What kind of man leaves his dead out to rot
And threatens fake smugglers with guns?
Who punches crazed scientists there on the spot
And disconnects calls just for fun?

Well, this kind of man? He'll insult all his friends
He's mean and perpetually cross!
He'll make racist cracks at his squad Turion
Then he'll shoot worthless crew like a boss!

No one shoves goons like John
Out a window like John!
Pilfers pets when he gets
Too depressed quite like John!

Rigging slots makеs him lots!
Blows off steam by frying bots!
None's insanely as angry as John!

No onе fights quite like John!
Hijacks flights quite like John!
Plays the double- no
QUADRUPLE agent like John!

Xenocidal, hoplophile
And aggressively tactile!
No one terrifies and villifies
The other guys like John!
If you act like a wimp
Then he'll shoot you and your chimp!
If you're part of the Council, run and hide!

No one tases his foes
Wallops PRESS in the nose
And intimidates entire planetsides...

He's not scared of a worm
Even if it's twelve times tall
Then he'll list all his trysts
With your mom on bathroom stalls!

Then he'll trade her for her daughter
(Who he chooses 'cause she's hotter)
Knowing people say it's lethal quite like John!

No one hates Crogan mercs
Or helps swindle dirt-poor clerks!
No one blows off fans toes
Or behave like giant jerks!

Who's defiantly untiring
And violently inspiring?
No one but John!