Well even when Ned was a little-bitty baby his nose covered most of his face
And as he grew into manhood, it spread out all over the place
His heroes were Karl Malden, Jimmy Durante, and Pinocchio
And all of his friends used to wonder just how big it was gonna grow

(Hmm-mm-mm-mm)

Well growin' up was a problem for Ned, he tried sports but he couldn't make it
On the football field the other team used to kick his nose and try to take it
Basketball games were always the same: Ned always felt inhibited
When the referee blew the whistle, and called him down for double-dribblin'

(Hmm-mm-mm-mm)

Well, then Ned had a brainstorm: he'd be a music man
So he rounded up his buddies, and he started a little band
Now it's hard getting' bookin's when you're virtually new and unknown
But Ned had a plan, and a name for the band, and a sound all their own

(Hmm-mm-mm-mm)

You see Ned and the boys would sniff ragweed till their allergies were screamin'
Then they'd harmonize with watery eyes and sinuses a streamin'
And Ned took his liability; figured out how to turn it around
They wore Hawaiian clothes, and Ned played his nose and that was their sound
So if you wanna hear some wheezin', and sneezing, and blowin', and goin' that's grand
Go hear Ned Nostril and his South Seas Paradise
Put your blues on ice
Cheap at twice the price band (icky, icky, yucky, yuck)
They're the best in the land (icky, icky, yucky, yuck)
Booked solid and in demand (icky, icky, yucky, yucky, icky, icky, yucky, yuck)

Ned tried to play the guitar, but his nose covered most of the chords
He tried to play the piano, but he couldn't see the keyboard
He tried to play the drums some, but his nose stuck to far out
And he couldn't play a horn, 'cause he couldn't get the darn thing up to his mouth

So if you wanna hear some wheezin', and sneezing, and blowin', and goin' that's grand
Go hear Ned Nostril and his South Seas Paradise
Put your blues on ice
Cheap at twice the price band (icky, icky, yucky, yuck)
They're the best in the land (icky, icky, yucky, yuck)
Booked solid and in demand (icky, icky, yucky, yucky, icky, icky, yucky, yuck)