[Round 1: Anderson Burrus]
Eight months ago, P told me I was gonna be on Rookies vs. Vets
And since then, a lot of people been askin' me who I hope they put me versus next
A top-tier legend, someone as dope as Nitty
Maybe a mirror match, put someone like Charron against me
I said, “Yeah, that’d be dope, but you know who I really hope they give me?
A washed-up karate enthusiast who's over sixty”
When Swave looks at his career, he knows it's ending
So he tries to Restore Order, on his show pretending
Saying, “I relate to these young bucks, I know what’s trendy”
Swave, the only similarity between you and a Young Buck
Is that in 2005, you were close to 50!
P, I thought you were jokin' with me…givin' me this old guy Swave

WHAT!? What's up, y'all!?

P, I thought you were jokin' with me, givin' me this old guy Swave
Doesn't make sense when you first look at it, like Gjonaj’s name
But I’m on a card with legends
I mean, this seems weird
I first saw Swave battle when I was in ninth grade
And dawg, I've been skippin’ your rounds for fifteen years!
Just know that in 2022, I'm not playing no games
I'm a true killer, like Bruce Jenner
You could lose your career just by saying my name
And to Charron- yeah!
To Charron, Jones, Roc!
Any one of y'all coulda took his place
It’s like Pandora and PayPal
To me, you icons look the same
They were sayin' that I was all jokes
Now they're sayin' “That dude's a monster”
Said Mike P was the white GOAT, ‘til they met the Chupacabra
I'm killin' everyone that crosses me, Smack, and that includes your sponsor
‘Cause people who try me once never try me again, like Exclusiv Vodka!
I'm that nasty!
But um…growin' up in Harlem, Swave studied martial arts
And when it comes to karate, son's as sick as it gets
He can do a front flip and a kick and end up in a split
No gloves- he can!
He can do a front flip and a kick and end up in a split
No gloves, hittin' bricks, his blood drips on his fists
I'm sayin'...Swave might be the most dangerous man in Harlem, ya know?
…if guns didn't exist
Unfortunately, Swave, they do!
You grew up in Harlem? Studying karate?
It's like being in the trenches of a war
Where everybody has machine guns, but you're really good with a sword
I mean, you idolize these karate guys as untouchable legends
He asked Twitter “Name one person more dangerous than Bruce Lee”
I don't know, Swave…anyone with a weapon?
I mean, you criticized Nu Jerzey Twork for shootin' stuff with both hands
Sayin' “Tighten up, young'un”
Pssht - alright, loosen up, old man
And I know y'all hate it when white guys get up here and talk about bangin' metal
So I ain't come here with one gun bar…
Yeah, I came with SEVERAL!
I came in here strapped, preparin' for a war
Y'all ever driven in a Tesla? Yeah, I got the handle in the door
I could run through your entire tribe quicker than malaria
Raise the strap, it's a dating app
I could take out every single person in your area
You think I'm friendly? I'm not, though
Anyone in the room can get it like I'm spinning a bottle
Your whole team duckin' shots from these semis and autos
As bullets go by them like Demi Lovato!
Homie, I-
Y'all don't respect pronouns? What the heck?
Screw it, y'all aren't feelin' that?
I could put the guns down
I'm not Mike P
I don't have to Hadouken! or mimic Ken to brutally finish him
I'm a boxer, I've been workin' on these movements in the gym
Slip, roll, uppercut connects fully with his chin
(*punch*) Then the room begins to spin…
Lookin' like the shrooms are kickin' in!
See, Swave, you can't do that
You're too old
I just doubt that your fif's cockin'
If I hear a (*click-click*) from you, it's the sound of your hip poppin'
You can only son gang-bangers, and that's just your big problem
‘Cause I'm not back-and-forth clique-hoppin'
I'm more Macklemore, thrift-shoppin'
This might surprise you guys…I'm actually not in the streets
I'm just that white friend that T-Top calls to talk to police
And you volunteer at inner-city schools
Bro, I don't know what you thought you could teach
You should know when there's only one white kid in the class, he's always gonna be the hardest to reach
Go ahead and rap, man
[Round 1: Swave Sevah]
(*Swave lets out a sigh*)
Alright, hold on, hold on
Okay, Swave, think logical
How to get past this obstacle
Get these people to rock wit' you
Look who they got as an opp for you…
Okay, say somethin' clever that'll rock the room
No chokin', straight strangle
Stay away from the race angle…impossible
Alright, alright, alright
(*Swave turns towards a member of his entourage while saying the next few bars*)
It don't matter who you facin', right?
You stay slight poised
He bring the static, then you have him communicatin' through white noise
Big game huntin'
Test out a few of your nice toys
Worse comes to worse, Alonzo from Training Day
I'll just throw a SIG (cig') at this white boy
Right? Aight, cool
Mr. Anderson…
Yeah, you knew it was comin'
You knew it was comin'

[Anderson Burrus]
Never heard that
[Swave Sevah]
Nah, this battle's unfair…for me
‘Cause you gettin' judged on a curve
You can come out here and say the most outlandish weirdo shit
And they'll probably love it
But if I say it, I'll sound absurd
They'll dub it
So fuck it
You know how I'mma deal with this?
Skillfulness
I'mma peel your shit
I'mma pack you the fuck up and send this white boy on his pilgrimage
I'm tryin' to figure it out though
How you get here in the first place?
‘Cause your VerseTracker views low
So how we figure he worth pay?
Yo, say somethin' sensible like, “Yo, he funny, huh?”
Don't tell me wordplay
Shit, I'll even accept he the son of a Caffeine exec and it was “Bring Your Son to Work Day”
I mean, what else is it!?
I mean, honestly, I find him to be comic relief
You know, he make y'all laugh, but none of his lines are really designed to believe
But you and I? A Super Fight?
Pfft! Yo, yeah right, this is suicide
But you the guy
The Crucible to cross me to get crucified
The top dog they brought to a vet to be euthanized
And I said yes to this shit!?
But we here now, so it's do-or-die
We locked in
You and I, funny guy - no more options
When me and him brawl, the Comedian fall: the Watchmen
Hold on
The cops find signs of struggle all inside his place
And find his body wit' blood splattered on his smiley face
Jokes!? You want jokes!?
Yo, you look a nerded-out Shaggy from Scooby-Doo!
Who spent time mastering Rubik's Cubes
And actually tutor dudes on how to actively shoot a school
Cool! (*chuckles*)
Aye, be real wit' you
Before I even knew who my opponent was
P said, “Yo, Swave, your next opponent. I'm lettin' him battle ‘cause he gon' help me get my credit right.”
I said, “WHAT!?”
He said, “Oh, that and he said he fight.”
I said, “Yo, P, I ain't even gon' lie. Whoever that is gon' die…and I bet he (Betty) White.”
And what do you know? I was right! (*laughs*)
Ayo, so let's all give Anderson Burrus our hand for his courage
Before I kill him and put this body remains in the furnace!
Smack, get him
All his ramblin' to your cameramen gon' turn to panickin'
And it's gon' get dark for Anderson quicker than it did for Anakin
His face plastered on your brand could be damagin'
So let him dial Eazy before I snap his neck
And the only thing he gon' be (w)rappin' next is his bandages
Homi…
Fuck is he talkin' ‘bout!?
HUH!?
Y'all got me fucked up!
Let's go!

[Round 2: Anderson Burrus]
(*mockingly*) Homi…
(*Swave chuckles*)
Every time Swave raps, Team Homi gets very involved
Me, I show up to every event by myself
‘Cause you know, most of my friends are married with jobs
You call yourself the “leader of Team Homi” like it's some massively huge flex
If you wanna join, just message Swave and say, “Add me to the group text”
That's all it is
I mean, not only are y'all the least respected battle rap gang
You're the largest in size, too
I don't know if Rum Nitty's left yet, but he's probably tried to
His phone rings
“What up, Rum? It's Swave
Haven't shouted out Homi in a while. Just wanted to call and remind you”
Being on Team Homi, it's like being on an email list you forgot you subscribed to
It's kind of an inconvenience
But your lack of self-awareness is absolutely astounding
You called yourselves “Team Homicide”?
Like you don't-
You don't hear how stupid that's sounding?
Like, I don't wanna piss off Team Homi, guys, but what if they found me?
They might…
They might back me up into a corner and…and form a cypher around me!
I mean, really, Swave?
Really, Swave?
Like, what are you gonna try to do?
Lexx is a close friend, Xcel and I are cool
I'm a pretty easy-going guy, Swave
Your whole team loves me
I've never met Sara Kana, but you know, she seems lovely
I'm sure we'd get along
But you put on this whole grandfather image ‘cause you want so desperately to be battle rap's Mr. Miyagi
But you suck as a battler, Swave, and this isn't karate
And a 3-0 in the building isn't a homi
You don't have a team
You have a group of friends who share a similar hobby
It's weird!
Speaking of weird, um…
Swave has a song out called “Small World” that is shockingly not hard to find
It's available everywhere
YouTube, Apple Music, Spotify
The song begins with Swave waking up after a night of drinking with a strange woman in his bed
He sees some condom wrappers on the ground, and a bunch of thoughts rush into his head
And he says - and I quote:
“Shorty was gorgeous
I pulled the covers back further, and her body was flawless”
Yeah! (Woo!)
He goes on to say - and I quote:
“Sex was the bomb
She freaky, we always gettin' off
The way her walls be huggin' my joint, I was even hittin' it raw”
Mmm!
The best sex of his life
He even wanted her to meet his daughter ‘cause he planned on making her his wife
Then he ends the song by saying - and I quote:
“Then I took her to a family function
And after a brief discussion, found out we were cousins”

(*The crowd reacts in shock and surprise to those last few bars*)

[Swave Sevah]
Ayo, you love me
You love me?

[Anderson Burrus]
Where's my water?

[Swave Sevah]
(*to a member of his entourage*)
This is gonna be crazy
Watch this
Ooh, I'mma rebuttal his ass, I'mma rebuttal his ass

[Anderson Burrus]
YOU HAD SEX WITH YOUR COUSIN!?!?
After that, that's all
Swave just stops rappin'
Swave…for legal reasons, we have to know what happens!
He ends it like…
He's like, “I've been havin' sex with my cousin? Guess our relationship's in a rough spot.”
NO!
That song needs to end with a GUNSHOT!
One of you has to die!
You end it by saying “It's a small world”?
No, no, “It's a small world” is what you say when talking about your favorite ride at Disney
It's what you say when you're on vacation and run into somebody from your city
It's not “I've been havin' sex with my cousin? That's what y'all are tellin' me?
Oh, well. It's a small world!”
NO!
In 49 states, it's a FELONY!
Do you not understand that!?

[Swave Sevah]
Yo, this shit…
Ayo, download my album!

[Anderson Burrus]
Swave- shhh!
Swave be like, “Who says I can't have sex with my cousin?”
LAWS!
Now every time a Crip goes up to Swave and says, “What up, Cuz?”
Swave goes…”Pause!”

COME ON!

(*The crowd continues to cheer for Anderson as Swave can't keep from cracking up*)

[Swave Sevah]
Ayo, that was funny!
That was funny
That was funny

[Anderson Burrus]
Frickin' weirdo

[Swave Sevah]
(*Swave cracks up again*)
That shit trash

[Anderson Burrus]
Swave doesn't care about her looks
Just wanna know what them genetics like
Walkin' around braggin'
“Yeah, my family's hella tight.”
Gets off the phone with his mom
She doesn't wanna have sex tonight
So he pulls up Ancestry.com and tries swipin' left and right!
You frickin' weirdo!
Let me find out you and your cousin are getting married in some beautiful setting
Y'all know I'm a videographer
This will not be my first time shooting a wedding
I will run down that aisle and pull out…a normal-lookin' pistol
At first, you think that it's nothin' crazy
Then you see me come out with an extra arm like you and your cousin's baby!
I'm in my bag!
No tellin' what kinda guns I'mma draw
I brought extendos for your extended, and I'm dustin' ‘em all
Kill your whole family, your uncle's brains now cover the walls
Headshot your mom's sister…
You gon' have to M.O.P up your mother-in-law, Swave!
Go ahead and rap, man
Time

[Round 2: Swave Sevah]
Ayo, this n***a's a funny dude

Elephant in the room…
You know, I got a lot of comments askin' me not to bring race up
And I'm like, “OK, but...how?”
I mean, you look up his background, he be talkin' ‘bout race in his battles
He be usin' race in all his skits
And I don't want you thinkin' that you can get away wit' this shit
Ayo, you told a dude in a battle…
“You know what rhymes with ‘Black university?' Lacking diversity”

[Anderson Burrus]
It hit harder in the room

[Swave Sevah]
Yeah, I don't know about y'all, but that didn't work for me
So I'mma ask you personally…you a racist?
No? Yes? No?
(*Anderson shakes his head “No”*)
Alright, so what's up with that post you made wit' that Chess and Drake shit?
You know you made a lot of people in this culture jump on your case quick
But my thing is, I'm saying
Come on, if you don't feel you was wrong, then why you erase it?
Only to replace it wit' a bullshit post givin' another bullshit explanation!
Like, “Yo, why y'all mad?
The dude in the original post wasn't even Black. He was Asian.”
I'll break your fuckin' face in
Ayo, you a racist?
Just say it!
Embrace it
I promise your death will be swift and painless
I grip this stainless, lift and aim it
This little Irish man crib get painted
WHAT!? Murdered! Easy!
This shit different, ain't it?
This agent done infiltrated
Tryna convince my people that he one we can trust
The type to be at a Black Lives Matter event fully covered up
Vandalizing shit so people can think this is us!
N***a, I'll fu- yo…
Ayo, now you've come to battle rap to just lash out?
Yo, what's this riff-raff ‘bout?
Boy, I'll slap the Starbucks out your bitch-ass mouth!
Don't play with me! Live on Caffeine!
Yo, this kid fake
He ‘bout as misleading as clickbait
So no, dude, you're not a guest in hip-hop
You'se a mistake!
Fuck outta here…
Oh yeah! You speakin' for T-Top now!?
Alright, well, tell him come down if you handlin' that
Let him know I will rival his Haymakers as soon as I'm finished this Anderson pack
(*ptoo-ptoo*) And this shit wack!
Yo, who got me losin' to this bootleg Mark Cuban?
Y'all n***as make me mad
Yo, check this out
I will never lose to a dude that look like Ashton Kutcher playin' a meth addict on Breaking Bad
Now go ‘head and make ‘em laugh while I decide what box to put you in
Yo, he look like…
He look like he gon' start a reality show called “Surviving Cyberbullying”
Right?
Talkin' ‘bout, “Yo, I started this show to help with mental health.”
You imagine him on the show?
Like, “This comment. This comment right here.
This the comment that almost made me kill myself.”
Fuck-
Yo, yo, but hold on!
You put out a blog this morning, right?
About me fuckin' my cousin?
Right?
Yo, this shit is insanity
And comin' from you? You got nerve…
White people stay fuckin' they family!
(*chuckles*) Right?
All that shit you said to me, you coulda saved for your own
Yo, you ever watch white porn?
Titles be like “Fucking My Sister While My Mother's Not Home”

Fuckin' got nerve! You fuckin' crazy!?
Get the fuck outta here wit' y'all bullshit!
Go buy my album if you wanna know what's up
Team Homi
It's on my album Son of a One-Armed Man
It's brilliantly written
Team Homi - let's go

[Round 3: Anderson Burrus]
Bro, I thought you were done rapping your round, like, five different times
You wanna bring up that, uh…
That meme that got me in some trouble on Twitter?
Well, comparing your life to mine, mine's not such a mess
‘Cause I put Chess's face on an Asian girl
Bro, you put your face in your cousin's chest!
It's just difference!
But you know, advocacy for incest aside, I really like you, Swave
‘Cause you use all these old-man expressions like “Tighten up, young'un”
Y'all be actin' all goofy
Swave, you remind of, like, a warm-hearted janitor in a basketball movie
Y'all know how like in every-
I mean, it's true
Y'all know how like in all those basketball movies
There's that one player on the team who's actin' out ‘cause he don't see his father no more?
So Swave takes him under his wing and tries to offer support
Tells him things like, “You know, the real game begins when you step off of the court.”
And gives weird metaphors like:
“You know, playin' basketball…it's a lot like moppin' a floor.”
Like, weird stuff like that
That's Swave-

[Swave Sevah]
Fuck outta here, B

[Anderson Burrus]
-but as a battler
Can't you see it?
It's Swave, but as a battler
As a battler, you're absolutely awful
Every time you perform, the crowd gets bored
Swave, you look like you're getting ready to tell us all about the war
You should've quit when you were popular, back in 2004
(Aw, shit…)
And I'm mad at how long we've allowed this for
It's got me frustrated
Like fellas, y'all ever don't wanna be late somewhere ‘cause your girl's takin' forever to get ready
And she's still askin' you stupid questions like, “Do you like this outfit or this outfit more?”
Basically, what I'm saying is, Swave:
It's taking us way too long just to get you out the door!
I'm SICK of it!
You entered Ultimate Madness 3 thinkin' you were gonna land 100 grand?
Swave, all you are is Head I.C.E, except you're a little easier to understand

[Swave Sevah]
That was fire, that was good

[Anderson Burrus]
All you are is Head I.C.E, except you're a little easier to understand
I mean, the past 12 years have been a nonstop losing streak
You have never been good
But what's messed up is you're not even as good as you used to be
We only know you because of Mook and Lux, which is embarrassin'
You owe your entire career to Friends, like Jennifer Aniston
No social media presence, and that's why you get viewed less
Which is why you have a blue belt and Lux has a blue check
You've done nothing memorable
No performance has been a game-changer
You've been battling for 20 years, barely given us a haymaker
I mean, a Swave. Sevah. Haymaker
If I asked this crowd to name one
I'd have to give you all a moment
Which is more than he's ever done!
And just the fact that you struggle with that
Only goes to prove my point that you are stuck in the past
Ridin' around, bumpin' Inspectah Deck, playin' “Protect Ya Neck”
‘Cause it brings you back to those old days that you wish you could relive
But you're 87 years old, Swave, and Wu-Tang is for the KIDS!
You haven't evolved!
Which is why, in this new era, you don't do too well
See, I've gotten hotter over time like NuNu Nellz
He can't out-rap me, out-perform me, and he definitely doesn't write as good
I'm just better
It's black-and-white, like every picture from Swave's childhood!
I AM...

[Swave Sevah]
Oh my God, what number is that?
Old joke after old joke after old joke

[Anderson Burrus]
I am Rookie of the Year
Because you know what SMACK needs?
Somebody who can balance bars and jokes on Caffeine
And I work hard, day and night, to give you those exact things
But y'all have no idea what all goes into this like the COVID vaccine
See, I first got into bars back in middle school like a fake ID
Now when small leagues want good footage, they call me
I'm both rapping and filming to help make y'all see
I mean, not to rip off Lu, but I'm a big dog, too
And I got my paws in (pausin') everything like Ace Amin
See, I give it all I have on this stage
Let's just keep it a bean
Like an atheist, I don't be leavin' (believe in) a thing
But that's how I'm wired, so I continue to be a machine
I'm talkin' wig on every rapper like Queen of the Ring!

He's tryin' so hard not to like it

I understand, as a battle rapper, our mission's evolving
We're not here to impress fans
We're here to impress the millionaires watching
It is not about talent, but bringing in a huge check
“Tune into Cassidy vs. Freeway and see who gets booed less!”
Frickin' awesome!
That's the problem with most of you SMACK-era rappers who are wonderin' where the passion went
NewRL's been on the sidelines, just beggin' y'all to tag us in
Mook sucks, Rex sucks
Y'all keep bringin' them back again!
Aye Verb hates women!
Serius Jones trafficks them!
We're less problematic!
Hey! Mike P, start winnin' battles
‘Cause I'm ready for a challenge, bro
I'm the best performer in my class
I mean, I've really let my talent show
So y'all gon' remember me like the Alamo or Lux's third for Calicoe
What? Thought this white boy would get on URL and then disappear?
I am NOT you Average Joe!
I've been tellin' y'all…

Thank y'all for havin' me, man
Thank you, Swave

[Smack White]
Give it up for Anderson Burrus!
Last round, Swave Swevah, it's on you
Let's get it

[Anderson Burrus]
Oh, he's still rappin'?

[Swave Sevah]
Swave SEVER

[Smack White]
Swave Sever

[Swave Sevah]
Swave SEVER

[Smack White]
Got you - let's get it

[Swave Sevah]
He's like “Swave Swevah”
You're killin' me wit' that shit!

[Round 3: Swave Sevah]
Yo, Andy, what's your endgame here?
You understand the rules, or no?
Check this out - before you get out here foolin' folks
I'mma give you some of battle rap's do's and don'ts
I'mma show the way
And the first thing I'mma say…
Is you gotta watch some of these friends and the affiliations you make
‘Cause a lot of these n***as is fake
Y'all n***as…lot of these dudes fake
Don't make the mistakes of those like you in the past
Like, it's conversations like these that woulda saved Charron from gettin' slapped
And I love you
Hold on - I love you, bro
But speaking of Charron, ‘member when he battled Ars' and he pulled out the flag?
‘Member?
Yeah, don't do that
We here to rap
Talk your shit, but be mindful of how you sayin' it
And it's okay, you can tell your jokes
But be careful who you playin' wit'
Don't talk all this gangster stuff if you ain't really on no gangster shit
Like, I seen you before
You the worst, Anderson
You like a bad version of Rone
You like his multiverse variant
And you got talent! You got talent!
I hear your little bars and schemes
But your awkward steeze, it come off more like Carter Deems
See, you gotta toughen up
You gotta toughen up!
Listen, this is acknowledge- you should be acknowledgin'
See, you gotta command your respect if you want a followin' as big as Solomon
Yo, and there's a lot of girls and beautiful women in the culture
You might even get you a nice piece
But before you jump out the window and try to make one of them wifey
You might wanna have a conversation wit' Mike P
I'm just sayin', it might change your perspective slightly
Man up, try to blend in, and try to act equal
And under no circumstances are you to do videos with Avocado talkin' ‘bout Black people
Right?
Listen, the racial undertone blogs you do, please stop
Quit bein' a fuckin' errand boy for T-Top
And whatever you do, last but not least
You hearin' me? Listen
You hear good, but you gotta hear this
You hear me?

[Anderson Burrus]
Yeah, I get you

[Swave Sevah]
You hear me?

[Anderson Burrus]
I get you

[Swave Sevah]
Don't ever battle B. Dot
You hear?

[Anderson Burrus]
Yeah

[Swave Sevah]
I'm tellin' you

[Anderson Burrus]
Yeah

[Swave Sevah]
I'm serious

[Anderson Burrus]
He messed you up

[Swave Sevah]
‘Cause that boy gon' kill you
And he ain't just gon' kill you
He gon' have everybody in here wantin' you dead
And then you gon' come back cryin' to one of us, and…I'mma put a gun to your head
You gon' be like:
“Yo, Swave, I'm sayin' don't kill me, please!
I thought you was helpin' me build my success up!”
And I'mma reply
“I am! I think you got a brilliant career in stand-up
So this is me giving you practice on how to deal with a Heckler”
Stop playin' wit' me!
You court jester…geek
Poindexter…dweeb
You herb…you soft
You nerd...you a dork!
I could come up wit' many other words to keep goin'
But look around - you see here? You don't belong!
Get the FUCK on!
Homi, man