[Robert Foster]
Good evening, Rap News is back through again
Packing a fact-filled, truth laden juice bulletin
Today we cross to Russia, where the world's eyes have duly been fixed
Wondering who will win
A confusing, brutal, crucial and ruthless struggle betwixt sovereign states...
The Winter Olympics, and in the Olympic village
We have a live report from Ivan Sakamunev to bring us up to the minute

[Ivan Sakamanev]
Ivan Sakamunev, in Sochi

[Robert Foster]
So the games have just finished?

[Ivan Sakamanev]
Da. But sense of unity and Olympic spirit not diminished
This event has been great success
No discontent, no boycott, no complaints, and no dogs...
It's the best
Many strong straight athletes pit their strength
In manly figure skating, double-luge
And we kept our ring clenched

[Robert Foster]
Sorry to interrupt, Ivan, but there's breaking news...
I hear that Russian troops are occupying the Ukrainian province of Crimea
[Ivan Sakamanev]
However it might appear, this is not to strike fear
This is uh... the next fun sport event we organize here

[Robert Foster]
What do you mean?

[Ivan Sakamanev]
Well. Now that Sochi fun time has finished
We launch whole new competition

[Robert Foster]
The Paralympics?

[Ivan Sakamanev]
No… more thrilling:
The Para-Military tournament
I present hero team captain Vladimir Putin

[Valdimir Putin]
Privet, dear friends, it is great honour, for me
To open officially Paramilitary Games in Sevastopol today
We have many very nice events to compete in
For example, patriotic flag waving...

[Ivan Sakamanev]
Russia winning
[Vladimir Putin]
Multiple naval base seige...

[Ivan Sakamanev]
First place Russian team

[Vladimir Putin]
Sniper contest in Maidan Square, Kiev

[Ivan Sakamanev]
That prize went to George Soros and NATO, I believe

[Vladimir Putin]
Next match, which state got most nuclear weapons up its sleeve

[Ivan Sakamanev]
Russia have many nukes ...Ukraine: Zero

[Robert Foster]
Wait, someone's calling in from Kiev
It’s Yulia Tymoshenko

[Yulia Tymoshenko]
I wish to make official complain against this rig’d game
The Kremlin break rules!
[Vladimir Putin & Ivan Sakamanev]
What?

[Yulia Tymoshenko]
Vlad, let me explain:
Ukraine agreed to give up its nuclear weapons
On condition that our borders are respected
This sets a clear precedent, which will start nuclear arms race again!

[Vladimir Putin]
Ha. That race never ended

[Ivan Sakamanev]
Da... and Russia way ahead
Mr Putin, is time for main event

[Valdimir Putin]
Which team has most access to gas fields and pipelines in Ukraine?

[Ivan Sakamanev]
This is a tight race still going on
We have close tie between team Exxon and team Gazprom

[Robert Foster]
You invaded Ukraine

[Vladimir Putin]
Invited, Robert, we invite...
And now we have referendum, to let Crimean people decide
Я хочу сильную Россию

[Robert Foster]
Sorry, I don't quite...

[Vladimir Putin]
You cannot understand Russia with your mind

[Robert Foster]
Errr ok, thank you Ivan and Vladimir Putin
Your coverage of these events seems balanced fair and neutral
Now, let's move to the Western Media for its take on this theme
Stand by as we tune in to a dangerous frequency: mainstream TV

[Brain Washington]
This is the News, I’m Brian Washington You're on MSMBS
In the prime time slot for some uncompromising hard talk, Tonight’s headlies:
Huge plane crash, three Americans die
And in the rest of the world: Hey, Rasputin!
Russia invades Ukraine and threatens to start shootin'
To explain the situation that's gotten very tense
We speak with Secretary of State, John Kerry... next
John, Welcome to Buck-Shot
Good to have you with me

[John Kerry]
Bucky, let's be clear. Russia’s on the wrong side of history
I mean, sending in ground troops to invade another country?
That’s not fitting for a superpower in this century

[Brain Washington]
Yeah, they didn't use missile strikes, drone attacks, or
Uranium shells or shock and awe massacres

[John Kerry]
They've haven't even killed any people...

[Brian Washington]
Amateurs

[John Kerry]
When we went into Iraq we left a million fatalities
And Russia’s gone in on a completely trumped-up pretext

[Brian Washington]
When you voted for Iraq to take the heat next
You had hard proof of WMD and that Saddam had hidden them

[John Kerry]
And in Lybia we went in to "protect civilians"
We must defend the Rule of War... I mean... of Law

[Brian Washington]
Well said. We’ll be back for more, after a message from our sponsor

[Advertising voice]
Your view of the world Bought from you by Chevron

[Brian Washington]
So, how will we liberate Ukraine's gas fields... I mean people?

[John Kerry]
With sanctions, Bucky. We need to remind those Ruskies, and Putin's ass
That we’ll exploit all resources at our disposal - including gas

[Brian Washington]
Sadly, Russians are so brainwashed by propaganda...

[John Kerry]
They lack free speech laws and media standards
And they don't have open news networks like ours

[Brian Washington]
Shyeah, I bet they're pushing hard for war
Let's tune in for a sample:

[Abby Martin]
Get the camera started
Breaking the Set, live on RT, setting the record straight...
This is Abby Martin, I roll with editorial control
And tonight I'm gonna speak direct from my heart then
What Russia did is wrong... military force is never the better option

[Brian Washington]
Who’s this 'appara-chick' using free speech on the Kremlin News?

[Ivan Sakamanev]
This is not in script we meant to use, Now, I so confused

[John Kerry]
It's like the cold war again, load the nukes!

[Vladimir Putin]
Abby, this your President... Crimea humanitarian intervention is so good

[Abby Martin]
I'm just telling it like I see it from my own view
Last I checked that's what journalists were supposed to do?

[Vladimir Putin]
Is this sarcasm?

[Abby Martin]
It’s having balls to show the truth
Maybe more reporters and channels can grow some too

[Robert Foster]
Well, that's about all the time we have left for inspecting
This latest war that's raging, not between military aggressors
But between their respective mass-media weapons
Which paint conflicts as games of good against evil
When in fact, both sides are often equally mistaken
Amid this frenzy in the media, one thing should remain clear
Lack of thinking, on our part, is the only true thing to fear
So, until next broadcast, be sure to be critical of every News source that appears
‪Including, of course, this one right here