First on our famous tour
This broken board we’re driving toward-
I swore this paint had dried…

Feel free to see our sewer!
Its flimsy grate can’t hold much weight
But seals the eels inside

Don’t let this wet
And slimy net
Of cobweb attach onto your face!

Beware! These stairs
Are terribly tilted
And built in the wrong place!

Stay close and watch your feet
Cause something might attempt to bite them
Off. It’s awfully rare…

Try not to breathe too deep
Cause something stinky
Black and inky’s
Fogging up the air!

Our old
Commode’s
Known to explode!
I think all the sinks are prone to leak…
And so
You know
Our CEO
Was MUR-DERED. HERE. LAST. WEEK…!

Look to the left and see
The broken beam our legal team
Demands be banned from view!

Steer clear of loose debris!
The wood’s so old, it’s mostly mold-
I’m told it holds like new!

Don’t sweat the threat
Of traps we’ve set
For man-eating vermin in our halls!

Excuse the ooze
That’s fused to the rafters
And plastered to the walls…

Be careful as you pass
This mound of broken glass!
Don’t meddle with this pedal
It’ll expel toxic gas!
I’m legally required
To warn you that this wire
Can hold 3000 volts
And light your private parts on fire!

I’m sure you’re all aware:
Don’t stick your face in there
The ratchet may just catch it
And then tear out all your hair

That’s why we had you sign
This line here to decline
All rights to litigation
And/or damages and fines

This here’s the Lost and Found
Where gloves and hats and giant bats
Are kept — except the bats

Don’t mind the grinding sound-
The soup cans crashed our trash compactor
And it’s jammed with rats!

Ignore this poorly
Programmed door-
The gift shop awaits us just inside!
I’ll admit a bit
Of doubt that we’d make it
Cause every group I’ve had
Has died!