[LEMONY SNICKET]
You may think that the Baudelaires
Ought to prevail
And be tucked some place
All safe and sound
Count Olaf captured
And rotting in jail
His henchpeople nowhere around

[COUNT OLAF]
But there's no happy endings
Not here and not now
This tale is all sorrows and woes
You dream that justice
And peace win the day
But that's not how the story goes

[MR. POE]
You might think that two parents
Both brave and both true
Would live 'til a nice ripe old age
But I'm sad to say
I have bad news for you
The curtain rings down on the stage

[VIOLET & KLAUS]
Yes, there's no happy endings
Not here and not now
[COUNT OLAF]
This tale is all sorrows and woes

[MR. POE]
You might dream that justice
And peace win the day

[ALL]
But that's not how the story goes

[LEMONY SNICKET]
I once loved a girl
And she thought well of me
We thought we'd be happy together
But now I'm alone
As you can well see
And she's cold in her grave forever

[COUNT OLAF]
There's no happy endings
Not here and not now

[VIOLET & KLAUS]
This tale is all sorrows and woes

[VIOLET]
You might dream that justice
And peace win the day
[ALL]
But that's not how the story goes

[COUNT OLAF]
The world is a pair
Of ill-fitting pants
And other dire hideous clothes

[VIOLET & KLAUS]
You might think that three children
Would lead pleasant lives
But that's not how the story goes

[LEMONY SNICKET]
Some people smile
At the end of the day

[COUNT OLAF]
Some people laugh, I suppose

[MR. POE]
But to me, there's nothing
But gloom and despair

[ALL]
That's just how the story goes
[MR. POE]
That's just how the story— (coughs)

[Instrumental Outro]

[SUNNY] (whistling)

[MR. POE] (vocalizing)
(spoken)
Mm, that's nice