[Foreword by Fred Schneider]
Oh Jesus, Brenda
Let me tell you about this cabaret show
I saw last night
My god, what a piece of campy trash
The lights dim, this drag queen, i forget her name...
"Dean Monsen" or I don't know
Comes out, ratted hair, gothic makeup, slutty outfit...
She was the worst! And her piano player
Gave me a headache
This girl was all comedy and no glamour
I tell you it's one of the biggest pieces of crap
I've ever have to endure

[Jinkx Monsoon]
I'd like to propose a toast

Here's to the ladies in drag, everybody clap
Covered in makeup to hide all our sags; spilling cocktails in our lap
Off to a show or to a party; worried we're fat
And looking low, while sipping Bacardi; adjusting our hat…
'Cause let's face it, does anyone but a drag queen still wear a hat?

I'll drink to that

And here's to the girls who stay smart, aren't they a gasp?
Rushing to their classes in performance art, knowing they won't pass
Another long, exhausting night, the drag scene can be risky
You lose a heel, get in a fight; thank God for cheap well whiskey
I'll drink to that

And one for RuPaul…
And here's to the girls who wear crowns; aren't we too much?
Running around in our high heels and gowns, thinking we're in touch
The ones who follow the rules; and use the appropriate tools, too gorgeous to care if we're fools…
Aren't they a gem? I'll drink to them!
Let's all drink to them!

And here's to the girls who just watch, aren't they the best?
When they get depressed it's a bottle of scotch, plus a little jest
Another chance to disapprove, another brilliant singer…
Another reason not to move, another vodka stinger…

I'l drink to that!

And here's to the girls in the show, everybody thrive
Look into our eyes and you'll see what we know, everybody dies!
A toast to this invincible crew! The divas in size 15 shoes, let's hear it for the girls with updos…

Everybody rise!
Rise!
Rise!