MARVEL BUMPER

Deadpool hums along with the Marvel bumper music.

CUT TO: EXT. FOREST

Cut to a blurry shot of a snowy forest. Deadpool narrates.

DEADPOOL: (Voiceover) That logo music just gets you pumped, right? I'm sorry, I’m just excited to be here. It's been a while. You know, for a long time, I wasn't sure I’d ever be back.

The shot pans down to Deadpool, blurred in the distance.

DEADPOOL: (Voiceover) Disney bought Fox, there was a whole boring rights issue, blabbity blabbity blah.

Deadpool walks through the forest.

DEADPOOL: (Voiceover) But then, it turned out that they wanted me! The one guy who shouldn't even have his own movie, much less a franchise. Marvel's so stupid. Look, we know the title of this thing, so I know what you're wondering. How are we going to do this without dishonoring Logan's memory?

Deadpool becomes clear in the frame as he approaches the camera.

DEADPOOL: (Voiceover) And I'll tell you how.

Cut to a shot of Logan's grave.

DEADPOOL: (Voiceover) We're not.
"Only You" by The Platters begins playing. The camera slowly pans over the grave to show sprays of dirt as Deadpool exhumes Wolverine.

DEADPOOL: (Voiceover) I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Wolverine is not dead. Sure, it made for a perfect ending to a very sad story, but that’s not how regenerative healing factors work. You think I want to be out here in beautiful downtown North Dakota, digging up the one and only Wolverine? No, thank you. But the fate of my entire world is at stake. He may not be living his best life, but he sure as hell ain't dead.

Deadpool’s shovel hits something.

DEADPOOL: Bingo.

He lifts his shovel up.

DEADPOOL: Yahtzee. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

He begins to slam his shovel down repeatedly.

DEADPOOL: Damn it! Son of a bitch!

He destroys Wolverine's grave marker with his shovel.

DEADPOOL: You!

He breaks his shovel over his knee.

DEADPOOL: Fuck! Christ! Motherfucker! My world is fuck—

Cut to a close-up of Deadpool's face.
DEADPOOL: That was weird. I'm much calmer now. Look, I’m not a man of science, but you seem incredibly passed away.

Cut to a medium shot which reveals Deadpool has propped Wolverine's desiccated corpse up next to him. He sighs.

DEADPOOL: But it's good to see ya. I gotta be honest, I've always wanted to ride with you, Log'. You and me, getting into it. Deadpool and Wolverine. Just fucking shit up. Can you imagine the fun? The chaos? The residuals?

Deadpool begins playing with Wolverine's jaw.

DEADPOOL: (In an Australian accent) G'day, mate? There's nothing that'll bring me back to life faster than a big bag of Marvel cash. (Normal) Me too, Hugh. But no. No, no, no. Ugh, you had to get all noble and die for real. Goddamn it! I could really use your help right now.

Deadpool becomes alert as a whirring noise is heard nearby. Several TVA agents appear out of portals. Deadpool briefly pops his head out from behind cover to see them. He pulls Wolverine's corpse down and raises his hand.

DEADPOOL: Wait! I'm warning you! I'm not alone!

TVA OFFICER: Wade Winston Wilson!

Behind cover, Deadpool breaks off one of Wolverine's bones.

TVA OFFICER: You are under arrest by the Time Variance Authority for too many crimes to list. Come out and we'll extend you the courtesy of taking you in one piece.

Deadpool groans.

DEADPOOL: Death by day-player.

TVA OFFICER: Last chance! Throw out your weapons and come out peacefully!
DEADPOOL: I'm not gonna give you my weapons! But I promise not to use them.

Deadpool turns towards the camera.

DEADPOOL: There are 206 bones in the human body. 207 if I'm watching Gossip Girl. Here we go, maximum effort.

Deadpool high-fives Wolverine's corpse. After a moment, he leaps out from behind cover wielding the corpse as a weapon. The TVA agents ready themselves. "Bye Bye Bye" by *NSYNC begins playing.

DEADPOOL: Okay, peanut. Guess we're getting that team up after all.

Deadpool begins using Wolverine's bones to kill TVA agents. More agents pour in as Deadpool goes back and forth between killing them and dancing to *NSYNC, all while the opening credits appear in various humorous ways.

DEADPOOL: Maradona from outside the box. Goal!

He kicks Wolverine's skull. The sequence continues.

DEADPOOL: Come on, big fella!

He rips one of Wolverine's legs out from being lodged in an agent. The sequence continues for some time until finally the song fades out as Deadpool equips Wolverine's claws and approaches the final agents.

DEADPOOL: I am soaking wet right now.

He poses dramatically with the claws in front of the movie's title. The scene freezes and the camera begins panning around him.

DEADPOOL: (Voiceover) To be clear, I'm not proud of any of this. The wanton violence, the whiff of necrophilia, it isn't who I am, it isn't who I wanna be. Who I wanna be? Well, to help you understand that, I gotta take you back. My little joy ride I took through space and time, to the day that changed everything.

Fade to black. Cable's time travel device is shown before a rewinded montage of several moments from Deadpool 2.

CUT TO: INT. HAPPY'S OFFICE

Cut to a calendar which displays the date March 14, 2018. The camera begins to pan around Wade Wilson in civilian clothes seated in an office.

DEADPOOL: I can't believe I'm finally here. I've waited for this moment for so long.

Text that reads "Earth-616" appears on screen, followed by "The Sacred Timeline."

DEADPOOL: Thank you, sir, for seeing me. I firmly believe that my services could be of great use to your organization. Now, I know I was caught smashturbating in the lobby of Stark Tower—

Cut to a reverse shot revealing that Wade is sitting across from Happy Hogan.

HAPPY: Smashturbating?

DEADPOOL: —but I can assure you that—

HAPPY: I'm sorry, what was that?

DEADPOOL: No, I'm sorry. That's when you get those toy Hulk hands, right? And then you just, you look down and you just, you brace yourself and ravage the midsection.

HAPPY: I get it—

DEADPOOL: Pinch the—

HAPPY: Thank you. The picture's painted.

DEADPOOL: You get the gist.

HAPPY: Uh, what exactly brings you here today?

DEADPOOL: Why am I…? Wow, okay, uh… I… care. I know I turn everything into a joke, but I care and I want to use that feeling for something important. I want to matter. I need to show my girl that I matter. You know, I feel like I'm wasting the good stuff here. Is the man not going to be joining us?

HAPPY: The man?

DEADPOOL: Yeah, I should say this if he's gonna…

HAPPY: As far as you're concerned right now, I'm the man.

DEADPOOL: No…

HAPPY: The man is me. I am the man, in this circumstance.

DEADPOOL: Mm.

HAPPY: And let me say, he doesn't do this kind of thing anymore.

DEADPOOL: Cameos?

HAPPY: Meetings.

DEADPOOL: Meetings.

HAPPY: Entry-level meetings.

DEADPOOL: Entry-level? Aren't you the chauffeur, maybe?

HAPPY: I— Common misconception. I did begin my career as Mr. Stark's driver. I quickly pivoted to—

DEADPOOL: Chauffeur.

HAPPY: The head of security.

DEADPOOL: The head of security. Of course. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

HAPPY: And why I am vetting your resume. You seem to have left out whether or not you had any experience as a member of a team. Could you maybe add a little bit of perspective?

DEADPOOL: Oh! No, yes, of course. I was Special Forces, but I was… mainly, I was team leader, founder, really, of X-Force. Sadly, they all perished in action.

HAPPY: Oh, how exactly did that happen?

DEADPOOL: Um, well, the police say gravity, but just between us, they didn't test well in the focus group. Particularly Cable.

Happy begins writing something down.

DEADPOOL: Whoa, okay, look. I can see this isn't going well. Please stop writing. Look… I'm just… I want to be an Avenger. I want to be an Avenger.

HAPPY: Why do you want to be an Avenger?

DEADPOOL: Look around you, I mean, they're the best of the best. And what they do matters. I need to be an Avenger. Sir, my girl is, uh, kind of had a bit of a shtick, and if I don't, you know, turn things around and do something with my gifts, I don't think it's going to really work out for me, and I wouldn't blame her.

As happy talks, the shot cuts between Avengers memorabilia throughout the room.

HAPPY: Avengers are a very unique group of superheroes that stand for something more than just fighting and wearing costumes. I mean, people look up to us. Kids look up to us.

DEADPOOL: I'm sorry, us? I wasn't aware that you were an Avenger.

HAPPY: Avengers adjacent, technically.

DEADPOOL: Oh, what's your superpower? Is it parallel parking? I am so sorry. That was cruel. I lash out when I'm nervous. It won't happen again.

HAPPY: Let's cut to the chase.

DEADPOOL: Please.

HAPPY: You just said moments ago that you wanted to be an Avenger because "you need it."

DEADPOOL: Yes, sir, I do.

HAPPY: But the Avengers don't do the job because they need it. They do the job because people need them. Do you see the distinction?

DEADPOOL: Yes, sir. Please, Mr. Hogan, I don't want to spend the rest of my life like an annoying one-trick pony.

HAPPY: All right.

Happy stands up from his desk.

DEADPOOL: Oh, my God. You're standing.

HAPPY: Yeah, now's the time that we stand.

DEADPOOL: Damn it.

Deadpool stands. They both begin walking towards the exit.

HAPPY: The problem might be that you're reaching a little, a little too high. Aim for the middle and you'll never miss. Right? I think you got a good heart. I believe what you're saying. But not everybody's a world-saving type. I'm not. I'm happy. Right? I found my place. Find your place. All right. Get back out there. We'll keep an eye. Good luck.

Deadpool begins to leave, but runs back for a hug.

DEADPOOL: Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Fetch the car. I want to hit Shake Shack. Rejection makes me hungie.

HAPPY: No, no, no. Please.

DEADPOOL: Okay. Thank you.

He leaves. Happy closes the door behind him.

DEADPOOL: (Voiceover) You know what they say? When one door closes, your locker at work opens.

Text appears on screen which reads "EARTH-10005," followed by "SIX YEARS LATER."

CUT TO: INT. DRIVEMAX

A series of rapid cuts show Deadpool getting ready for work, including using a staple gun to attach a toupee in place.

DEADPOOL: Now let's go sell some certified pre-owned vehicles, motherfu—

CUT TO: INT. CAR

Cut to a medium shot of the inside of a car. Two parents ride in the front seat while Deadpool sits awkwardly squished between two children in the middle row.

DEADPOOL: Technically, the Carnival is not a minivan. It's an MPV.

TAMMY: So how does the Kia compare to the Honda Odyssey?

DEADPOOL: The Odyssey? That's a great question. Um, it doesn't fucking suck.

TAMMY: You know, you can answer the question without swearing.

DEADPOOL: I'm sorry, Tammy. I don't have kids. Not that I haven't dreamt of that, but I don't have a lot of vaginal sex.

CUT TO: INT. DRIVEMAX

Cut to an establishing shot of Deadpool's job. Cut inside the employee locker room to Deadpool and Peter mid-conversation.

PETER: You'll get them next time, pal.

DEADPOOL: Yeah.

PETER: And look, you can always go back to super-heroing. I mean, I know I'd like to see you back in the suit. I don't keep it in my locker so that I can wear it. I keep it in my locker in case we need to saddle up again.

Peter opens his locker to reveal Deadpool's supersuit.

DEADPOOL: Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing in there? I'm done. I'm done. And I'm fine with being done. Look, is sales the best match? Probably not. Is this the life that I always imagined for myself? Fuck, no! This is the right fit for me, sugar bear, it is.

PETER: Okay, Mr. Wilson.

CUT TO: EXT. CITY STREET, NIGHT

Cut to Deadpool and Peter riding bikes home from work.

PETER: I'm just saying, once a month, we could go on a little mission. We're human beings. We crave purpose. After all, we're Deadpool.

DEADPOOL: Please stop saying that. We're not Deadpool. I'm not even Deadpool anymore.

The duo pulls their bikes over.

PETER: Well, if we're gonna have a midlife crisis, go big. A few years ago, a friend of mine got his nipples pierced with a titanium chain that goes down and attaches to his Van Johnson.

Several black and white stills of Deadpool and Peter taken from nearby flash by on screen. Deadpool takes notice of a construction worker pointing a piece of equipment in his direction.

PETER: Are you feeling Grumple Stiltskin because it's your birthday?

DEADPOOL: What? No. No.

CUT TO: INT. DEADPOOL'S APARTMENT

Deadpool's apartment is dark. Just after he opens the door, someone turns a light on, revealing many of his friends standing around.

ALL: Surprise!

DEADPOOL: You guys are lucky I'm not armed. Get in here! If this was six years ago, you'd all be dead.

Cut to Deadpool talking to Dopinder later.

DOPINDER: So then, he gets out of the cab, and you would not believe it. I turn around, and what do I find?

Shatterstar pipes up from nearby.

SHATTERSTAR: Airpods.

DOPINDER: His Airpods!

SHATTERSTAR: Crazy story.

DEADPOOL: Every time. Come on.

DOPINDER: Every single time.

Cut to Deadpool sitting on the couch next to Blind Al.

BLIND AL: Make any sales today?

DEADPOOL: You know I didn't. Did you sell any Dreamcatchers on Etsy or whatever it is that you do?

BLIND AL: Our rent's due in 3 days Wade, I can't keep carrying you.

DEADPOOL: Relax. I have the money. I sold some old blood pressure medication I found lying around.

BLIND AL: You trying to kill me, motherfucker?

DEADPOOL: I'm not the one dousing everything in salt, motherfucker.

BLIND AL: I pray every day that fire finds your body and finishes the job God didn't have the nuts to do.

DEADPOOL: That's hurtful. If you could hear the look on my face, you'd smell how sad I am.

Cut to Deadpool and Colossus standing together.

DEADPOOL: You watched anything good?

COLOSSUS: Great British bake-off.

DEADPOOL: Oh, goddamn. This shit stood between me and suicide for ten years.

Cut to Deadpool talking with Buck.

DEADPOOL: Those are my feelings. On abortion, religious freedom, animal rights, privacy rights, vaccines, free market capitalism, global climate change.

Buck tries to speak, but Deadpool stops him.

DEADPOOL: Duh-duh-duh, no. No speaking lines, Buck.

Deadpool approaches Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Yukio.

DEADPOOL: Hi, Yukio.

YUKIO: Hi, Wade!

She waves at him.

NEGASONIC: Nice fake o'clock shadow.

DEADPOOL: It's a summer balayage from the French. It's meant to mimic the natural highlights of the sun.

NEGASONIC: It's a toupee.

DEADPOOL: It's a hair system.

YUKIO: I love your hair system, Wade.

DEADPOOL: Thank you.

Cut to Deadpool and Blind Al.

BLIND AL: Wanna do some cocaine?

DEADPOOL: Hey, cocaine is the one thing that Feige said is off-limits.

BLIND AL: What about Bolivian marching powder?

DEADPOOL: They know all the slang terms. They have a list.

BLIND AL: Even snowboarding?

DEADPOOL: Even disco dust.

BLIND AL: White girl interrupted?

DEADPOOL: Even Forrest bump.

BLIND AL: Booger sugar?

DEADPOOL: I wouldn't even try powdered gonuts.

BLIND AL: Do you want to build a snowman?

DEADPOOL: Yes! But I can't.

He gets up in frustration. Cut to Peter showing off a titanium chain to several of the other party attendees.

PETER: Hold here.

YUKIO: Here?

PETER: Yeah.

Yukoi pulls the chain. Peter cries out.

DOPINDER: What happened?

PETER: That's the fun part.

Cut to Deadpool and Vanessa standing around the food and drinks.

DEADPOOL: Thanks for coming.

VANESSA: Yeah.

DEADPOOL: How's work?

VANESSA: Oh, I got a promotion.

DEADPOOL: No way.

VANESSA: Yeah. It's mind-numbing middle management, but I'm happy.

DEADPOOL: That's great.

They speak their next lines over each other.

VANESSA: How about you?

DEADPOOL: You, uh, seeing anyone?

VANESSA: Um, yeah. Guy from work. Dermot.

DEADPOOL: Dermot.

VANESSA: He's kind.

DEADPOOL: Good.

VANESSA: Likes to go hiking. Hasn't gotten me shot yet.

DEADPOOL: Well, it's the early days.

VANESSA: How about you? You seeing anyone?

DEADPOOL: Mm. No, no, I live in a one-bedroom apartment. I share a bed with Blind Al.

They both laugh.

VANESSA: All right.

DEADPOOL: All right.

She walks away. His smile fades. Cut to everyone at the party gathered together as they finish singing "Happy Birthday To You.".

ALL: Happy birthday to you!

DEADPOOL: Okay, okay, okay. Birthdays. Boy, every spin around the moon is a new adventure indeed.

BLIND AL: Sun, dumbass.

DEADPOOL: Okay, round-earther. Where was I?

COLOSSUS: The adventure of life.

DEADPOOL: Right. It's been a challenging few years. I haven't seen you guys in a while. Been through a lot. A change of life.

BUCK: Menopause?

DEADPOOL: Bitch, are you improv-ing?

DOPINDER: Mm-mm.

DEADPOOL: I'm sorry that you had to see that, Yukio.

YUKIO: It's ok.

DEADPOOL: But I'm happy. You know, and that, that's because of each and every one of you. I guess what I'm trying to say is how proud I am, how grateful I am, to be standing in a room with every single person I love. I'm the luckiest man alive.

VANESSA: Make a wish, buddy.

DEADPOOL: Ten-four, good buddy. Going down.

He kneels down and blows out a candle on a cake. There's a knock on the door. Cut to him opening it.

TVA OFFICER: Wade Wilson?

A TVA officer and several other agents are standing in the hallway outside.

DEADPOOL: Oh, yeah. Dancers. Dopinder must have ordered you. Are those supposed to be cop costumes? Never mind. Take your clothes off, but leave the helmets. And this isn't Pretty Woman.

He eats a breath mint.

DEADPOOL: We're kissing, all right? What song do you guys normally dance to?

The agents take out their weapons.

DEADPOOL: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He steps out into the hall and closes the door behind him.

DEADPOOL: Is that supposed to be scary? Pegging isn't new for me, friendo, but it is for Disney.

He winks at the camera. They activate their weapons. He tuts.

DEADPOOL: Look, I've never been a natural bottom. So we're going to take things real slow, and I want some crazy eye contact. Not you, you.

He points at one of the masked agents.

DEADPOOL: I can't see your eyes through the mask, but I can feel it. We're going to move on down the hallway so we can spare a cleanup on aisle asshole. How does everyone feel about this plan?

TVA OFFICER: I don't like you.

DEADPOOL: Yes. Let's hold on to that attitude, and we're going to do it angry.

A TVA portal opens behind him. An agent reaches out and grabs him. The officer rips his toupee off as he's dragged through the portal and leaves it on the floor of the hallway.

CUT TO: INT. TIME VARIANCE AUTHORITY

Cut to Deadpool unconscious while seated at a table. He comes to and lifts his head up, looking around as the camera pulls back to show a figure seated across from him.

PARADOX: Mr. Wilson. You appear to have soiled yourself while unconscious.

DEADPOOL: I wasn't unconscious. Who are you?

Cut to a wide shot of the room, showing two TVA agents by the entrance.

PARADOX: I go by the name of Paradox, Mr. Paradox, and you're sitting here at the TVA, the Time Variance Authority. We're really a watchdog organization, except we're more lighthearted than that sounds, with sort of a throwback ironic twist. And we're in charge of defending what's known as the Sacred Timeline.

DEADPOOL: Holy fuck, that is a shit ton of exposition for a three-quel. Is this because I used Cable's time machine, brought a couple of people back to life, then I destroyed it. That was a long time ago.

PARADOX: Yes, we're aware of your abuse of your timeline. (Chuckling) And you were so abusive of it. No, it has nothing to do with that.

He snaps.

PARADOX: Walk with me.

Cut to them in another part of the building. They come through a sliding door into a large control room, with several dozen cubicles of TVA workers, a central control panel, and a wall of televisions.

PARADOX: I brought you here, Mr. Wilson, to tell you that you're special. In fact, you've been chosen for a higher purpose, a purpose unclear even to me, but one that could save the entire Sacred Timeline from a possibly grisly fate sometime in the future, which may very well need to be avenged.

He greatly emphasizes the word avenged.

DEADPOOL: This sacred timeline, I assume I'm going to marvel at how cinematic it feels? Gratuitous cameos, indiscriminate use of variance, the whole package?

PARADOX: Well, you tell me.

He presses a button and gestures towards the TV wall. Several scenes of Captain America from previous films in the MCU play. Deadpool salutes.

DEADPOOL: Cap.

More scenes from the MCU play as Paradox talks.

PARADOX: You are no longer lost. Wade. You can be a hero among the heroes. We've been surveilling you for quite a while.

Several scenes of Deadpool walking play.

DEADPOOL: Subway station.

PARADOX: A TVA outpost, yes.

DEADPOOL: And what is that?

PARADOX: Hmm?

One of the TVs shows a very injured Deadpool being cradled by Thor.

DEADPOOL: Is that me? Is that Thor? Is he crying?

PARADOX: Uh, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Paradox gets the attention of another agent at the control panel

PARADOX: That happens in the distant future.

Deadpool gets in the face of the employee trying to change the TV.

DEADPOOL: Why is Thor crying? Quick, tell me!

DEADPOOL: Do not speak to her. Stop that. Eyes on me. I brought you here to offer you an opportunity, the opportunity you sought years ago but for which you were not ready. We believe you're ready now, ready for a chance to leave your timeline and join the greatest universe of all. I am about to give you the thing you've always wanted.

DEADPOOL: I smell what you're stepping in. The power of the Marvel universe is about to change forever. I am a Messiah. I… am… Marvel Jesus. Excuse me.

Deadpool gestures off screen. He runs over to another camera, grabbing it and pulling it up to his face.

DEADPOOL: Suck it, Fox! I'm going to Disneyland.

He headbutts the camera. The lens cracks.

DEADPOOL: Get fucked!

He runs back over to Paradox.

DEADPOOL: Where do I sign?

PARADOX: Oh, it's no need for paperwork.

DEADPOOL: Good. Not to brag, but I do not read.

PARADOX: Oh.

DEADPOOL: There is one thing I will need, though…

Cut to another part of the building. Deadpool opens a closet in a tailor's room. The tailor stands behind him.

DEADPOOL: Oh, fuck off. Adorn me, Beardo.

The tailor nods and strokes his beard. A series of rapid cuts show a montage of Deadpool being suited up by the tailor, including touching him inappropriately. Cut to Deadpool re-entering the control room in his superhero suit as "Glamorous" by Fergie plays.

DEADPOOL: Fucking A. Uh, it's perfect! FYI, your tailor is a predator, but I love it. Snug, no camel toe, new car smell, and adamantium katanas, you shouldn't have.

A TVA employee's jaw drops as Deadpool makes his way to the control panel where Paradox is.

DEADPOOL: Go ahead. Take it in. And yes, your underwear is getting tighter. That guy knows what I'm talking about.

Deadpool points towards the slack-jawed employee.

DEADPOOL: His clothes say middle management, but his eyes say fucky fucky.

PARADOX: Yes, you look very nice.

DEADPOOL: Nice? Your buddy here is ready to throw it all away for me.

The employee picks up a phone.

DEADPOOL: You calling your wife?

EMPLOYEE: HR.

DEADPOOL: Does your wife work in HR?

PARADOX: I'm really glad you're taking this so well.

DEADPOOL: Oh, I'm taking it well. I have never had a problem traveling for work. That said, we should talk vacation days. I'm more of a one-week-on, one-week-off kind of guy. I think it's what they do in Denmark. You'll never see a Danish flag on the moon, but, goddamn it, they're happy. Now, let's power up your little Amazon Fire Phone there and zip me back home so I can let my friends know that they've been upgraded to disciples.

PARADOX: Yeah. I don't think you quite understand, um... You will not be returning to your home because there will be no home to return to.

DEADPOOL: Come again, this time in my ears?

Paradox pulls up a timeline display on the TV wall.

PARADOX: This is your universe, Mr. Wilson. That is what happens when a universe loses their Anchor Being. See how it decays from the inside? This is how a reality dies.

DEADPOOL: What's an Anchor Being?

PARADOX: An Anchor Being is an entity of such vital importance that when they die, their whole world slowly withers out of existence.

DEADPOOL: You've just won the lottery because I didn't die. It's just a little midlife crisis, I'm better now.

Paradox begins laughing. Deadpool laughs with him.

PARADOX: Oh, my God!

DEADPOOL: Oh, I love to laugh.

PARADOX: Can you imagine if you were the Anchor Being?

Paradox sits down.

DEADPOOL: Yeah.

PARADOX: No, it isn't you, Mr. Wilson. Your Anchor Being died in an act of self-sacrifice so epic that it sent shivers down the timeline. I am referring, of course, to Logan, the Wolverine.

Paradox puts the final scene from Logan (2017) on the TV wall.

LOGAN: Don't be what they made you.

Everyone in the room watches sadly as Logan dies. Paradox mouths along with the dialogue.

LOGAN: Oh, so this is what it feels like.

DEADPOOL: Logan. Of course. Logan? The guy with forks for hands? That Wolverine? Yeah, I got it. You can turn your retro graphics of death off now. Make it stop.

PARADOX: We're not doing it, Mr. Wilson. We certainly can't stop it.

DEADPOOL: How long have we got?

PARADOX: In most cases, a couple thousand years.

DEADPOOL: Well, sweet.

PARADOX: Most cases aren't fast enough, not for me.

DEADPOOL: What does that mean?

Paradox stands back up.

PARADOX: It means that I have been tasked with overseeing the end of your universe and regardless of what the pencil pushers upstairs would prefer, I will not waste my life watching it die slowly of natural causes. We used to just prune these things, simple, elegant, efficient, but I'm told the TVA doesn't like to do that anymore. Well, I do. And no matter what my so-called superiors say, the multiverse does not need a babysitter. We need a mercy killer. And in this instance, I am the mercy killer. Ha!

He puts a video feed from the TVA train station on the TV wall.

DEADPOOL: What in the MacGuffin is that?

PARADOX: That's a Time-Ripper, Mr. Wilson. An accelerant. Once completed, it will allow me to destroy the space-time matrix of your universe. You see, I don't want to work for the TVA. I want to be the TVA. And the first step involves showing this organization how much more efficient it can become to it. I will be giving your universe a swift and compassionate end. And don't worry, your friends won't feel a thing. It'll be over just like this. "Oh, what's that? Ack." Trust me.

Deadpool takes his mask off. Several TVA agents approach him from behind.

You're gonna Old Yeller my fucking universe?

PARADOX: In your parlance, yes. Two in the heart, one in the head. Look, Mr. Wilson, you have two choices. You can either rejoin your loved ones and collectively cease to exist in, let's say, 72 hours, or you join the Sacred Timeline, and you end your days of insignificance and mediocrity. Wade, Wade, you can finally, finally matter.

Deadpool watches as the team-up scene from The Avengers (2012) plays on the TV wall.

DEADPOOL: That's all I've ever really wanted.

PARADOX: I know. I know.

DEADPOOL: And you know, I'm nothing if not morally flexible. Yep, yep. I'll do it.

He puts his mask back on.

PARADOX: Wise choice. Sacred timeline's happy to have you.

DEADPOOL: I was talking about finding the Wolverine and breaking your fucking nose.

He slaps the remote out of Paradox's hand and headbutts him in the face. He leaps off to the side and catches the remote before it hits the ground. Time slows and "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls plays as Deadpool falls butt-first onto the employee who had watched him earlier, who smiles widely. Deadpool uses the remote to teleport away before he lands. Paradox wipes blood from his face.

PARADOX: Find him. Find him!

CUT TO: EXT. FOREST

Cut to a sped-up re-play of the opening scene. Deadpool digs up Logan's corpse and uses it to fight the TVA.

DEADPOOL: (Voiceover) And boy, did he ever. Which brings us back to this. The desecration of the sacred corpse.

Deadpool resumes the fight in real-time, killing several TVA agents with Wolverine's claws. He accidentally stabs himself.

DEADPOOL: Ow, my own fucking arm.

He continues fighting and stabs an agent through the groin, lifting him up and face-planting him to the ground, getting the claws stuck again.

DEADPOOL: Now we're talking.

AGENT 1: Not like this! Oh, dear God, no!

Another agent arrives and Deadpool gets the other set of claws stuck in his groin.

DEADPOOL: I'm sorry, Wolverine-ing is hard!

AGENT 2: Make it stop!

DEADPOOL: Mangold tried!

Deadpool tries to get the claws out of both agents but just injures them further. The TVA officer approaches.

TVA OFFICER: You sick fuck! Logan was a hero and the only thing worth of shit to ever come out of Canada.

Deadpool finally pulls his hands away, leaving both sets of claws lodged in the TVA agents. He pulls out his sword and bounces it on the ground, sending it through the officer's face.

DEADPOOL: Get my country's name out of your fucking mouth. And my sword. Gimme that.

He takes his sword back and pulls out the TVA remote. The camera pulls back to a wide shot of the area with dozens of TVA corpses.

DEADPOOL: Oh, I gotta find me another Logan. An alive one. Don't get up, guys. I'll see myself out.

"The Power of Love" by Huey Lewis and the News begins playing.

CUT TO: INT. BAR

An axe goes through a target. Deadpool steps out of a TVA portal and catches another axe as it is about to hit him. He sees Wolverine at the bar.

DEADPOOL: Logan! I'm gonna need you to come with me.

WOLVERINE: Who's asking?

Wolverine hops down from the bar to reveal he is short.

DEADPOOL: Well, look at this little hairy Lou Retton. Did you stick the landing move, guy? Yes, you did, comic-accurate short king. Such a cute wittle Wolvie. Cue the fucking montage, baby.

A montage begins of Deadpool approaching Wolverines from various timelines. Deadpool arrives in a ruined city and approaches a leather-clad Wolverine.

DEADPOOL: Ahoy! Everything seems to be on fire. You have a dragon? Ooh, you have Anchor Being written all o—

Wolverine begins attacking him. Cut to a fancy party. Deadpool approaches an eye-patched Wolverine in a suit playing poker.

DEADPOOL: Patch.

Cut to an abandoned warehouse. Deadpool sees a Wolverine working on a motorcycle.

DEADPOOL: Now we're talking. Oh, yeah. That's the whole goddamn package right there.

Cut to a run-down cabin in the woods. Deadpool approaches the porch.

DEADPOOL: Howdy!

DEADPOOL: I'm just, I'm auditioning Anchor Beings.

This Wolverine looks up to reveal his aged face.

DEADPOOL: Oh, that's gonna need some coconut oil.

Deadpool is blasted backwards by a shotgun. Cut to him entering a world covered entirely in bloody skulls. He looks up to see a Wolverine in the distance crucified on a large X.

DEADPOOL: What in the fuck. Are you okay?

Cut to a Wolverine in a forest.

DEADPOOL: Oh, yes, yes. Classic John Byrne brown and tan. Now, you fought the Hulk in this outfit, no?

This Wolverine unsheathes his claws to reveal a reflection of The Hulk, who roars. Deadpool turns around to see Hulk immediately behind him.

DEADPOOL: I'm Marvel Jesus, you dull creature, and I will not—

The Hulk sends him flying into a tree. Cut to the eye-patched Wolverine who skewers Deadpool through the head. Cut to the leather-clad Wolverine who beats Deadpool on the ground. Cut to the crucified Wolverine who weakly groans.

DEADPOOL: It's not you. We're just going in a different direction.

Quick cuts between Deadpool teleporting away from the skull timeline, the poker timeline, and the Hulk timeline. Cut back to the motorcycle Wolverine.

DEADPOOL: You know, from behind, you look a little bit like Henry—

This Wolverine turns around to reveal he is played by Henry Cavill instead of Hugh Jackman.

DEADPOOL: Oh, my fuck. The Cavill-rine. The legends are true. And may I say, sir, on behalf of all humanity, this just feels right. We will treat you so much better than those shit fucks down the street.

CAVILL-RINE: You were just leaving.

DEADPOOL: No, sir, not while the fate of my universe is at—

Cavill-rine sends Deadpool flying back through the TVA portal. He ends up in a new bar, tumbling over a pool table. A patron attacks him, but he chokes him out. He spots a Wolverine at the bar.

DEADPOOL: This one looks promising. Down you go.

He lets the patron drop to the ground. At the bar, Wolverine finishes a shot glass.

WOLVERINE: Again.

BARTENDER: I told you, you're not welcome here. You're not welcome anywhere. Now get the fuck out of my bar.

WOLVERINE: Just give me one more drink and then I'll leave.

BARTENDER: That's not how it works.

DEADPOOL: It does now. Leave the bottle.

WOLVERINE: I know you, bub?

DEADPOOL: Nope. But I know you.

WOLVERINE: Everybody knows me. I'm the Wolverine.

DEADPOOL: Yes, you are, and I'm gonna need you to come with me right now.

WOLVERINE: Look, lady, I'm not interested.

DEADPOOL: Really getting into your cups here.

WOLVERINE: Why would I go with you?

DEADPOOL: Because, unfortunately, I need you. And even more unfortunately, my entire world needs you.

BARTENDER: You two gonna fuck or fight?

DEADPOOL: You gonna take that from him?

WOLVERINE: Yup.

DEADPOOL: I can tell you that sort of, "don't get too close, I'll only break your heart vibe going here," but every other Wolverine would have really hurt me by now. And I'm sort of on the tick-tick, so… upsy-daisy, here we go.

Deadpool lifts Wolverine from the bar, who weakly attempts to resist. He tries to unsheath his claws but they barely poke out.

DEADPOOL: Oh. Whiskey dick with the claws. It's quite common in Wolverines over forty.

WOLVERINE: You don't want this.

DEADPOOL: You're right. I don't. And you don't want this.

Deadpool pulls out a gun and aims it at Wolverine's face.

DEADPOOL: Unless you want to take a deep breath through your fucking forehead, I suggest you reconsider. Let's go, Peanut.

Wolverine smiles and laughs, pressing his forehead up against the gun.

WOLVERINE: Hold on, hold on, hold on. Watch this.

Wolverine grabs a bottle from the bar. He grabs the gun.

WOLVERINE: All right. That's a little… Whoa. Easy.

He takes a long drink from the bottle.

DEADPOOL: Good God. Thirsty little honey badger, aren't you? It's okay, keep going. Audiences are accustomed to long run times.

Wolverine finishes chugging and falls to the ground, unconscious.

DEADPOOL: Guess you'll have to do.

Deadpool begins lifting Wolverine off the ground.

DEADPOOL: Okay, here we go. Ooh. Look at those jammies. That only took 20 fucking years.

CUT TO: INT. TVA CONTROL ROOM

A portal opens in the TVA control room. Paradox looks behind him as he hears Deadpool's voice.

DEADPOOL: One Anchor Being coming right up. On your left, baby girl.

Deadpool comes through the TVA portal supporting Wolverine.

DEADPOOL: This Logan has the same he-can-do-anything-even-musicals look.

He lets Wolverine fall to the ground and keeps walking.

DEADPOOL: And bonus, he's actually wearing a costume like he's not embarrassed to be in a superhero movie for once.

PARADOX: I don't understand.

DEADPOOL: You said my universe is dying, because this sack of nuts got himself killed. Well, problem solved.

PARADOX: My God. You actually think you can replace an Anchor Being with this? I wouldn't have accepted any other Wolverine, B-T-dubs, but you have outdone yourself and brought me the worst Wolverine.

DEADPOOL: What do you mean the worst one?

PARADOX: Mr. Wilson, this Wolverine let down his entire world.

Wolverine lays wordlessly on the ground without making a move to arise.

PARADOX: He's the stuff of legend, but not in a good way. And what he did… well, some things are just beyond forgiveness.

DEADPOOL: Okay. How do I make this right? I can, I'll do anything.

PARADOX: I gave you a chance at greatness, because my superiors deemed you special. Clearly not special in a good way, but apparently you have some important future purpose to serve.

DEADPOOL: With Thor, he holds me.

PARADOX: But I did my duty. I gave you the opportunity to be somebody, and instead of accepting my offering with humility and gratitude, you broke my nose.

DEADPOOL: It looks great.

PARADOX: You decimated dozens of my men with the exhumed corpse of a hero, dishonoring not only his remains, but his memory.

DEADPOOL: What are you, the Internet?

PARADOX: Your world is dying!

Another TVA employee hands Paradox a sandwich.

PARADOX: Thank you very much. And there's no stopping it. The humane thing to do is to make it quick.

DEADPOOL: Is the thought of vaporizing my universe making you peckish?

PARADOX: I'm eating my feelings.

As Deadpool speaks, Wolverine gets up behind him.

DEADPOOL: I'm about to lose everything that I've ever cared about, because that hairy thunder cunt from down under cunt finally dies, and he's standing right behind me, isn't he?

Deadpool turns around.

DEADPOOL: Welcome to the MCU, by the way. You're joining at a bit of a low point.

He turns back to Paradox.

DEADPOOL: As for you, I want to talk to your boss. I want you to get him on the phone, and you tell him, her, or them, that Marvel H. Christ isn't playing.

Paradox and all of the TVA employees in the room look silently uncomfortable.

DEADPOOL: Holy shit. I just heard a symphony of buttholes clenching all at once. You're off-grid. Your bosses don't know what you sick fucks are doing down here.

Deadpool pulls out his stolen TVA remote.

DEADPOOL: Well, I'll tell you what. I have a black belt in Karen, and I'm going to go upstairs, and I'm going to tell them all about you and—

Deadpool suddenly appears to disintegrate. Cut to a medium shot which reveals that Paradox has hit him with one of the TVA's weapons. The remote Deadpool had been holding clatters to the ground.

PARADOX: Oh, silence is nice, isn't it?

WOLVERINE: Where the fuck did he go?

PARADOX: To the trash heap. You'll fit right in.

Wolverine growls and charges Paradox, but he gets hit and teleported too.

PARADOX: Whew! That was close.

CUT TO: EXT. VOID

Cut to an upward-facing shot of the sky. Wolverine slowly walks into frame. Wolverine lays on the ground.

DEADPOOL: Don't just stand there, you ape. Give me a hand up.

Wolverine unsheathes his claws.

DEADPOOL: No, I'm actually okay, thank you very much.

Wolverine stabs Deadpool in the chest and lifts him into the air. Cut to a wide shot showing the ruined wasteland around them.

WOLVERINE: Where the hell are we?

DEADPOOL: I don't know. It looks kind of Mad Max-y. But that would be IP infringement, right?

WOLVERINE: Fucking jokes.

He stabs Deadpool through the groin and brings him down hard over his knee before letting him roll onto the ground.

DEADPOOL: Fuck! Are you even listening back there? We don't make it back to that Mr. Paradox asshole, everyone I know is going to die.

WOLVERINE: Not my fucking problem.

DEADPOOL: Oh, is that all you got? Is that what you said when your world went to shit?

WOLVERINE: Come again?

DEADPOOL: Yeah, I heard all about you. You screwed up everything, and you should be thanking me for pulling you out of that bed you shit in.

Wolverine stabs Deadpool from behind.

DEADPOOL: Oh, you backstabbing son of a bitch!

Wolverine lifts him up in the air. He flips over and pulls Wolverine to the ground, shooting him several times in the gut.

DEADPOOL: Are you ready to be calm now?

Wolverine headbutts him and flings him through a wall. He crashes into a half-buried Fox logo.

DEADPOOL: Rest in pieces, Fox.

"Hells Bells" by AC/DC begins playing. Wolverine walks into a clearing. Deadpool stands up and faces him. Bullets fall to the ground as Wolverine's healing factor pushes them out. The camera pans around from high up.

DEADPOOL: I don't want to fight you, Peanut. Doesn't matter what you did. I just need your help.

WOLVERINE: I don't fucking care.

He spits out a bullet.

DEADPOOL: Uh… Uh oh.

Wolverine prepares to charge and unsheathes his claws.

DEADPOOL: Fuck, this is gonna hurt.

He sees some ammo for his guns lying nearby.

DEADPOOL: Alright, fuck it. Let's give the people what they came for.

WOLVERINE: Let's fucking go.

DEADPOOL: Get your special sock out, nerds. It's gon' get good.

Deadpool flips the ammo into the air and loads his gun. He begins firing at Wolverine. Wolverine charges and cuts the guns in half. Deadpool pulls out his swords. They exchange blows. Eventually Deadpool gets one of his swords stuck in Wolverine.

DEADPOOL: Haha, ew!

After a few more blows, he gets his other sword stuck as well.

DEADPOOL: Gotcha!

They continue to fight. Deadpool pulls out a knife.

DEADPOOL: Baby knife!

After a few moments, Wolverine knocks Deadpool to the ground and holds him in place with his claws.

WOLVERINE: Let's see you grow your fucking head back!

Wolverine prepares to decapitate him.

DEADPOOL: Wait, wait, wait, I can fix it! I can fix it!

WOLVERINE: Fix what?

DEADPOOL: Whatever it is that you did. Whatever made you so bad. Those pricks in the TVA, you heard 'em. They have the power to end my universe. But they also have the power to change yours. We get back there. And we can fix your world. Together. I promise. They can fix it.

They both look as another voice calls from out of frame.

JOHNNY: Hey! We fight each other, we lose.

Cut to a reverse shot of a figure standing atop a tall structure nearby, looking down on the duo.

DEADPOOL: Dear God, it's him.

WOLVERINE: Who?

DEADPOOL: The one. The superhero equivalent to comfort food or molly. White guy's answer to all the disappointments in another A-lister. Fair warning, gorgeous. You're going to encounter some indelicate language. A smidge of ass play, but we've been prohibited from using cocaine on camera.

The figure lifts an arm and points off in the distance.

JOHNNY: They're coming.

DEADPOOL: Who's they?

Cut to a convoy of diverse vehicles rapidly approaching.

DEADPOOL: Oh, they're driving angry.

Johnny leaps down.

DEADPOOL: Now that's a superhero landing.

Johnny walks forward and pulls his hood down, revealing his face to the camera.

JOHNNY: I got this.

The convoy surrounds the trio. Wolverine sniffs. He spots Sabretooth on one of the vehicles and the pair make eye contact.

JOHNNY: Stay close.

DEADPOOL: Aye aye, Cap'n.

Deadpool embraces Johnny from behind.

JOHNNY: You got this.

One of the convoy members pulls his mask off.

PYRO: Cassandra is going to be giddy when she sees what we caught. You can't run. Everybody knows that.

JOHNNY: You see anyone running, dick for brains?

Deadpool cocks his head to the side.

JOHNNY: You're not gonna love what happens next.

DEADPOOL: Oh, oh my God. Oh my God, he's going to say it. Ha! Oh my God, he's gonna say it!

WOLVERINE: Say what?

DEADPOOL: Avengers A—

JOHNNY: Flame on!

DEADPOOL: Sorry, what now?

Johnny becomes engulfed in flame and flies into the air. He attempts to throw a fireball at Pyro, but he effortlessly blocks it. Pyro pulls the fire off of Johnny. Johnny falls through the air and lands crotch-first onto a metal bar.

JOHNNY: Fuck!

He drops to the ground, face-planting.

WOLVERINE: We don't know that guy.

DEADPOOL: We thought we did.

Sabretooth points at Wolverine.

SABRETOOTH: I know you.

DEADPOOL: Holy sh—

Sabretooth growls and leaps down from his vehicle.

DEADPOOL: Sabretooth. Your brother.

SABRETOOTH: Ready to die?

Sabretooth and Wolverine both extend their claws.

DEADPOOL: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Time! You look ridiculous.

Deadpool pulls his swords and knife out of Wolverine.

DEADPOOL: People have waited decades for this fight. It's not gonna be easy. Baby knife.
Shoot the double and take him down. Side control, then full mount and you ground and pound, 'til he makes no sound because he's dead.

WOLVERINE: Shut the fuck up.

DEADPOOL: Oh my God. Okay, good luck. I'm a huge fan.

Wolverine and Sabretooth both growl and charge each other, slashing out as they pass. Sabretooth comes to a stop in front of Deadpool.

DEADPOOL: What is it, girl? Is there trouble at the well?

Wolverine smirks. Sabretooth's head falls off and his corpse collapses to the ground.

DEADPOOL: Big trouble.

Deadpool picks up Sabretooth's head.

DEADPOOL: Behold! The head of your precious queen, Furiosa! I have the Wolverine. I alone control her. You come for me, you come for her. So sorry. I know it's pronounced him. I'm gender blind. It's my cross to bear.

WOLVERINE: Who's next?

PYRO: Toad! You're up.

Toad shoots his tongue out and pulls a lever on one of the vehicles. A large magnet extends outward and pulls Wolverine into it, trapping Deadpool underneath him. A large metal leg in some rubble nearby jostles and gets pulled towards them.

DEADPOOL: Uh-oh. Holy shi—

WOLVERINE: Oh fu—

The leg hits them. Cut to black. Cut to another part of the Void. Several Narvas skitter over a hill as the camera pans up to show the convoy passing through a collection of pyramids. In the far background, a large object falls from the sky as it arrives in the Void. Cut to a close shot of Deadpool as he wakes up.

DEADPOOL: (Groggily) God of thunder.

He grunts and shakes his head.

DEADPOOL: How long was I asleep?

WOLVERINE: Not all of you was asleep.

Cut to a medium shot, showing Deadpool and Wolverine tied up together while Johnny watches from nearby. Deadpool attempts to shake off their ropes.

JOHNNY: Don't bother. We're very thorough.

WOLVERINE: If you know where we are, start talking.

JOHNNY: You're in the Void. Think of it as purgatory. Reed called it a metaphysical junkyard where anything useless goes before it gets annihilated forever, and where the TVA sends people that don't play nice with the rest of the multiverse.

WOLVERINE: Like you?

JOHNNY: And you.

DEADPOOL: What does the annihilating?

JOHNNY: Alioth.

DEADPOOL: Alioth is in this thing? From Loki season 1 episode 5?

JOHNNY: Everyone here is on the run from Alioth. Most don't make it. There's a resistance though. Other people like us that manage to survive. They're hiding out in the border lands, trying to find a way the fuck outta here.

WOLVERINE: Then that's where we go.

DEADPOOL: We? Us? A team? The answer is yes. Shake on it.

Wolverine unsheathes his claws.

DEADPOOL: Fuck! You nicked it. Just got the tip with your little steak knife.

WOLVERINE: These others can help us get back to the TVA. They can fix things.

Johnny laughs.

WOLVERINE: Something funny, bub?

JOHNNY: She might have something to say about that.

WOLVERINE: Who's she?

JOHNNY: In The Void, you're either food for Alioth, or you work for her.

Cut between several shots of the caravan traveling through the Void.

CUT TO: EXT. CASSANDRA'S BASE

Cut to an establishing shot of Cassandra's base as the convoy arrives. The base is built in the corpse of a giant Ant-Man. A man pulls a lever which spreads Ant-Man's hands open for the convoy to drive through. Several members of Cassandra's group watch as Deadpool, Wolverine, and Johnny are brought out. The dead Ant-Man's helmet is opened to reveal his giant skull.

DEADPOOL: Huh. Paul Rudd finally aged.

Juggernaut lifts Deadpool and Wolverine off the ground.

DEADPOOL: Oh, you must be this year's Juggernaut. Thank you.

JUGGERNAUT: I'd keep your voices down. She don't like the chatter.

WOLVERINE: She's gonna love you.

Cut to a reverse shot of Cassandra exiting from Ant-Man's corpse.

DEADPOOL: Is it… Is that Charles? Hey, hey, Chuck, it's us!

WOLVERINE: That's not Chuck.

JOHNNY: Ah, shit.

Cassandra stands up from a wheelchair and walks down some stairs.

DEADPOOL: Oh, ableism. Great. That's not gonna go over well with the woke mob.

CASSANDRA: A Wolverine. I wondered when I'd get one of you. You're one of Xavier's.

DEADPOOL: You know him, you know Chuck?

CASSANDRA: Oh, I knew him. We shared a womb. Tried to strangle the sly little fellow with my umbilical cord.

DEADPOOL: Amen. I've never loved roommates. Mine's blind, except she could see cocaine for some reason. You wanna chime in, your majesty? I'm dying here.

WOLVERINE: Who are you?

Charles Xavier's twin, Cassandra Nova.

WOLVERINE: Bullshit.

DEADPOOL: I was an anal birth.

CASSANDRA: You two are cute. I have a good feeling about this.

She snaps her fingers. Their restraints fall to the ground.

CASSANDRA: And I've been trying to catch this little firefly for years, haven't I, Johnny? Aw. You picked the wrong time to make new friends.

DEADPOOL: Oh, Johnny told us all about you.

WOLVERINE: Maybe shut up now.

DEADPOOL: Yeah, maybe don't—

DEADPOOL: We're just talking here. Yeah, Johnny told us you're a psychotic, megalomaniacal asshole. His words, not mine. Hell bent on domination and pain.

CASSANDRA: You said all that about me.

JOHNNY: No, no! How do y— I didn't say anything!

DEADPOOL: Sticks and stones, Johnny! Don't let her intimidate you. Like you said in the convoy. This finger-licking, dead inside, pixie slab of third-rate dime store nut milk can eat your delicious cinnamon ring and kick rocks all the way to bald hell.

JOHNNY: Okay, I have never said any of those words in my entire life!

DEADPOOL Ha! The modesty! People think I'm a shit-talker, but this guy, next level.

JOHNNY: What? This, I, we, I don't even know what half of that means! This i—

DEADPOOL: My hat's off to you, sir, truly.

JOHNNY: What? This, I didn't, he's, that's, I, I, I don't—

Cassandra telekinetically pulls all of the skin off of Johnny's body. Deadpool gasps. Johnny's remains crumble to the ground.

DEADPOOL: Not my favorite, Chris.

WOLVERINE: You stupid piece of shit, you just got him fucking killed!

Hey, we're all grieving! P.S., do you know what he was doing to the budget?

Cassandra shushes them and walks past them.

CASSANDRA: Alioth is hungry.

Dark clouds and purple lightning gather in the distance.

DEADPOOL: There's been some kind of mistake. Big Yellow is a backup Anchor Being, and I'm Marvel Jesus, MJ if you're nasty. This may be hard to hear, but there's another British villain. He's gonna destroy my universe, and I'm gonna stop him.

CASSANDRA: Oh, honey, you don't really strike me as a world-saving type.

Deadpool doesn't respond.

CASSANDRA: Did I hit a nerve?

DEADPOOL: I didn't want it to come to this. Either you help us, or my friend here is gonna sing the entire second act of Music Man with zero warm-up.

Cassandra begins walking back into the base. Cut to a shot of Charles's wheelchair.

WOLVERINE: Where'd you get the chair?

CASSANDRA: Once in a while, I do get a Charles through here. Never mine, though, no. He didn't care to find me.

DEADPOOL: Ugh. Gen-Z and they're trauma-bragging! Can't you just stuff it down, turn it into accomplishment or cancer like the rest of us?

CASSANDRA: But I'm not like the rest of you. Except maybe the Wolverine. Now we could be truly terrifying together.

WOLVERINE: You're that scary, huh?

CASSANDRA: The TVA certainly thought so. They sent me here before I could walk. And you know, it's the best thing that ever happened to me. I love it here.

DEADPOOL: You live in a garbage dump.

CASSANDRA: I think we both know who lives in the garbage dump. The Void is a paradise. I can wield my power here without shame. Unfortunately, I had no Charles Xavier to teach me temperance. What about your Charles? Did he protect you? Did he make you feel safe?

WOLVERINE: We're mutants, we're never safe.

He charges her. She points and he's shoved into the ground. She flings him through the dirt out of frame before turning back to Deadpool.

DEADPOOL: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't, I don't want the smoke. I don't have any beef with you. I just want to save my friends. I just, I wanna go home.

CASSANDRA: Well, the thing is, I could get you home.

DEADPOOL: Good.

CASSANDRA: But I don't want to.

She suddenly appears behind him and melds her hand into his head. Her fingers poke out through the front of his face.

DEADPOOL: Not good.

CASSANDRA: What do you want, Wade Wilson?

DEADPOOL: Uh, your fingers are inside me, but not in a good way.

CASSANDRA: My brother could enter one's mind with a thought. I have to get my hands dirty.

DEADPOOL: Oh, gosh.

CASSANDRA: I've got you. (Voiceover) I've got you.

Cut through several visions of Deadpool's past. He sits at his job. He stands with Vanessa. He sees Vanessa's corpse. He uses Cable's time travel device. He sees his cancer X-rays. He screams in Francis's facility. He and Vanessa talk in their home.

VANESSA: I can't reach you. You're not here.

DEADPOOL: I'm right here.

VANESSA: No, you're not, I can't—

DEADPOOL: I'm right here.

VANESSA: Then show me. You gotta do something.

DEADPOOL: Show you what?

VANESSA: Show me you care about something bigger than you.

Cut to Deadpool looking at his suit on a hanger.

VANESSA: (Voiceover) Ever since they turned you down, you took a knee.

Cut back to Vanessa.

VANESSA: Baby, you never got back up. I know you're going through something. Let me go through it with you. You're crazy matches my crazy.

As she says the last line, Deadpool says it in unison from the first movie.

VANESSA: Where'd you go?

DEADPOOL: Oh my God.

As he talks, several scenes of the pair together flash by.

DEADPOOL: You just say it, okay? Say, "I don't want you, I don't want to be with you." Go ahead, say it, say it. You don't want to be with me. Tell me that and I'll walk away. Say, "I don't want you."

Neither of them speaks for a moment.

DEADPOOL: Fuck.

VANESSA: You'll never fucking matter.

DEADPOOL: What?

As he looks at her, Cassandra briefly flashes into the shot.

VANESSA / CASSANDRA: You'll never fucking matter.

Cut through several shots of Deadpool and Vanessa together.

VANESSA / CASSANDRA: You'll never fucking matter.

Cut back to Cassandra's base.

DEADPOOL: She never said that.

She removes her hand from his head.

CASSANDRA: No, but I bet she thought it.

DEADPOOL: You are so mean. My brain could taste your fingers and they tasted like hate. And where in God's name is the intimacy coordinator?

CASSANDRA: You're so lost, Mr. Wilson. Long before you came here.

He pulls out a knife.

DEADPOOL: This is Baby Knife, she's gonna fuck you in the face now.

CASSANDRA: If you want to kill me, it's going to take more than a little blade.

DEADPOOL: How about 6?

Wolverine's claws suddenly burst through her chest. He lifts her into the air.

DEADPOOL: Hahaha, my boy's wicked strong.

He throws his knife into her chest.

DEADPOOL: That's my big boy, yes you are.

After a moment, Cassandra laughs. She taps her chest, sending Wolverine flying backwards and Deadpool's knife back into his hand.

CASSANDRA: Well, this has been fun, but the big guy needs to eat and the rent is due.

The camera pans around to show Alioth approaching the base.

CASSANDRA: By the way, you're the rent.

Cassandra walks away. Alioth begins to engulf the base in its body. It hits several henchmen with pillars of smoke as Wolverine runs through the clearing to the metal leg from earlier. He breaks a panel on it.

WOLVERINE: Come on, fuck!

He kicks it several times. It sparks up and begins to launch.

WOLVERINE: You coming or what?

DEADPOOL: Coming!

Deadpool hops on the leg. It blasts off just in time to avoid Alioth. Cassandra watches them escape.

CUT TO: EXT. CLIFFSIDE

Cut to a wide shot showing the leg shoot through the air towards a cliff. There's a distant scream as it crashed. Cut to Deadpool and Wolverine as they roll on the ground after crashing. Deadpool ends up on top of Wolverine as they come to a stop.

DEADPOOL: Whatcha thinkin' 'bout?

WOLVERINE: Get the fuck off of me.

DEADPOOL: Sh, sh. Almost done.

WOLVERINE: Almost done what?

DEADPOOL: Getting my knife out of your buttocks.

He pulls the knife out. Wolverine cries out.

WOLVERINE: Ah, fuck!

DEADPOOL: Pervert. Get your mind out of my pants. I'm telling Blake.

WOLVERINE: New rules. I talk now.

DEADPOOL: That's gonna be very hard on the audience.

WOLVERINE: Shut the fuck up! Let me fucking think. Now, we gotta get back to Paradox, right? Right?

DEADPOOL: Je m'excuse, am I allowed to speak now or—

WOLVERINE: Just nod, asshole.

Deadpool nods.

WOLVERINE: Right. Then we find the others that poor kid Johnny was talking about before you got him killed.

DEADPOOL: Poor kid, he's like 50.

WOLVERINE: If there's a chance they know how to get out of here, we find them and make those TVA fuckers fix my shit like you fucking promised.

DEADPOOL: I smell Quest.

WOLVERINE: I smell food.

The camera pans to some train tracks which lead to a building in the distance. Cut inside to reveal it's a diner. Wolverine searches around while Deadpool sits in a booth.

DEADPOOL: So what made you finally wear an honest-to-God costume? Mine's red, so they can't see me bleed. But I can see how yellow would be useful too.

WOLVERINE: Have you been checked for ADHD?

DEADPOOL: Mm-mm. But I've had several STDs, which were probably caused by ADHD.

Wolverine slams a cabinet shut.

DEADPOOL: What are you looking for?

WOLVERINE: Oh, thank fuck.

He pulls a bottle of rubbing alcohol out of a first aid kit.

DEADPOOL: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's rubbing alcohol. You don't wanna drink—

Wolverine takes a swig.

DEADPOOL: Oh, yeah, there you go. Fuck that liver. Good. Okay.

Wolverine sits down across from him.

WOLVERINE: What the fuck are those?

He gestures towards Deadpool's head.

DEADPOOL: Oh. Back in civilian life, I wear a toupee, but nobody knows.

Wolverine.

WOLVERINE: Everybody knows.

DEADPOOL: Wanna talk about what's haunting you or should we wait for a third act flashback?

WOLVERINE: Ah, go fuck yourself.

Wolverine gets up and sits at the bar.

DEADPOOL: You know, in my world, you're well regarded.

WOLVERINE: Yeah, well, not in mine.

DEADPOOL: They don't like me much in mine either.

WOLVERINE: You don't say.

DEADPOOL: I wanted to be something, you know, I've, shit, I wanted to be an Avenger.

WOLVERINE: Fuck the Avengers.

DEADPOOL: Yeah. I didn't make the cut though, same with the X-Men. When my girlfriend left me—

WOLVERINE: You had a girlfriend?

DEADPOOL: Yeah. Vanessa, when we met, she was a dancer. We had a whole life. It was good. But oh boy, I just, fucked that right up. But you, you were an X-Man. Fuck that, you were the X-Man. The Wolverine. He was a hero in my world.

WOLVERINE: Yeah, well, he ain't shit in mine.

CUT TO: EXT. VOID

Deadpool and Wolverine continue their conversation as they walk through the Void.

WOLVERINE: You said Logan was a hero, what happened?

DEADPOOL: He died.

WOLVERINE: How?

DEADPOOL: Well, technically you were chest fucked by a tree, but really, you just ran out of batteries trying to save someone.

WOLVERINE: Who?

DEADPOOL: The shit heels that grew her in a lab called her X-23, but she was just a kid. A younger, daintier, somehow meaner version of you. He died trying to save her. It was beautiful. Look, mijo, I know you're hurting. My blind, elderly, African-American roommate Blind Al always says that pain teaches us who we are. Sometimes we need to listen to that pain instead of running from it.

WOLVERINE: Holy shit.

DEADPOOL: Yeah, she's wise.

WOLVERINE: No, no, that's her name? You call her Blind Al?

DEADPOOL: Well, she's blind.

A dog barks nearby. Both of them turn. "The Lady in Red" by Chris de Burgh plays as the shot cuts to a small dog in a Deadpool costume running in slow motion. Deadpool takes his mask off. He breaks out into a smile and catches the dog as it leaps into his arms.

DEADPOOL: Look at you! She's coming with us.

WOLVERINE: No, she's not.

DEADPOOL: Oh, yes, she is.

WOLVERINE: Fuck, no.

DEADPOOL: Oh, yes.

The music abruptly stops as Nicepool's voice is heard out of frame.

NICEPOOL: Sorry!

Cut to Nicepool running towards the duo.

NICEPOOL: Sorry about that. Come here, girl.

DEADPOOL: Who are you?

NICEPOOL: Oh, I'm Deadpool. And I guess you're Deadpool too. But in here everybody calls me Nicepool. Oh my goodness, wait till you see Ladypool. She is gorgeous. She just had a baby too, and—

He gestures towards his midriff.

NICEPOOL: —can't even tell.

DEADPOOL: I don't think you're supposed to say that.

NICEPOOL: That's okay. I identify as a feminist.

DEADPOOL: Right. Are those gold-plated, 50 caliber Desert Eagle pistoleros?

NICEPOOL: Course. To match my ear huggy.

DEADPOOL: Can I have her?

NICEPOOL: Over my dead body. You're fun. And I guess you've already met Mary Puppins, AKA Dogpool. Careful where you put your hand, she's 90% G-spot, and she'll let you know it. You let this little flirt out of your sight for one second and she starts shopping for a new papa.

Dogpool begins licking Deadpool's mouth.

DEADPOOL: If you can't be a responsible pet owner, then maybe you don't deserve this little unicorn.

NICEPOOL: Guilty on all charges, Your Honor. Shan't happen again.

DEADPOOL: Why are you so nice?

NICEPOOL: It costs nothing to be kind.

WOLVERINE: Shutting the fuck up is also free.

NICEPOOL: Caliente.

DEADPOOL: This is Logan. He's usually shirtless, but he's let himself go since the divorce.

Nicepool looks Wolverine up and down.

DEADPOOL: Where's your mask?

Nicepool gestures towards his face.

NICEPOOL: Come on, guys.

DEADPOOL: Oh, this guy. We're looking for a group of survivors.

NICEPOOL: Oh, they're out there, yeah. But Merc to Merc, you better hope that you don't run into the Deadpool Corps. Yeah, they're crazy. They will chop you up into a thousand pieces and hide you all over The Void. If they could only process their childhood trauma, they'd go on one heck of a healing journey.

WOLVERINE: Look, we're headed for the border lands. You know where it is?

NICEPOOL: Yeah, that's 12 clicks due West. I can lend you my ride if you like it. It would be my honor.

CUT TO: EXT. CORNFIELD

The camera pans up from a cornfield to a wide shot with several ships strewn about. The trio approach a car in the middle of the corn.

DEADPOOL: Oh, no, no, no, no, absolutely not.

Cut to a medium shot as Nicepool pulls a tarp off of the car.

DEADPOOL: Uh-uh, what the, no, no.

WOLVERINE: Just get in the car.

DEADPOOL: This isn't a car. This is a Honda fucking Odyssey. Throttle response sucks a cock. Dated infotainment system. When Honda saw that untreated chlamydia was making a comeback, they invented the Honda Odyssey to compete.

WOLVERINE: Get in the fucking car.

NICEPOOL: She'll get you there safe and sound. Old Betsy always does. You're gonna have to give me my dog back, though.

DEADPOOL: I know, listen. Yes, child. If you ever wanna give her up, or if she needs a new home, or if something should happen to you, I'd love to be her papa.

NICEPOOL: What would ever happen to me?

DEADPOOL: Lots of stuff.

Nicepool's face drops. Wolverine moves to grab Dogpool. Deadpool dodges.

DEADPOOL: No! We're running away.

WOLVERINE: Give me that.

Wolverine grabs Dogpool and hands it back to Nicepool.

DEADPOOL: The corn was too dense, girl. Fuck.

Wolverine and Deadpool get into the car. "I'm With You" by Avril Lavigne starts playing on the radio as the car turns on. Nicepool waves Dogpool's hand at the duo.

NICEPOOL: Bye!

Nicepool backs up from the car as Wolverine begins driving. Cut to a wide shot of the Void as the car comes out of the cornfield and into a desert. Deadpool sticks his head out the window. Cut to the card going down a road through a forest.

DEADPOOL: Okay, I'm just gonna ask. What's with the suit? First thing I did when I flamed out, I took mine off.

WOLVERINE: Drop it.

DEADPOOL: It's not that ugly.

WOLVERINE: Stop talking about my suit.

DEADPOOL: Did you make it yourself? Been there.

WOLVERINE: Quit now.

DEADPOOL: The X-Men make you wear it? Those sons of fucking bitches. They are not your friends, I'll tell you that. Friends don't let friends leave the house looking like they fight crime for the Los Angeles Rams.

WOLVERINE: Shut the fuck up about this or—

DEADPOOL: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch your frown lines, angel baby. I'm just trying to bond a little bit.

WOLVERINE: Yeah, well then talk about something else.

DEADPOOL: Fine.

After a moment of silence, Deadpool mimes shooting webs from his hands.

WOLVERINE: Stop it.

DEADPOOL: If they can fix your world, what's the first thing you're gonna do when you get out of here? Some rubbing alcohol shots? Maybe a wiper fluid chaser?

WOLVERINE: What did you say?

DEADPOOL: So when you get back, what's the first thing you're gonna do?

WOLVERINE: No, no, no, before that.

DEADPOOL: If they can fix your world?

Wolverine slams on the brakes. Deadpool hits his head.

What do you mean, "if?"

I mean—

You lied to me. You don't have a fucking clue if they can help me fix things, do you?

No, I mean—

Wolverine slams his claws through Deadpool's leg.

DEADPOOL: Ow, fuck! Fuck! I didn't lie.

You lied.

No, I made an educated wish. Because I need you. This, this is why.

Deadpool pulls out the photo of the group shot from his birthday party.

Right here. Because if we don't do something, they die. I don't know anything about saving worlds. Why would I even care? Because my entire world is right here in this picture. It's only nine people, and I have no idea how to save it alone. I know how to fuck people up for money, but you, you, know how to save them. At least, the other Wolverine did.

Wolverine digs his claws further into Deadpool's leg.

DEADPOOL: Fuck! I guess I'm stuck with the worst one.

Did you say you made an educated fucking wish?

They call me the Merc with the Mouth. They don't call me Truthful Timmy, the blowjob queen of Saskatoon. Ah!

Wolverine pulls his claws out of Deadpool's leg.

One more word. Please, give me one.

There's a beat.

Gubernatorial.

Wolverine moves his hand, making Deadpool flinch and yell out.

You know what, you're a fucking joke. No wonder the Avengers didn't take you. Or the X-Men, they'll take fucking anyone. I mean, you are a ridiculous, immature, half-wit moron. I have never met a sadder, more attention-starved, jabbering little prick in my entire life. And that says a lot, because I've been alive for more than 200 fucking years, and I'll tell ya, that bald chick was right about one thing. You will never save the world. You couldn't even save a relationship with a goddamn stripper. Motherfucker, I wish I could say you'd die alone, but it's one of God's best jokes that you can't die, except that's on all of us.

Deadpool doesn't respond.

WOLVERINE: Oh, you got nothing to say, Mouth?

They stare at each other for several moments.

DEADPOOL: I'm gonna fight you now.

Wolverine laughs.

WOLVERINE: Oh, are you?

Deadpool punches Wolverine in the face. His nose starts bleeding. He punches Deadpool several times and slams him into the car's radio, changing the station several times until "You're the One That I Want" from Grease begins playing. Wolverine straps Deadpool's seatbelt on and stabs him through the gut with his claws.

WOLVERINE: You're not talking now, are ya'?

Deadpool reclines his seat to avoid Wolverine's next attack. They exchange blows.

DEADPOOL: Oh, you dirty bitch!

Deadpool kicks Wolverine through the car's windshield, shattering it. Wolverine gets up and bares his claws. Deadpool draws his swords. Wolverine knocks into the car before leaping through the open windshield and skewering Deadpool. They exchange blows. Deadpool gets sent up through the roof of the car, landing on the ground outside. Wolverine taunts him. He throws his swords and pulls out small knives. He leaps back into the car and the duo continue fighting. Wolverine break's Deadpool's arm.

DEADPOOL: No, no, no, ah!

They continue fighting. Deadpool eventually pulls out another small knife and stabs Wolverine's leg.

DEADPOOL: Baby knife!

Wolverine yells out in pain. Deadpool kicks him into the radio, stopping the music.

DEADPOOL: I take it all back. The Honda Odyssey fucks hard. Too bad you don't, needle dick.

WOLVERINE: Oh, we're just getting started, bub.

As they resume fighting, the music comes back and the shot pans to a "Coexist" bumper sticker on the back of the car. Day turns to night as the car shakes and the sticker is splattered with blood. As the car stops shaking it becomes morning again. Birds chirp. Cut to a panning shot at ground level of the car from a distance. A pair of boots walks into frame. Cut to an aerial shot of the car. The duo lay inside, both unconscious. The unseen figure starts the car out of frame and begins to drive away. Cut to the car parked elsewhere in the forest. Cut inside of a run-down building to a shot of a stone relief of Scarlet Witch, then a cooler of beer floating in a pool, a rack of weapons, a board game, toiletries, and finally a bed where Deadpool lays. He suddenly sits up as he awakens.

DEADPOOL: Thor!

He looks around. Wolverine stands in another part of the room.

DEADPOOL: Where are we?

WOLVERINE: No clue, but I like it here.

He holds up a bottle of alcohol and takes a swig. A door opens elsewhere, getting their attention. Deadpool gets up from bed and stands by the entrance, drawing his sword. As he swings out, Elektra blocks him and throws him to the ground.

DEADPOOL: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

After a moment, she allows him to get up. She walks past in slow motion. Blade enters behind her. A playing card flies in before Gambit enters, catching it. Blade grabs a blade from the weapon rack. Elektra flips her kunai around. Gambit plays with his deck of cards.

DEADPOOL: Okay, look at you all. You must be the others. Terrific. So just to refresh, you are Wonder—

ELEKTRA: Elektra.

DEADPOOL: Elektra, yes. Who could forget? And you, I was not expecting to see you here, thought you were, you know, retired.

BLADE: Retarded?

DEADPOOL: : Retired. I'm already in The Void. I'm not trying to get canceled again.

BLADE: I don't like you.

DEADPOOL: You never did. And who's this succulent reminder of my own inadequacies? Look at you. You look like the superhero version of Hawkeye.

GAMBIT: The name's Remy LeBeau. Le Diable Blanc. But you can call me The Gambit.

DEADPOOL: It's been a while since I've seen Sling Blade, hit me again.

GAMBIT: They call me The Gambit.

DEADPOOL: Do they? Are you sure you didn't just really, really want them to, but it never quite worked out?

GAMBIT: You know, we never had a Wolverine up in here. But I can tell you now, it's just a common courtesy to ask before you drink up all of my liquor.

WOLVERINE: Well, it's a good thing I don't give a fuck.

Gambit says something unintelligible and flings a card at the bottle Wolverine is holding, shattering the bottom.

DEADPOOL: So embarrassing.

Wolverine grabs a different bottle.

DEADPOOL: Well, now that's settled, look, we came a long way to find you three.

ELEKTRA: There's four of us.

DEADPOOL: There's four? Hey, wait, is it Magneto? Dear sweet God in heaven, let it be Magneto, because with him—

BLADE: He's dead.

DEADPOOL: Fuck! Now Disney gets cheap? It's like Pinocchio jammed his face in my ass and started lying like crazy.

GAMBIT: Ooh, you nasty, mon petit rouge. Laissez les bons temps rouler, ah?

DEADPOOL: Not a single word. What do you do, exactly?

GAMBIT: Charge the playing cards and make them go boom.

DEADPOOL: Your power's close-up magic, that's good. We're not totally fucked at all. So who brought us here?

X-23: That would be me.

X-23 enters from another doorway.

X-23: Don't make me regret it.

DEADPOOL: Holy shit, Logan, that's her, that's X-23. She's the one I told you about.

X-23 and Wolverine stare at each other for a few moments.

DEADPOOL: Hey, how did you all get stuck in The Void?

BLADE: There was a knock at the door, TVA sent me here.

ELEKTRA: Me too.

GAMBIT: Maybe I was born here, it's hard to know for sure.

BLADE: TVA decided our universe was dying, and I never even got a chance to fight for it.

ELEKTRA: People like us don't go quietly. TVA knows that, so they took us out.

DEADPOOL: The answer is yes, I'm in.

BLADE: In what?

DEADPOOL: A team. Me, you, you and me, all of us together. Let's get the fuck out of this place.

WOLVERINE: Don't listen to him, he's a fucking liar.

DEADPOOL: It was an educated wish!

WOLVERINE: Ha!

DEADPOOL: Look. We've been inside Cassandra's lair. The only way out of The Void is through her. She can get us home. She told us.

BLADE: Wait a minute, you've been inside? And you made it out alive?

ELEKTRA: Bullshit. Nobody's ever done that.

DEADPOOL: We did.

GAMBIT: Every time one of us has gone up against her, they die. The Punisher, The Quicksilver, The Daredevil.

DEADPOOL: Daredevil, I'm so sorry.

ELEKTRA: It's fine.

DEADPOOL: Okay.

GAMBIT: Even that sweet baby angel, Johnny Storm, he up and going missing like, what, two days ago?

DEADPOOL: Ah, that's so sad. Wherever this Johnny fellow is, I'm sure he's thriving.

Wolverine chuckles and takes another swig of alcohol.

DEADPOOL: Look, there's strength in numbers, all right? Us, plus you guys, we can put Cassandra over our knee and force her to let us out of The Void. I know what it means to feel self-doubt.

ELEKTRA: I don't feel that at all.

BLADE: I'm good.

DEADPOOL: Gnawing at your gut like a coked-up tapeworm.

GAMBIT: It's like you're holding up a mirror to my soul.

DEADPOOL: You guys may not have been able to save your universes, but you can avenge them. It's what Johnny would have wanted.

ELEKTRA: Wait, you knew Johnny?

WOLVERINE: Oh yeah. Dickhead here talked him into team-up and Johnny came down with a little case of the deads.

DEADPOOL: No, no, no, no, we don't know that. It was just a flesh wound. He may have survived.

WOLVERINE: If he survived that, he is praying for death.

DEADPOOL: Thank you, Dr. Wolverine.

BLADE: Spill it.

GAMBIT: What you do to Johnny, huh? Talk, or I'm gonna start dealin'.

DEADPOOL: Okay, okay, hey, hey, hey. Okay, he ran his fatass mouth about Cassandra. Then she zip-zapped his skin, leaving his organs to splash crudely onto the ground while the soil greedily drank his blood. It was horrible. He was like a brother to me. Look, he died before he could make a difference, maybe you couldn't save your worlds, but Jesus Christ, you could save mine.

ELEKTRA: I don't give a shit about your world, but if these two made it out of there alive, maybe together, we could get back in and take her down.

GAMBIT: Where I come from, we call that suicide, chère.

DEADPOOL: If we can block her psychic powers, we can get a leg up. I know it. Now, I know Magneto's dead, but I venture to guess that his helmet is lying around here somewhere.

BLADE: Cassandra melted the helmet.

DEADPOOL: Fuck!

BLADE: After she killed him.

DEADPOOL: Fuck!

BLADE: She don't play.

ELEKTRA: She knows that helmet was the only way to protect anyone from her powers. The only other helmet that strong is Juggernaut's, but he works for Cassandra.

DEADPOOL: Juggernauts helmet, that's it.

GAMBIT: Yeah, and we done be knowing that lid ain't coming off without that dome gonna come off wit' it.

DEADPOOL: I'm so sorry, beautiful, I want this to be gentle. Who is your dialect coach? The minions? I feel like we're missing critical exposition here.

ELEKTRA: I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of hiding. Let's face it, our worlds forgot about us.

GAMBIT: Or never learned about us.

ELEKTRA: The heroes we were.

BLADE: Lives we saved.

GAMBIT: Or wanted to save.

ELEKTRA: Maybe these two are our chance.

Wolverine gargles some alcohol.

ELEKTRA: To be remembered the way we deserve.

DEADPOOL: Yes.

ELEKTRA: An ending.

BLADE: Legacy.

DEADPOOL: Yes, yes, let this man cook. This is what I'm talking about. Big slow motion fight, sad music, everybody working together. Who knows if you live or die, that sort of thing. Who's ready?

BLADE: I was born ready.

DEADPOOL: Yes. Gambit?

GAMBIT: I ain't know my daddy, but I'm sure I shot out of his dick ready.

DEADPOOL: Jesus Christ, that is graphic.

GAMBIT: Yeah, he was laying them buttery nuts all up in my mama and I shot out there and I said, "What's up, doc?"

DEADPOOL: Johnny must've loved you. X-23, what's it gonna be?

LAURA: The name's Laura. Let's fucking go.

DEADPOOL: Let's fucking go.

BLADE: It's on like chicken and corn.

ELEKTRA: We're doing this.

WOLVERINE: You're all fucking dead.

DEADPOOL: My god, read the room.

CUT TO: EXT. VOID, NIGHT

Cut to Wolverine later that night. He sits by a fire, drinking. Laura approaches.

WOLVERINE: Hey, hey, I'm not looking for company. Get out of here.

Laura sits down.

LAURA: You remind me of him. Angry, drunk, mean—

WOLVERINE: Sounds like a great guy.

LAURA: I wasn't finished. Showed up when it mattered the most. Couldn't help it. You might not know it, but you're a good man, Logan.

WOLVERINE: You might not know it, but apparently I'm the worst Logan.

LAURA: I got to have a life because of you. I got to grow up because of you. A lot of kids did.

WOLVERINE: A lot of kids didn't grow up because of me. Trust me, kid, I'm no hero.

LAURA: That suit says different.

WOLVERINE: Yeah, what, do you like it? Scott used to beg me to wear it. So did Gene, Storm, Beast. All of them. Wanted me to be part of the team. Told them they all looked fucking ridiculous. I couldn't have them thinking I wanted to be there. And then one day, while I was off on my own, the humans came and went mutant hunting.

LAURA: I can guess the rest.

WOLVERINE: No, no, let me say it, I... I need to say it. By the time I stumbled home shit-faced from the bar, it was too late. They were dead, every… This suit's all I got to remind me of who they were. What I did.

Wolverine takes a swig.

LAURA: We're headed to Cassandra's at sun-up.

WOLVERINE: Have fun, not my fight.

LAURA: We won't pull this off without you.

She gets up.

WOLVERINE: Hey, whoever you think I am, you got the wrong guy.

LAURA: You were always the wrong guy.

She leaves. He stares into the fire and continues to drink.

CUT TO: INT. DINER, NIGHT

Fade to an establishing shot of the diner that Deadpool and Wolverine stopped at. Cut to a close-up of a Spam tin left on a table. Pyro, lighting the room with fire in his hand, picks up the tin. Cut to TVA headquarters. Paradox looks around before entering an empty room and answering his phone.

PARADOX: What?

PYRO: Alioth didn't get them.

Cut back and forth between the TVA and the diner as their conversation continues.

PYRO: Cassandra wanted to play with them herself first. They got away.

PARADOX: Did they find the others?

PYRO: No.

PARADOX: Good, all right, phew.

PYRO: The others found them.

PARADOX: Oh, very cute, well done, Pyro. Classic bait-and-switch, you really got me there.

PYRO: Relax. If they come after Nova, she'll handle it.

PARADOX: Cassandra is a lunatic wild card. Why do you think we put her there in the first place? Thank God she's never chosen to leave The Void. The Time-Ripper is hours away from completion. I can't take any chances.

PYRO: Maybe not, but I can. For a price.

PARADOX: Why do you have to say it in that silly voice? It's so icky.

PYRO: You want it done or not?

PARADOX: All right, your price, take her out.

Paradox hangs up.

PARADOX: Ugh. Mutants.

"Bring Em Out" by T.I. begins playing.

CUT TO: EXT. VOID

Cut to a wide shot of the void. Deadpool, Laura, Elektra, Blade, and Gambit drive through the wasteland in Nicepool's car. Cut through several shots of Cassandra and her underlings as they watch the car's approach.

GAMBIT: Ooh, look at that there. You see them biggum hands come closed. Ain't not a one a gettin' up inside there.

DEADPOOL: What Gambit's trying to say is getting Juggernaut's helmet ain't gonna be easy.
I'm just making stuff up with this— Yeah, tilt up to Blade.

The shot tilts up to Blade as he stands out of the car's roof.

BLADE: Gun!

Gambit hands Blade a bazooka.

DEADPOOL: Where'd you get that little beauty?

ELEKTRA: That's Punisher's AT4.

DEADPOOL: Which Punisher? There's been, like, five of them.

BLADE: There's only been one Blade, and there's only ever gonna be one Blade.

Deadpool turns to the camera. Blade fires at Cassandra's base. Cut to a close-up of the Juggernaut.

JUGGERNAUT: Incoming!

The rocket blows up the entrance to the base, sending several of Cassandra's underlings flying. Elektra speeds the car up. As they pass through the exploded entrance, she swerves the car to a stop. All of Cassandra's goons take aim as the group gets out of the car in slow motion. As both sides square up, the trunk of the car slowly opens. Everyone turns to look as Wolverine steps out. Cassandra smirks and walks away from her vantage point.

BLADE: Oh, this is gonna be good.

GAMBIT: You know how long I've been waiting for this? Whoo, I'm about to make a name for myself here.

WOLVERINE: I don't think you guys walk away from this.

GAMBIT: You just make sure people know what happened here today. When you get out of here, you have a drink for me, yeah?

BLADE: You just stay on our six and get inside. We'll make sure you get the package.

ELEKTRA: Then we'll get our ending.

Laura puts on a set of shades. There's a tense beat before Cassandra's army charges and the fight begins. Chaos erupts throughout the clearing. Cut through each member of the team as they fight their way through the enemy combatants. Eventually Deadpool and Wolverine manage to get into Cassandra's lair while their four allies hold the stairway behind them.

BLADE: Heh. Some motherfucker's still trying to ice skate uphill.

As the fighting continues, cut to Cassandra inside. She takes a sip of tea.

CASSANDRA: You two escaping I could live with, but coming back, willingly… Boys are so silly.

DEADPOOL: I just need to get home.

CASSANDRA: Well, that's not on the menu, I'm afraid. It's death or enslavement, a la cart, of course.

She stands.

CASSANDRA: Upsy-daisy.

She flicks her hand and sends Deadpool flying into the ceiling. She brings him back down, spins him around, and sends him into a wall, knocking him unconscious.

CASSANDRA: Finally, it's nice to give someone else a chance to talk.

WOLVERINE: Not my strong suit.

He tries to attack her with his claws, but she telekinetically forces his arm back and his claws into his own legs before sticking them in the ground. Cut back to the fighting outside. Blade kills Azazel and Toad. Gambit gets sent flying by The Russian.

GAMBIT: You shouldn't have done that.

Gambit kills The Russian. Laura fights the Juggernaut, cutting off his feet.

LAURA: Adiós, pendejo.

She leaps at him. Cut back inside as Cassandra crouches in front of Wolveirne.

CASSANDRA: You are an interesting one, aren't you? I do feel like you get lost behind all of his…

She mumbles and pantomimes Deadpool's chatter with her hand.

CASSANDRA: Deadpools are a dime a dozen here in the Void. But you… What's going on in here?

She touches Wolverine's forehead with her finger. He starts to scream. Several black-and-white shots from previous X-Men movies play. Cut inside his mind. He walks through an endless field with a row of stone obelisks. As he walks, Cassandra's voice echoes all around him.

CASSANDRA: (Voiceover) Interesting. Not what I expected back here. Behind the anger.

She appears from behind one of the obelisks.

CASSANDRA: You're hiding from them. From all the ones you let down.

He sits next to the nearest obelisk.

CASSANDRA: So much pain.

WOLVERINE: I walked away. They called after me, and I, I walked away. I always do.

CASSANDRA: I know.

She kneels down next to him.

CASSANDRA: But that's not all you did, is it?

Cut back to a shot of the real world. She sinks her finger deeper into his forehead. Cut back to Wolverine's mind.

CASSANDRA: You found them, the X-Men?

WOLVERINE: Dead. Piled like wood.

CASSANDRA: What did you do?

WOLVERINE: I started killing and I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop.

CASSANDRA: All those bad men.

WOLVERINE: It was not just the bad ones.

CASSANDRA: My little animal.

WOLVERINE: I turned the whole world against the X-Men.

Cut back to the fight outside.

LAURA: Blade!

Laura runs through the battlefield and leaps towards Blade. He sends her flying up Ant-Man's skull. Cut back to Wolverine's mind.

WOLVERINE: Just once, I wanna be the man that Charles thought I was.

CASSANDRA: Logan, in the Void you can be what you are.

WOLVERINE: I just want to be free.

CASSANDRA: I can set you free.

Cut to Laura entering Cassandra's lair. Psylocke grabs her from the ground outside with her lasso and pulls her down. As Laura falls, she tosses her backpack into the room. Deadpool grabs it. Cut back into Wolverine's mind.

CASSANDRA: I can silence all those voices.

As she says the word "voices," Wolverine's mind becomes completely silent. He sighs.

CASSANDRA: I've got you. I've got you.

WOLVERINE: No. I've got you.

The veins on her head bulge. Cut back to her lair, where Deadpool has put Juggernaut's helmet on her and is restraining her. She cries and struggles. Wolverine gets up.

CASSANDRA: Get it off!

DEADPOOL: You're gonna send us home, then I'm gonna twist your fucking head off.

She laughs.

DEADPOOL: Why are you laughing?

CASSANDRA: I can't send you unless you get this thing off my head. And as soon as you do that, I'm going to boil your brains on an atomic level whilst flicking my bean to the Enya box set.

DEADPOOL: There's an Enya box set?

CASSANDRA: Either you kill me or I kill you. Both wonderful options.

DEADPOOL: You want me to do it?

WOLVERINE: No, I'll do it.

DEADPOOL: I have her neck right here, it's really no problem.

WOLVERINE: You'll screw it up.

DEADPOOL: Oh, come on, Mr. PG-13 except the last one.

Cassandra is shot several times from off-screen.

DEADPOOL: What the fuck?

Wolverine turns around in shock. Cut to Pyro entering with a gun.

PYRO: You have no idea what it's like. Day after day, shovel the shit, fetch the meats. I have spent my entire exist—

Wolverine punches Pyro in the face. He falls to the ground, unconscious.

WOLVERINE: Not everyone gets a speech. She's gonna die.

DEADPOOL: Okay, hey, hey, if I take this helmet off, do you promise you won't kill us?

WOLVERINE: Fuck.

CASSANDRA: I promise I will kill you first thing.

DEADPOOL: Why are you like this?

CASSANDRA: I wish I knew.

WOLVERINE: Take it off.

DEADPOOL: What?

WOLVERINE: Take it off.

DEADPOOL: Why?

WOLVERINE: Just take it off.

DEADPOOL: This is our only chance to fix our shit.

WOLVERINE: Take it off! I am wearing this suit. And that means a lot of things, but most of all, it means I'm an X-Man. And I know your brother. As much as I want to fucking kill you, every bone in my body wants to fucking kill you, he would not let me stand here and watch you die. Take your hands off. This is for him. This is for Charles.

Wolverine takes Juggernaut's helmet off of Cassandra's head. She heals herself. After a moment she points at Deadpool.

DEADPOOL: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't you dare do me like Johnny.

She lowers her finger and looks at Wolverine.

CASSANDRA: My brother loved you.

WOLVERINE: He loved all of us.

CASSANDRA: Hmm. Must be nice.

WOLVERINE: He would have loved you too. If he knew about you, if he knew where you were, he would have torn a hole in the fucking universe to bring you home.

CASSANDRA: This is my home.

WOLVERINE: Then at least let us save his.

CASSANDRA: You wanna hear something crazy?

She begins to walk towards the exit.

CASSANDRA: An amateur magician rolled through here a while back. I killed him, of course. Wore his skin around for four days.

She pulls a sling ring out of her pocket.

CASSANDRA: But I found this little trinket on his lovely fingers.

DEADPOOL: Strange.

She begins to use the sling ring to open a portal. Deadpool gasps.

DEADPOOL: Marvel sparkle circle.

WOLVERINE: What's that?

CASSANDRA: This is your way home. I do owe you for saving my life, but let's keep things interesting. I'd say you have about four seconds before you're Alioth's food.

She looks off in the distance. Cut to a wide shot which follows Alioth as it races towards the base. Deadpool laughs.

DEADPOOL: Race you.

Time slows down as Deadpool and Wolverine run towards the portal. "I'll Be Seeing You" by Jimmy Durante begins to play. Cut to a wide shot as Alioth approaches. Cut to the fight in the clearing below. Juggernaut's decapitated body sits upright near dozens of bodies. Laura gets shot in the chest. Blade gets stabbed from behind. Elektra's leg gets slashed. Laura and Gambit are separately tackled to the ground. Alioth opens its maw. Deadpool and Wolverine continue running. Elektra looks around. Laura screams and struggles. Gambit gets up, winded. Alioth continues forward. Laura kicks her assailant. Blade slashes his. Gambit blows up his. Cut to a wide shot as the fight continues. Deadpool and Wolverine leap into the air towards the portal. Their allies all look up and smile at the duo as they escape just as Alioth consumes the base.

CUT TO: EXT. DRIVEMAX

Cut to an establishing shot of Drivemax.

PETER: (Voiceover) As I said, we've got a standard 3-year bumper to bumper warranty.

Cut to Peter in the parking lot with the family from earlier in the movie.

PETER: Glad you gave us a second chance. And don't worry, Wade and I are a team, so I'll see he gets half the commiss—

Deadpool and Wolverine fall from the sky onto the family's new car, destroying it.

DEADPOOL: That feels like a KIA.

Deadpool and Wolverine get up from the car.

DEADPOOL: A fucking KIA carnival, isn't it? Oh.

KID 1: Holy shit, that's Deadpool.

KID 2: And that's Wolverine.

DEADPOOL: You're damn straight it is. Fox killed him. Disney brought him back. They're gonna make him do this till he's 90. Let's go.

Deadpool and Wolverine turn and leave.

PETER: I'll clock you out.

DEADPOOL: Forever.

PETER: Forever.

CUT TO: INT. CASSANDRA'S LAIR

Cut to a close-up of Pyro's gun on the ground. Pan over to him. Cassandra taps his face.

CASSANDRA: Wakey wakey.

PYRO: God…

CASSANDRA: Now you put all these bullets in my belly and I'm gonna find out why.

She prepares to invade his mind. He scrambles up.

PYRO: Whoa, whoa! I'll just say it. You don't have to stick your fingers in me. Jesus, just ask sometimes.

CASSANDRA: Fine.

PYRO: Really?

She puts her hands in her pockets.

CASSANDRA: Hands in pockets.

PYRO: Guy named Paradox. He said he'd get me out of the Void. All I know is he works for the TVA.

The TVA? We had an agreement.

PYRO: I don't think this guy cares.

CASSANDRA: Huh. He will.

CUT TO: INT. TRAIN STATION

Cut to the TVA's train station base. Paradox goes through some turnstiles as other TVA agents leave.

PARADOX: Okay, hold. How much longer before the Time-Ripper is active?

He approaches a control panel where two agents sit.

RALPH: We're running the final safety checks.

PARADOX: Oh, okay, all right, thanks for all your hard work Ralph, take your time.

RALPH: Really?

PARADOX: No, you drooling boob, no. We have company, cancel the safety checks. We need to be live now.

He walks to an exit. On a monitor, Deadpool and Wolverine are seen crossing a street.

PARADOX: Oh, I hate you so much!

Paradox walks up from the subway onto the street. Deadpool and Wolverine approach.

PARADOX: No, stop, piss off, you're too late.

PARADOX: You're fucking done.

DEADPOOL: Why was Thor crying?

PARADOX: How dare you? No one comes back from the Void.

WOLVERINE: Tell that to Cassandra Nova.

A sling ring portal opens on the street behind them. They all turn. Paradox walks towards it. Pyro comes out.

PYRO: Paradox, we have a problem.

Fingers appear through his forehead and snap his neck. Cassandra emerges behind him.

CASSANDRA: Paradox?

She tosses Pyro's body back into the portal behind her.

CASSANDRA: Well, you are doughier than you looked in Pyro's head. You tried to kill me. I literally have no i—

Her fingers appear bulging from the side of his face, moving around under his skin. She appears right behind him and her words echo in his mind.

CASSANDRA: You come for the king, you better kill the king.

DEADPOOL: Oh, welcome to the skull fuck club, Paradox. You know she doesn't wash that hand.

CASSANDRA: Oh, what's this? A Time-Ripper. Naughty boy.

DEADPOOL: Oh no, we're on it, we're gonna head down and dismantle that thing now. We got you, boo, you just keep playing those keys.

CASSANDRA: I don't want to destroy it. I want to use it. Now, shoo. Mommy and daddy are having a conversation.

She flicks and sends them both flying backwards. They hit a taxi and crash into a storefront. She pushes Paradox to his knees in the street.

CASSANDRA: You know, the funny thing is, I was happy in the Void. You sent your trash to me, Alioth and I cleaned it up. Everyone was happy. And you had to go and piss on my side of the fence, and, so now the fence must come down. I'm going to use your little Time-Ripper, and I'm going to destroy this universe and the next and the next and the next until all that's left is the Void. And I get to play God. Come on.

She begins dragging him over to the subway stairs.

CASSANDRA: Now, you're going to show me how to use this fancy gadget of yours, and don't worry, I've called some friends to make sure we're not disturbed.

CUT TO: INT. TVA HEADQUARTERS

Cut to Hunter B-15 in her office, reading. There's a knock at the door. An agent enters.

TVA AGENT: Sorry to bother, madam, but there's something you need to see.

He walks over to her computer.

TVA AGENT: We're getting indications of an unsanctioned Time-Ripper activating on Earth-10005.

He pulls up a diagram on her monitor.

HUNTER B-15: Whose district is that?

TVA AGENT: Paradox.

CUT TO: INT. TRAIN STATION

Cassandra, still probing Paradox's mind with her fingers, watches as he activates the Time-Ripper with the TVA console. The other TVA agents stand nearby. She pulls her hand out of his head once a monitor shows the device is on.

CASSANDRA: Well, thank you so much for your help, darling. God, good to get out of that head. Whew! What a mess.

CUT TO: EXT. STREET

Cut to the store Deadpool and Wolverine crashed into. They step back out onto the street. Deadpool holds his hand out in front of Wolverine.

DEADPOOL: Stop. Let's give it a beat for the extras to clear.

Several extras rush out of the street ahead of them. An attendant in the store rushes out from behind them.

DEADPOOL: Go, go, go, go. Oh my God.

Smoke billows on the other side of the still-active sling ring portal.

DEADPOOL: Oh my God.

WOLVERINE: Fuck.

Dogpool leaps out of the portal. "Make Me Lose Control" by Eric Carmen plays.

DEADPOOL: It's her.

He falls to his knees. Dogpool runs towards him.

DEADPOOL: Come on, girl!

Dogpool leaps into his arms and licks his face.

DEADPOOL: That's my girl! We don't have to be apart, ever, ever again. Never, ever—

Nicepool runs towards them from the portal.

NICEPOOL: Sorry!

DEADPOOL: Fuck! What's cafe gratitude doing here?

NICEPOOL: Sorry about that.

DEADPOOL: Tremble not, sweet Mary Puppins. I'll handle him.

NICEPOOL: Come here, girl. Papa's here.

DEADPOOL: Hey, do not insult this animal's autonomy. She can decide who her papa is. What's it gonna be, girl, huh? Original Recipe? Or Van Milder here?

NICEPOOL: Ah, that's funny. I can gently tap the fourth wall too.

Nicepool turns to the camera.

NICEPOOL: The Proposal.

DEADPOOL: The fuck was that? Bitch, you think that's what I do?

WOLVERINE: Both of you, shut up.

Wolverine sniffs.

DEADPOOL: You smell something?

WOLVERINE: Yeah, you. A lot of you.

The camera pans up as Ladypool exits the portal. Dozens of other Deadpools appear silhouetted behind her. Headpool comes out and winks.

NICEPOOL: Told you there were a lot of Deadpools over there.

Dozens of Deadpools emerge.

DEADPOOL: That's bad.

WOLVERINE: I take it they're not friendly.

NICEPOOL: Goodness, no. Sorry about this, boys. Mission over. Cause of death, one hundred kill-thirsty Deadpools. They're dumb, but they can fight. Not me though. I'd love to get in the mix, but I have low bone density and I have to keep my face safe.

DEADPOOL: Hold please.

Deadpool hands Dogpool to Wolverine.

WOLVERINE: Oh, God.

DEADPOOL: All right, look. Guys! Deadpool Prime here. Our fight isn't with you.

KIDPOOL: Hey, when I want your opinion, I'll take Wolverine's dick out of your mouth.

NICEPOOL: That's Kidpool, she's the dirtiest.

DEADPOOL: Can we just be done?

LADYPOOL: Ooh, we're just getting started.

DEADPOOL: No, no, no, no, no. With the whole multiverse thing. It's not great. It's just been miss, after miss, after miss. Look, The Wizard of Oz did the multiverse first and they did it best. The gays knew it, but we didn't listen. Let's just take the L and move on.

NICEPOOL: I think it's been steadily great since Endgame.

LADYPOOL: What are you talking about? The multiverse is over.

COWBOYPOOL: Sandy gonna destroy the fuck out of every time. Y'all can't do shit about it.

DEADPOOL: Do you not get it? If we don't go down to the subway and stop her, we all die.

COWBOYPOOL: Say, the boss lady don't want no disturbances.

HEADPOOL: You wanna get down to the subway? You gotta go through us. UZI time, baby.

LADYPOOL: UZI time, baby.

Ladypool pulls out two UZIs.

DEADPOOL: Look alive!

Wolverine ducks behind cover. Deadpool grabs Nicepool and uses him as a human shield before joining him.

NICEPOOL: I think I'm hit.

WOLVERINE: No shit. You did that on purpose.

DEADPOOL: I did no such thing. Listen to me, gorgeous. How long does it take for you to regenerate?

NICEPOOL: Regenerate?

There's a beat. Nicepool spits out some blood.

WOLVERINE: You really are God's perfect idiot, aren't you?

NICEPOOL: I'm okay.

DEADPOOL: How dare you, you insensitive son of a bitch. How was I supposed to know he doesn't regenerate? I'm not a medicine woman.

Deadpool points at a nearby cart.

DEADPOOL: Look, a donut cart. They're practically hospitals. They sell portable triage units.

WOLVERINE: They don't.

DEADPOOL: I'm gonna get you to safety.

WOLVERINE: He's not.

DEADPOOL: Deep breath.

Deadpool grabs Nicepool and uses him as a shield as he runs out into the street. Several of the Deadpools open fire. Deadpool stops to catch his breath.

NICEPOOL: Hey, why are we stopping?

DEADPOOL: Just catching my breath. What, are your legs on vacation? You're dead weight.

NICEPOOL: Just because I'm paralyzed.

DEADPOOL: We all have problems. Listen to me. You're gonna live. Look at me, Nicepool.

Time slows as the Deadpool army advances, still firing into Nicepool.

DEADPOOL: You're gonna live. Say it.

NICEPOOL: I'm gonna live.

DEADPOOL: Say it with me. You're gonna live.

NICEPOOL: I'm gonna live.

DEADPOOL: Ha ha! Say it louder!

NICEPOOL: I'm gonna li—

Nicepool's head explodes. Deadpool runs the rest of the way to the donut cart. Wolverine holds Dogpool up above cover. The Deadpool army aims in his direction.

HEADPOOL: Hold your fire!

They cease firing.

HEADPOOL: Sweet little puppy.

The army watches as Wolverine, using Dogpool as a shield, walks over to Deadpool. Deadpool is trying to do CPR on Nicepool.

DEADPOOL: Goddamn it! I don't think he's gonna make it. God, he loved his face. I could taste his final thought. He was so afraid. But he died a hero.

WOLVERINE: He died from murder, you dumb fuck.

DEADPOOL: All I have to remember him by are these two gold-plated, 50-caliber Desert Eagle pistoleros. This is for him. Are you ready?

WOLVERINE: I get to kill a hundred yous? Fuck yeah, I'm ready. Hey, you don't wanna see this, bub.

He sets Dogpool down.

DEADPOOL: That's a good girl.

Deadpool and Wolverine re-emerge from behind the donut cart. "Like a Prayer" by Madonna begins playing. Wolverine pulls a mask over his face.

DEADPOOL: Holy shit. You saved the good stuff for special occasions?

WOLVERINE: Killing mostly.

DEADPOOL: What's the wind resistance on those blowjob headings? Sorry, I'm just a catty bitch when I'm jealous. All right, let's do this. Maximum effort.

Wolverine bares his claws. Deadpool wields Nicepool's gold pistols. They run at the Deadpool army in slow motion. Time returns to normal as the fight begins. A tracking shot follows the duo down the street as they cut through their assailants. After some time, Blind Al is seen in a nearby window.

BLIND AL: Motherfucker. I wish I were deaf.

The tracking shot of the fight resumes as the fight continues to move down the street and into a bus. The shot moves around to the back of the bus as Deadpool and Wolverine both leap out of the rear windshield. The shot freezes on them for a moment before returning to normal speed. Wolverine lands on his feet while Deadpool falls to the ground.

DEADPOOL: Come on! I blew it. After all that, the only thing they're gonna remember is that God-awful dismount.

Babypool laughs from nearby.

DEADPOOL: Whatcha laughing at, you little fucker?

All of the defeated Deadpools begin to get up as they regenerate.

DEADPOOL: Uh oh. I guess these ones regenerate.

The Deadpool corps surrounds the duo.

DEADPOOL: Come on, we don't have time for this.

PETER: Deadpools, stand down!

Everyone turns to look at Peter, who has arrived in a Deadpool costume on a bike.

PETER: This Deadpool's with me.

DEADPOOL: Oh no.

LADYPOOL: Holy shit.

KIDPOOL: That's fucking Peter!

The Deadpools all cheer.

DEADPOOL: Wait, you, you guys know Peter?

LADYPOOL: Are you kidding me? Every Deadpool has a Peter.

COWBOYPOOL: Shit, Peter's a goddamn legend in every Deadpool's world.

SAMURAI DEADPOOL: Peter-san. Hai.

Deadpool and Wolverine look around in confusion as the Deadpool corps continue to cheer for Peter, embracing him in a group hug. They all begin to chant as Deadpool and Wolverine make their escape.

DEADPOOL CORPS: Peter! Peter! Peter! Peter! Peter! Peter! Peter! Peter! Peter!

Deadpool high-fives several other Deadpools as he and Wolverine run to the subway.

DEADPOOL: Enjoy my Peter!

Cut into the subway. Cassandra approaches the Time-Ripper. She opens up an access panel and sticks her arms into it. Paradox and several other TVA agents watch from the console. Paradox turns as Deadpool and Wolverine enter.

PARADOX: Oh, now you're here. Oh well, you're too late, it's all over.

WOLVERINE: Not yet, it's not.

DEADPOOL: Whoa, no, no, no, no, we're very close.

Deadpool turns to the camera.

DEADPOOL: Homestretch, folks, promise. Quick, let's have the stakes.

PARADOX: If she steals the Time-Ripper's energy, she has the power to shred the fabric of all the realities until there is nothing left but the Void.

WOLVERINE: How do we shut it down?

PARADOX: I don't know.

Wolverine shoves him against the console and extends his claws.

WOLVERINE: How about now?

DEADPOOL: The mask is really intimidating, huh? It's like Batman except he can move his neck.

PARADOX: Okay, look, look, look, look, look.

He presses some buttons on the console.

PARADOX: The Ripper is fed from a secure chamber below ground. It is powered by twin matter and antimatter feeds converging inside the device. Now Cassandra Nova is redirecting the Ripper's power to eliminate all timelines, starting with this one. Theoretically, you could stop her by short circuiting the feeds in the chamber below. One of you would create a circuit between the two feeds, then the, the released power would destroy the machine. But, well—

DEADPOOL: Come on, man. If you're not gonna swallow, spit it out.

PARADOX: Whoever formed the bridge would be annihilated.

WOLVERINE: I could live with that.

DEADPOOL: I could live with that too, actually. You know, we survive anything. We're like cockroaches.

PARADOX: Not this time. This is matter and antimatter. They do not play nicely with each other. When they mix in your body, you will be atomized. Trust the laws of physics if you don't trust me. Even if you lived long enough to make the circuit, you will die down there.

Deadpool takes a look at the feed on the monitor. Cassandra begins absorbing energy from the Time-Ripper. Cut to Deadpool and Wolverine as they approach the room where the device's feeds are. They stop outside the door.

WOLVERINE: Hold up, hold up. You heard that asshole upstairs. Even if we pull this off, we're dead, permanently.

DEADPOOL: That's why it's gotta be me.

WOLVERINE: What?

Deadpool takes his mask off.

DEADPOOL: Look, man, you didn't ask for any of this. You were right. I lied. I lied right to your face. Just to get you to help me, and you did.

WOLVERINE: You didn't lie. You made an educated wish.

They both smile.

WOLVERINE: Come on.

Wolverine pulls out the group photo from Deadpool's birthday party.

WOLVERINE: You got a whole world to go back to. I got nothing. I got nothing. Give me this.

He gives Deadpool the photo and walks towards the room.

DEADPOOL: Hey.

Wolverine stops and turns around.

DEADPOOL: I waited a long time for this team-up. You know something? You're the best Wolverine.

Wolverine presses a button to unlock the door.

WOLVERINE: Say hi to your friends for me.

As he enters and turns to close the door, Deadpool, now with his mask back on, hits him in the face with a fire extinguisher and tosses him out of the room before closing the door behind him.

WOLVERINE: No! Open the door.

DEADPOOL: I can't hear you over all the noble sacrifice.

WOLVERINE: Why are you fucking doing this?

DEADPOOL: Because I'm Marvel Jesus.

He puts his hand against the window in the door and spreads his fingers.

DEADPOOL: Or Spock. Hard to say.

He walks out of view. He comes back and blows Wolverine a kiss. Wolverine slams his fist against the door.

WOLVERINE: Wade!

Deadpool mimes flying in front of the window.

WOLVERINE: You fucking idiot.

Deadpool mimes going down some stairs.

DEADPOOL: Sorry, I'm just stalling. I think I'm nervous about dying.

WOLVERINE: It should be me.

DEADPOOL: Say hi to my friends for me, peanut.

WOLVERINE: Wade! You wanna be an annoying prick, do it this side!

Deadpool approaches the Time-Ripper's feeds.

WOLVERINE: You're gonna die in there, you dumb fuck!

Cut to Cassandra continuing to absorb the device's energy. Cut to the TVA agents as they watch events unfold on their monitor Cut to Wolverine as he slams the window on the door.

WOLVERINE: Hey, you don't need to do this.

DEADPOOL: I'm not doing it because I need it. I'm doing it because they do.

Deadpool breaks into one of the feeds and grabs wiring inside. He strains to pull it towards the other feed. Cut to Cassandra as she begins to use the Time-Ripper's power. Paradox watches. Wolverine continues to try to break into the room.

WOLVERINE: No!

Deadpool struggles to pull the feed further out. Cassandra's body begins to glow. Cut to TVA headquarters where Hunter B-15 and several other agents watch events unfold. Cut back to the room as Wolverine tries to slam the door down. Deadpool slowly inches towards the other feed. Wolverine slams the door again. Cassandra continues to absorb the device's power. Wolverine slams into the door again. Paradox continues watching.

PARADOX: He's not gonna make it.

Cut to TVA headquarters. A monitor displays the degrading timeline integrity. Wolverine continues trying to break in. Deadpool continues to struggle.

PARADOX: It's over.

As time is about to run out, Deadpool's outstretched hand is grabbed by Wolverine. He extends his claws to close the gap. As the feeds connect through the duo, "Like a Prayer" by Madonna resumes. The upper half of Wolverine's costume explodes. Deadpool admires Wolverine's abs. Both of their bodies glow. The monitor in TVA headquarters shows the timeline's integrity increasing. The power of the device begins to drain from Cassandra. Deadpool and Wolverines' bodies begin to tear apart. Cassandra fights their efforts. The timeline integrity fluctuates. The music fades. Cut to just Wolverine.

DEADPOOL: (Voiceover) The Wolverine…

Cut to Wolverine in the field in his mind.

DEADPOOL: (Voiceover) …is a hero in my world.

Cut to Wolverine picking up the photo from Deadpool's birthday.

WOLVERINE: (Voiceover) Whoever you think I am, you got the wrong guy.

LAURA: (Voiceover) You were always the wrong guy. Till you weren't.

Cut to just Deadpool.

PARADOX: (Voiceover) Wade.

Cut to Deadpool looking at his costume in Peter's locker at work.

DEADPOOL: (Voiceover) Wade, you can finally, finally, matter.

Cut to Deadpool's birthday party. Everyone disappears from the shot, leaving an empty room. Cut to Deadpool and Vanessa kissing. Cut to him restrained in Francis's facility.

DEADPOOL: Vanessa.

Cut to a shot of Vanessa extending her hand to Deadpool, then to them talking at the party.

DEADPOOL: (Voiceover) I wanna see Vanessa.

Vanessa and the others disappear from the shot, leaving Deadpool alone in his apartment.

WOLVERINE: (Voiceover) For the first time in my life, I am proud.

Cut to the Void.

WOLVERINE: To wear this suit. It means I'm an X-Man. I am the X-Man.

Cut back to the Time-Ripper's feeds. Wolverine and Deadpool nod at each other. The music picks back up as they cry out. Cut to an aerial shot. The camera spins around. Cassandra begins to jerk around as the timeline's integrity increases rapidly. Deadpool and Wolverine begin to jerk as well. As the timeline reaches one hundred percent integrity, the Time-Ripper explodes and Cassandra appears to be obliterated. The room with the matter and antimatter feeds appears destroyed and empty. Paradox walks around the decimated subway station.

HUNTER B-15: Paradox!

Hunter B-15 and several TVA agents enter the subway station.

HUNTER B-15: You've been busy.

PARADOX: Well, somebody has been.

HUNTER B-15: We had some strange readings from this location. You wouldn't know anything about an unsanctioned Time-Ripper, would you?

PARADOX: Uh, no, no, I wouldn't know anything about an unsanctioned Time-Ripper. Maybe you should ask Cassandra Nova, because I was assured that she was safely held in the Void. But no, she was here and she fondled my brain. How did you let this happen?

HUNTER B-15: You weren't involved at all?

PARADOX: In stopping her, yes, yes, I was. But not nearly enough. Not as much as the men who went down there after her. My men, my friends, I warned them that they would be completely obliterated if they went, but they went anyway, like, like heroes. Because that's who they were.

As he continues, cut through the ruined subway station and then to Deadpool's birthday photo

PARADOX: (Voiceover) They just did what they had to do with no concern for their own safety.

Cut back to the conversation.

PARADOX: The fact that we are all still standing here is a testament to their heroism. Anyway, there's nothing you or I can do to bring them back now.

There's a beat.

DEADPOOL: He has risen, baby girl!

PARADOX: Fuck!

"Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls begins playing. Cut to Deadpool and Wolverine as they round a corner into the room. Ralph watches with his mouth agape.

DEADPOOL: Found your new Anchor Being.

WOLVERINE: And we're doing just fine, you piece of shit.

RALPH: Mm-mm.

TVA AGENT: Fine indeed.

DEADPOOL: All right, put your greasy tits away, you preening slut.

Deadpool hands Wolverine a TVA jacket. The TVA agent sighs.

PARADOX: I don't understand. How are you two still alive?

Wolverine hands Ralph his mask.

DEADPOOL: You're right, one of us would have been killed. But you put a Deadpool and a Wolverine together, make them hold hands while listening to Madonna? Indestructible motherfucker.

Wolverine puts on the jacket.

HUNTER B-15: Let's get this Deadpool variant back to the Void.

DEADPOOL: Wait, hold on, what?

PETER: Nope, actually, this one's homegrown.

Peter rushes in, still in costume.

PETER: Like me. He belongs here.

HUNTER B-15: And you are?

PETER: Peterpool. But you can call me Peter. And I hope that you do.

Peter and Hunter B-15 share a long look.

PARADOX: What the fuck is happening here?

HUNTER B-15: You are under judgment for operating an unsanctioned Time-Ripper. Take him.

She types something into a pad.

PARADOX: I was just doing what you don't have the guts to do!

Two TVA agents grab him. Deadpool blows him a kiss as he is dragged away.

PARADOX: Get your insolent hands off me! Get off!

HUNTER B-15: I'm grateful, gentlemen.

Deadpool bows.

HUNTER B-15: Let's hold the bows. You led an Omega-level mutant to this timeline.

DEADPOOL: You're welcome.

She turns to Wolverine.

HUNTER B-15: And you shouldn't even be near this timeline.

DEADPOOL: He's welcome.

She turns to Peter.

HUNTER B-15: And you look damn good in that suit.

PETER: I'm so sorry.

She looks down at a visualization of the timeline on her pad.

HUNTER B-15: I wanna show you something. Something huge.

DEADPOOL: That's what Scoutmaster Kevin used to say.

HUNTER B-15: Do you see that?

She holds up her pad.

HUNTER B-15: Your universe is regenerating. Whatever you did here, you not only saved your world, you spared your timeline from extinction. I'd rest up. I have a feeling your work is only just getting started.

Deadpool leans into Wolverine's ear.

DEADPOOL: (Whispering) Till you're 90. Wait! Um, we couldn't have made it out of the Void without some help from some people that the world kinda forgot. Is there any way that you could maybe find a way to bring them home?

HUNTER B-15: I'll see what I can do.

DEADPOOL: And, uh, I promised my friend here that the TVA could undo some pretty awful shit in his timeline. What would you say to that?

HUNTER B-15: Change the past?

DEADPOOL: He did help me save the world.

HUNTER B-15: And his past made him the man who did it. There's nothing to fix, Mr. Wilson. Logan.

She leaves.

DEADPOOL: Shawarma?

WOLVERINE: I could eat now.

Cut to a wide shot of the city. Cut to street level. The bus destroyed in the fight with the Deadpool corps is towed away to reveal Deadpool and Wolverine sitting on a bench eating shawarma.

DEADPOOL: You know the Avengers discovered shawarma.

WOLVERINE: They'd be lucky to have you.

Deadpool smiles. They both hear barking. Cut to Dogpool running towards them.

DEADPOOL: Oh.

WOLVERINE: Oh, come on.

DEADPOOL: Fuck off!

Deadpool claps. Cut to a wide shot of the street showing emergency services at work. Dogpool runs into Deadpool's arms.

DEADPOOL: Come here my little cunchkin. Yes it's you! You're a survivor! Oh, all is right in the world. Yes it is. So what are you gonna do next?

WOLVERINE: I'll figure it out. I always do.

DEADPOOL: All right. So, I'll probably see you around?

"You're All I Need to Get By" by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell begins to play.

WOLVERINE: Probably not. See you, bub.

He pets Dogpool and leaves. After a few moments, Deadpool gets up and calls after him.

DEADPOOL: Logan!

Wolverine turns back around.

CUT TO: INT. DEADPOOL'S APARTMENT

Deadpool opens the door. Wolverine enters behind him.

DEADPOOL: Al, I'm back.

Al enters from another room.

BLIND AL: About damn time! You holdin'? I'm all out of devil's dandruff and I'm shaking like an angry vibrator.

DEADPOOL: Thank you, Al. We have company. Althea, this is, this is Logan.

BLIND AL: Nice to meet you, Logan.

WOLVERINE: Nice to meet you too.

DEADPOOL: And this little ancient, anal shit-knot is Mary Puppins. Or as I like to call her, Dogpool. You wanna treat yourself to a little stroke? Get the tongue.

Blind Al hesitantly reaches her hand out and recoils as she touches Dogpool.

BLIND AL: Oh my God, motherfucker!

DEADPOOL: Right? It's like an armadillo fucked a gremlin, angrily, in a bed of gonorrhea, and didn't stop till the sun came up.

He and Wolverine laugh. Cut to the apartment at a later date. Deadpool sits with Dogpool in his lap. Wolverine sits next to him.

DEADPOOL: (Voiceover) Everyone wants to matter. Turns out that you don't need to be Marvel Jesus to do it.

Cut around the room to Deadpool's friends as they hang out.

DEADPOOL: (Voiceover) You just need to open your eyes and look around. And if you're lucky, you'll find a few friends. Old friends and some new ones too.

Cut to reveal Laura in the room with them. Deadpool looks at Vanessa next to him.

WOLVERINE: Give me the fucking dog, talk to the girl.

Deadpool stares wide-eyed at Wolverine and hands him Dogpool before turning to Vanessa.

VANESSA: Oh, hi.

DEADPOOL: Hi.

VANESSA: You've been busy?

DEADPOOL: I did it for you. And even if you don't want me, I did it for you.

She takes his hand. They smile at each other.

DEADPOOL: (Voiceover) Turns out, I am the world's saving type. Just look around this table if you want proof.

As he continues, the shot pans from the group at the table to his and Wolverine's masks sitting on the kitchen counter.

DEADPOOL: (Voiceover) And the best part, sometimes the people we save, they save us right back.

END CREDITS

CUT TO: TVA HEADQUARTERS

Cut to Deadpool standing in the TVA's control room.

DEADPOOL: I'm tired of these absolutely vile rumors that I got Johnny killed. Let's look at the tape.

He holds up a TVA remote and pulls footage up onto the main display. Black-and-white video of Johnny talking to Deadpool and Wolverine in Pyro's convoy plays.

JOHNNY: (On-screen) In the Void, you're either food for Alioth, or you work for her.

Cut to the convoy.

DEADPOOL: Go on, Johnny.

JOHNNY: And I'll tell you who "her" is. Cassandra Nova, a megalomaniacal psychotic asshole. A finger-licking, dead inside pixie slab of third rate dime store nut-milk. And I'll tell you what she can do.

DEADPOOL: I'm listening.

JOHNNY: She can lick my goddamn cinnamon ring clean and kick rocks all the way to bald hell. In fact, I don't give a shit if she removes all my skin and pops me like some nightmarish blood balloon. If the last thing I do in this God-forsaken, cum-gutter existence is light that fuck box on
fire, I still won't die happy.

DEADPOOL: Holy shit, girl, you crazy.

JOHNNY: That's right, Wade. I won't be happy until I've urinated on her freshly barbecued corpse and husk-fucked the charred remains while gargling Juggernaut's juggin' nuts.

DEADPOOL: Wow.

JOHNNY: And you can quote me.

DEADPOOL: 'Kay.

Cut back to the TVA control room. Deadpool turns the footage off.

DEADPOOL: Gotcha, fuck face.

He walks out of frame.

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