Doctor, doctor, have mercy on me (Have mercy on me)
(Have mercy)
Doctor, your cure is worse than my disease
You doctors, you get all the breaks
You get to bury your mistakes
Doctor, have mercy on me

Well, the cruelest thing that was ever invented
Came out of a mind that was truly demented
It's a little ol' thing they call the proctoscope
I said "a little ol' thing", that ain't exactly right
'Cause it's a three-foot piece of galvanized pipe
Make a sedentary middle-aged man out-jump an antelope
Heaven knows what goes on in their minds
Why, some of these doctors think they're divine
'Bout one half-step down from the man upstairs
They can't walk on water or part the sea
But I had one who separated me
From my gallbladder and every penny of money I made for the last six years

Doctor, doctor, have mercy on me (Have mercy on me)
(Have mercy)
Doctor, your cure is worse than my disease
The practice of medicine is a must
But must you always practice on us?
Doctor, have mercy on me
They make you wait in their office for hours on end
While they drive into the club in their Mercedes-Benz
That you paid for with your hemorrhoid-ectomy
And those little gowns they give you got no back at all
And they'd be too short if you were three feet tall
I tell you, it's just a plot to strip you of your pride and dignity
Strip down naked, boy, cough and sneeze
And jump up on that table on your hands and knees
Now there's not another person in the world you'd do that for
But we just jump on up there like a Cocker Spaniel
Like it's written somewhere in some sacred manual
That you do everything the doctor tells you
Who do they think they are?

Doctor, doctor, have mercy on me (Have mercy on me)
(Have mercy)
Doctor, your cure is worse than my disease
Practice medicine day and night
Practice? Practice 'til you get it right
Doctor, have mercy on me

I said, doctor, doctor, have mercy on me (Have mercy on me)
(Have mercy)
Doctor, your cure is worse than my disease
Yeah, you doctors, you get all the breaks
You get to bury your mistakes
Doctor, have mercy on me