[NABULUNGI, spoken]
And now we wish to honor you with the story of Joseph Smith, the American Moses!

[MISSION PRESIDENT, spoken]
Well this is very good, praise Christ

[ENSEMBLE]
Mormon![NABULUNGI, spoken]
I'm going to take you back in time
To the United States: 1823
A small and poor village called
Oopstate, New York
There was disease and famine
But also in this village lived a simple farmer who would change everything
His name... was Joseph Smith[ENSEMBLE]
Mormon!
Mormon!
 
Oop-state!
So sick![ENSEMBLE]
Ha-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya
Joseph Smith, American Moses!
Praise be to Joseph!
American prophet man!

["JOSEPH SMITH", spoken]
Hi! My name is Joseph Smith, and I'm going to fuck this baby!
[MISSION PRESIDENT, spoken]
What?!

[ENSEMBLE]
No, no, Joseph!
Don't fuck the baby!
Joseph Smith
Don't fuck the baby!

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Suddenly, the clouds parted and Joseph Smith was visited by God!

["GOD"]
Joseph Smith
Do not fuck a baby
I'll get rid of your AIDS
If you fuck this frog

[ENSEMBLE]
Ha-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya!

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Joseph Smith fucked the frog God gave him, and his AIDS went away! Then a great wizard named Moroni came down from the Starship Enterprise.

["MORONI", spoken]
Joseph Smith! Your village is shit! You should lead the villagers to a new village. Take these fucking golden plates!
[ENSEMBLE]
Away!

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
And on the plates were written the directions to a new land: Sal Tlay Ka Siti!

[ENSEMBLE]
Sal Tlay Ka Siti!

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Joseph tried to convince all the villagers to follow him and his golden plates

["JOSEPH SMITH", spoken]
Liberation! Equality! No more slavery for Oopstate Mormon people!["JOSEPH SMITH"]
I got da golden plates
I gonna lead the people
We gotta stick together
We gotta help each other
And so we climb the mountain
And we cross the river
And we fight the oppression
By being nice to everyone[ENSEMBLE]
Gold plates
We head West
Mormons
We're Mormons
We head West
We head West
Mormons
We are Mormons!["BRIGHAM YOUNG", spoken]
Not so fast, Mormons! You shall not pass my mountain!
[ENSEMBLE]
Down from the mountain look who comes!
The American war lord, Brigham Young!

["BRIGHAM YOUNG", spoken]
Yes! I am Brigham Young! I cut off my daughter's clitoris! That made God angry, so he turned my nose into a clit for punishment!

[ENSEMBLE]
Brigham Young, his nose was a clitoris
What will you do, Joseph?
Will you fight the clitoris man?

["JOSEPH SMITH", spoken]
Not fight him, help him!

[ENSEMBLE, spoken]
Oooh!

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Joseph Smith took his magical fuck frog and rubbed it upon Brigham Young's clit-face. And behold, Brigham was cured!

[ENSEMBLE]
Joseph Smith! Magical AIDS frog!
Brigham Young, frog on his clit-face!

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Brigham Young was so grateful, he decided to join the Mormons on their journey

["JOSEPH SMITH", spoken]
Compassion!

["BRIGHAM YOUNG", spoken]
Courtesy!

["JOSEPH SMITH", spoken]
Let's be really fucking polite to everyone!["JOSEPH SMITH"]
I got da golden plates
I gonna lead the people
We gotta stick together[ENSEMBLE]
Gold plates
We head West
Mormons![NABULUNGI, spoken]
Now comes the part of our story that gets a little bit sad

[ENSEMBLE, spoken]
Oh...

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
After travelling for so long, the Mormons ran out of fresh water and became sick... with dysentery

[ENSEMBLE]
Mormon go to the water
Water go to the cup
Cup go to the stomach
Shit come out the butt
Shit go in the water
Water go in the cup
Shit go down the stomach
Shit come out the butt

["JOSEPH SMITH", spoken]
Oh, fuck!

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Oh no! The prophet Joseph Smith is now getting sick!

[ENSEMBLE]
Shit go in the water
Water go in the cup
Cup go to the thirsty
Shit go to the stomach
Blood come out the butt
Blood go in the water
Water go in the cup
Cup go to the throat
Shit blood in the stomach
Shit blood in the mouth
Shit blood on the insides
Water come out the butt!

["JOSEPH SMITH"]
Brigham Young, you must take the golden plates and lead the Mormons to the Promised Land!

["BRIGHAM YOUNG", spoken]
Desperation!
Mortality!
Loss of Faith!["BRIGHAM YOUNG"]
I... got the golden plates
I gonna lead the people?
We gotta stick together
...[ENSEMBLE]
Gold plates!
We head West!
Mormons!
...[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Even though their prophet had died, the Mormons stuck together and helped each other and were really nice to everyone they came across. And then one day, the Mormons finally found Sal Tlay Ka Siti!

{ENSEMBLE]
Sal Tlay Ka Siti!

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
And then, the Mormons danced with Ewoks and were greeted by Jesus!

["JESUS", spoken]
Welcome, Mormons! Now, let's all have as many babies as we can and make big, Mormon families! Woo hoo!

[ENSEMBLE]
Fuck your woman, fuck your man
It is all part of God's plan
Mormons fuck all that they can
Here in Salt Lake City land!

Thank you
Thank you, God!
Now we are fucking
Thank you
Thank you, God!
God wants us fucking
Thank you
Thank you, God!
Get back to fucking
Thank you
Thank you, God!

Joseph Smith fuck frog
Brigham Young clit face
Shit come out the butt
Jesus says fuck, fuck, Mormons!