[RC as a Music Executive]
Sound engineer, stop the track! stop the track (music stops) sound engineer is this the finished version of the song ?
[RC as the Engineer]
yeah.
[Executive]
and you're sure that there's nothing at all curiously missing from the vocals?
[Engineer]
no
[Executive]
hmm did you ask the writer if he was actually finished writing the song before you started recording it?
[Engineer]
yeah... no
[Executive]
Well, then this is the most important question do you think that this embarrassing blatant screw-up will stop people from buying the song?
[Engineer]
no
[Executive]
no? okay don't worry about it!#6- Kanye West, "Clique"[My girl a superstar all from a home movie]
Yeah, it was a little bit more than a home movie Kanye.... and I don't like to get into artists personal lives but since you decided to bring it up no let's talk about it first all her video she got famous off of wasn't some cute low-res recording of her cat doing something funny: it was a friggin sex tape! Also let's not be naive the video came out around the exact same time a reality show came on. you're pretty much dating the late-2000s version of Paris Hilton. and wait a minute wasn't she just married to some football player in some big wedding that she actually got paid millions of dollars to have broadcast on television? And didn't they start filing for divorce not even three months later prompting many well-founded rumors that the wedding was nothing more than a publicity stunt? And didn't all of this happen like [pulls up laptop] last year and according to one source Kim and this Kris Humphries guy aren't even properly divorced yet. Dude the ink hasn't even dried on the divorce papers - actually the ink hasn't even touched the divorce papers yet! - and you're seriously trying to date this chick do you remember what happened the last time you were attempting a serious relationship with someone and it massively fell through? does she honestly seem like an improvement given her track record all Kanye I'll put it to you like this either you're in on this elaborate publicity generating machine, or I eagerly await 808s and heartbreaks Part 2.#5 - Kreayshawn, "Go Hard"Hey, Kreayshawn. You were really rushing to put this album out, huh? I mean, I know the label wanted to push this out before you became completely irrelevant, as evidenced by your abysmal first week sales... but, Jeez, this is terrible! I didn't think you're gonna be the female Eminem or anything, but I certainly was hoping that you wouldn't be the female Asher Roth. And I would complain about her using auto-tune,but honestly I kind of pity the auto-tune. listen to how it's desperately trying to pull her off-key singing to anything resembling an actual pitch.
[la la la La la la la la la la la la la]
Oh! But here's my favorite line of the song:
[What it do, let it go
And go hard
Let me see you do it
Go hard, like real hard]
I always thought rappers were running out of "I go hard like" puns and I was right! I mean wow talk about giving up on a punch line.
[RC as Kreayshawn]
Hey girl! You want to go hard like, like... um, no everyone said that. Uh, like, like a geek... no. Um, like rock... no. Um, you want to go hard? Like you know, really hard?
[RC as "Girl"]
like like you don't really hard well when you put it that way... no!#4 - Tyga, "Rack City"I'm kind of baffled at how the song did so well. It just seems too boring to be for the clubs! No wonder they had to make two versions of this video so distracting there's nothing going on in the song! It just kind of repeats the same "da-na-na-na-da-na-na-na" over and over again, and the chorus is just the bare minimum repetition of the title of the song, which is... I don't know, is that the title of a strip song? I don't know, I don't care! Even the obligatory "hey hey hey" in the background seem awkwardly jammed in to inject some life into this dull track! But yeah, it's just another rap song about someone talking to a stripper at a club.
[Got ya grandma on my dick]
RC is baffled What?
[Clip repeats]
Huh.
[Clip of David Banner going "You better hide your grandmomma cause I'll fuck her too!"]

Okay, well the song has got a little interesting. so who exactly are you talking to, again?
[Got ya grandma on my dick (haha)
Girl you know what it is]
okay so you're talking to a stripper in the club, and currently on your lap is her grandmother... who's also currently a stripper. Man, that is one sad family business.#3 - Justin Bieber (ft. Big Sean), "As Long As You Love Me"[Big Sean: I don't know if this makes sense but...]
You know, if you have to ask it probably doesn't.
[...But you're my "hallelujah"]
Yeah yeah, it doesn't.

I think it religious on you but hallelujah usually interprets to "praise God", so unless you shout your girlfriend's name while you're catching the Holy Ghost, the next words out of your mouth should have been "wait, no. That's stupid. Let's start over". Of course I'm glad you admit that you weren't sure exactly how stupid it was, but you lose points for still saying it.#2 - Ace Hood, "B.L.A.B."[You pillow talking with these hoes, youse a homo!]]
Really, now? So talking to a woman in bed is what qualifies you as gay... so forget the fact that in order to pillow talk to a girl in the first place it usually said it's the reason that you've had sex with her... no, no, no. Get any notion of sexual attraction being an indication of your orientation the man fact that you decided to engage in conversation with the woman after sex is the qualifying marker of one's homosexuality.
[Guy #1, in bed]
Oh my god baby! I have to tell you that was some of the best...
[RC as girl]
Oh my god, my boyfriend's gay!
[Guy #1]
What? Something breaks into the room Huh?
[Guy #2, running into room!]
Homo! The only three words that you should say to a woman in bed after sex are "where's", "my" and "sandwich"!#1 - Nicki Minaj - "I Endorse These Strippers!![oh boobs boobs boobs boobs lotta boobs!]

RC is slack-jawed

Maybe I should give you some background and explain why I'm to say the least *clears throat* disappointed in Nicki Minaj.
You see, when I first heard about Nicki I saw the pictures of her posing almost exactly like Lil Kim, and I was immediately not interested in her in the rap. But then I heard her female remake of Biggie Smalls's "Warning" and I really liked it. So I decided to start checking out some of her stuff, and it made me really start rooting for her when I saw that she had just got picked up by Young Money. I thought "hey this is pretty cool we've got a female rapper from New York, who's got a pretty big company behind her, I can't wait to hear what she does!" and then she started doing guest appearances on people's songs, and it made me even more hopeful for her. I loved that she was experimenting with different styles and being weird, all while still bringing some dope lyricism to her verses. To me, she felt like she was rolling the fun of Missy Elliott and the skill of MC Lyte into one rapper. I looked forward to everything she did. Then she did this...
[Clip of "Massive Attack"]
And I didn't like that. In fact nobody liked it, as it didn't turn for crap and instantly became forgotten, not even making the album it was supposed to be on. But then the unfinished version of this song leaked...
["Shorty I'mma only tell you this once, you the illest!"]
And it was okay. People really liked it so they released a video for this unfinished version as the official version now and... I liked the video, it was creative, but the lyrics were kind of lacking. But I was like "hey, she has to have the obligatory love song! It was gonna get better! The firing creativity and fun that I heard on all those other songs would come back". But then the next two singles showed few if any trace amounts of that talent I saw before. I then decided to put her in the back of my mind like all the other rappers who started sucking as soon as they became famous. But it really hurt when she did it because, damn, we were so close, so close to having that intelligent but fun positive female role model in rap that we haven't seen in years. And yeah, I know she didn't have to fill that role. I mean, she can do whatever she wants, really. But man it would have been nice however she released "Moment 4 Life" and had her verse on "Monster" and I started to see that spark again, I started to see the reason why I got into her, why I wanted her to succeed as an artist, and as a minority in a male-dominated genre and it made me happy for her again. So I decided to check out the album on YouTube to see if it would really be cool and... it was not it was a sloppy awkward mess but then I thought to myself "man, this is all politics. Nicki Minaj was turning into a cash cow fast, and they didn't really give her any time for her to really showcase her talent. I'm just gonna chill and wait for the next album where'd she'll have more leeway to do what she really wants to do and bring out that talent that will allow her to make a full-length classic album". And then...
["Stupid Hoe"]
Never have I felt so idiotic for believing in someone's potential as a rapper. The Roman Reloaded album was even worse: it was even more lopsided in production quality, had even more terrible rapping, and now with the special edition of her album, she's saying crap like this:
[Boobs boobs boobs boobs lotta boobs!]
This *BLEEEP* is inexcusable! there is no way you have fallen this hard in lyrical ability in less than two years! this is a dumbing down of quality that is quite literally unbelievable, as in I refuse to believe that you are this horrible rapper now and that this is what you honestly stand behind as quality work that you are willing to release to the general public in straight-faced expectation for people to throw down hard-earned money for it! But you know what? This is what happens when you're a talented artist and you get famous off of your clout as someone who was once good in something. See, I know that she's not really stupid enough to believe that...
[boobs boobs boobs boobs lotta boobs]
...is some bold statement about the human condition and I know that she knows that at any point, she has the ability to make a great album. But she also knows something else: she knows that she doesn't have to make a great album. When she was unknown, the only way to stand out is to be really good at what you do. But now that she's well-known, it has been proven that there's no real consequence for her if she makes a bad album - she just made 2, they both went platinum! There's nothing at stake for her that's driving her to make good music, so if it doesn't affect her album sales or her single sales it really doesn't matter! It doesn't really matter if she puts out a good song: if it meets sales quota, there's no thought to how good it is. And this is why how we spend money is so important, because we as consumers have to make it matter! If garbage over techno beats is what you're willing to buy from her, that's what she's going to sell you! And people are buying it, so maybe it is what they want! But all jokes aside, I see more than that in her, and it's a shame that her fans and producers do not.
Well, those were my top nine worst lyrics of 2012. Disagree? Well, personally I don't think anything stopping...
[lotta boobs!]
...I mean I'm pretty sure I actually heard her mentally revert back to her ten year old self when she said that. But hey, if you honestly have something worse than that that you think I forgot... please keep it to yourself. I still want to believe that this was a relatively good year. I'm the Rap Critic and I'll see you next time.