[COUNT OLAF]
Welcome, welcome, welcome to the House of Freaks
Prepare to see some people with some very odd physiques
Sit back, my friends
Relax, my friends
The show is quite informal
'Cause when you see these freaks
You will be grateful that you're normal

Welcome, welcome, welcome to the House of Freaks
Let's bring out the strangest folks you've seen in weeks
The first one is a man I think you're going to love a bunch
He may have normal shoulders, but this poor guy has a hunch

(spoken)
Look at him. The hunch is caused by a spinal abnormality. Ha ha!

[HOOK-HANDED MAN, spoken]
Ha ha ha! Spines!

[COUNT OLAF, spoken]
Get dressed, Hugo. Isn't it hilarious? He can't even put on a coat!

[HENCHPERSON OF INDETERMINATE GENDER, spoken]
Can someone help him?
[COUNT OLAF]
Welcome, welcome, welcome to the House of Freaks
You'll never find such weirdos in the oddest of boutiques
You've seen one freak so far, so let's dish up another portion
A girl whose body does a freaky thing we call contortion

[AUDIENCE MEMBER, spoken]
She looks completely normal

[COUNT OLAF, spoken]
Only to the untrained eye. If by "untrained" we mean, "Never having seen this person do these particular things"

[HOOK-HANDED MAN, spoken]
Wow, that's actually kinda—

[COUNT OLAF, spoken]
Look at her! Imagine being next to that at yoga. How humiliating. For her!

(sung)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to the House of Freaks
Are you feeling scared? Well, be prepared for tears and shrieks
Something shocking's coming up, and yes, I'm being candid
Our next freak is someone who is neither right- or left-handed

[AUDIENCE MEMBER, spoken]
Is he—
[COUNT OLAF, spoken]
He's ambivalent!

[AUDIENCE MEMBER, spoken]
What?

[COUNT OLAF, spoken]
Ambiguous!

[KEVIN, spoken]
Ambidextrous

[COUNT OLAF, spoken]
Ambidextrous! Write your name, Kenneth

[KEVIN, spoken]
It's Kevin

[COUNT OLAF, spoken]
Yep. Ladies and gentleman, his signatures are basically identical!

[WHITE-FACED WOMEN, spoken]
I've never seen two things as identical as that!

[AUDIENCE MEMBER, spoken]
Now, that is freakish. Am I right?
[COUNT OLAF, spoken]
Now, avert your eyes unless you're brave enough to handle the sight of a man shaving with two hands. I apologize if this is too shocking for any of the children in the crowd. Oh!

[KEVIN, spoken]
Well, that was utterly humiliating, so I guess it went well

[HUGO, spoken]
Yup

[VIOLET]
That means we're next

[COUNT OLAF, spoken]
You are going to love our next act
But first, how about a hand for our ring master?!

(sung)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to the House of Freaks
Open up your peepers wide and get your freaky peeps
These freaks you'll all remember as you lie there in your bed
'Cause one's a half-wolf baby and the other has two heads

[ESMÉ, spoken]
You heard my boyfriend, get out there! *whip cracks* Unless you want pasta scars

[COUNT OLAF, spoken]
Behold, corn! Something every normal person can eat. Can you eat corn, normal person?

[HENCHPERSON OF INDETERMINATE GENDER, spoken]
I prefer asparagus... I mean delicious corn

[COUNT OLAF, spoken]
These brand new freaks will turn these ears of corn into a hideous mess, while one of them more or less growls. Please laugh, make tasteless jokes, and purchase beverages to throw at the freakish heads of Beverly and Elliot and Chabo the Wolf Baby!

[AUDIENCE MEMBER, spoken]
Come on, I wanna see corn eaten badly

[WHITE-FACED WOMAN, spoken]
Yeah!

[COUNT OLAF, spoken]
Eat the damn corn
*chewing sounds*

[LEMONY SNICKET, spoken]
There's no need for anyone to witness the horrible and humiliating scene that followed

[COUNT OLAF]
Welcome, welcome, welcome to the House of Freaks
I said, welcome, welcome, welcome to the House of Freaks
Bring it home, now!
Welcome, welcome, welcome to the House of Freaks