Now I don't mind if fifty thousand yobos beat me up outside a football ground on a Saturday afternoon
I'll still come out fighting
D'ya' know why? You've seen me on television
I'm the lowest common denominator
And this is all about yob culture
So welcome to jolly Old England
I'm the stand up comic

Jack the Lad has become Oscar Wilde
And the followers of style say it's the latest thing
And William Shakespeare is the schmooze of the week
And anyone who says different is a fuckin' antique
And Noel Coward has become very hard
And the comic says "Bollocks" and everybody laughs
And that's that

Style, I mean
Never was much, never has been
But the little bit that was was all that we had
And the clown does a belch and we all belch back
And that's that

Jack the Lad has become Fancy Dan
And creating agro culture with a rub-on tan
And all the tearaways have got savoir faire
And the working class hero's got a'tinted hair
And a well-spoken hero from a'yesteryear
Walks out onto a stage and they all shout "Queer!"
And that's that
Manners, I mean
Never was much, never has been
But the little bit that was was all that we had
Now the clown does a fart and we all fart back
And that's that

Stand up, stand up
Can you hear me at the back?
All you white boys standin' in a row
And the comic shouts
And we all shout back
And the mob says "Follow" so we go

Stand up, stand up
Can you hear me at the back?
All you white boys standing in a row
And the comic shouts
And we all shout back
And the mob says "Follow" so we go
And that's that

What do you think of it so far?
I knew you'd say that
You've been watchin' too much television
Together now!
Jack the Lad has become Oscar Wilde
And the followers of style say it's the latest thing
And William Shakespeare is the schmooze of the week
And anyone who says different is an antique
And Noel Coward has become very odd
And the comic says "Bollocks" and everyone laughs
And that's that

Style, I mean
Never was much, never has been
But the little bit that was was all that we had
Now the clown does a belch and we all belch back
And that's that

All together now!
Stand up, stand up
Can you hear me at the back?
All you wide white boys standing in a row
And the comic shouts
And we all shout back
And the mob says "Follow" so we go

Stand up, stand up
Can you hear me at the back?
All you white boys standing in a row
And the comic shouts
And we all shout back
And the mob says "Follow" so we go
And that's that
Well, I'm goin' down the pub now
You're welcome to join me if you like but I know you won't You've all been watching too much television
Well I'll be in the public bar, minding my own business