[Verse 1: Chris Trott & Ross Hornby]
I am walkin' down the street
Got a smile on my face and some shit in my teeth
Oh my God, look at that elf
He clearly doesn't care about his personal health
Hey! You twat, stop looking at me
I'll shit in your face and piss in your tea
Oh, oh mate, I don't mean it like that
Well shut the fuck up
Get out of here you twat!

[Chorus: Alex Smith]
I don't need no girls
I don't need no boys
I'm a pleasure elf
I can just touch myself
Cause I don't need no girls
I don't need no boys
I'm a pleasure elf
I can just touch myself

[Bridge: Ross Horby & Chris Trott]
Pleasure Elf
Ple-Pleasure Elf
Pleasure Elf
Ple-Pleasure Elf
Pleasure Elf
Pleasure Elf
Ple-Pleasure Elf
Pleasure Elf
Pleasure Elf
Ple-Pleasure Elf
[Chorus: Alex Smith]
I don't need no girls
I don't need no boys
I'm a pleasure elf
I can just touch myself
Cause I don't need no girls
I don't need no boys
I'm a pleasure elf
I can just touch myself
Cause I don't need no girls
I don't need no boys
I'm a pleasure elf
I can just touch myself