[HAROLD, spoken]
No wide-eyed, eager
Wholesome innocent Sunday school teacher for me
That kinda girl spins webs no spider ever—
Listen, boy—
A girl who trades on all that purity
Merely wants to trade my independence
For her security

[HAROLD]
The only affirmative she will file
Refers to marching down the aisle

No golden, glorious, gleaming pristine goddess
No, sir!
For no Diana do I play faun
I can tell you that right now

I snarl, I hiss
How can ignorance be compared to bliss?
I spark, I fizz
For the lady who knows what time it is
I cheer, I rave
For the virtue I'm too late to save
The sadder but wiser girl for me
No bright-eyed, blushing
Breathless baby-doll baby
No, sir!
That kinda child ties knots
No sailor ever knew

I prefer to take a chance
On a more adult romance
No dewy young miss who keeps resisting
All the time she keeps insisting

No wide-eyed, wholesome
Innocent female
No, sir!
Why, she's the fisherman
I'm the fish, you see?
Plop!

I flinch, I shy
When the lass with the delicate air goes by
I smile, I grin
When the gal with a touch of sin walks in
I shout

[MARCELLUS]
"At last!"
[HAROLD]
For the lady with a bitter past

[HAROLD & MARCELLUS]
The sadder-but-wiser girl's the girl for me
The sadder-but-wiser girl for me

[HAROLD]
No darling, adorable, true bein' chickadee

[MARCELLUS]
No, sir!

[HAROLD]
Not for me
You'll wake up in a coop some morning
To a cackle no rooster ever crooned

[MARCELLUS]
Caw-caw-caw!

[HAROLD]
I select a little more warily
Forever mine, forever true, but temporarily

The rainbow always goes away
To come again some other day
No wide-eyed, eager
Wholesome innocent female

[MARCELLUS]
No, sir!

[HAROLD]
Her victims fall like
Apples from her tree

[MARCELLUS]
Plop!

[HAROLD]
Plop!

[MARCELLUS]
Plop!

[HAROLD]
I flinch

[MARCELLUS]
I shy

[HAROLD]
I smile

[MARCELLUS]
I grin

[HAROLD & MARCELLUS]
I hope, I pray

[HAROLD]
For Hester to win just one more "A"

[MARCELLUS, spoken]
Woo! Here we go, Greg!

[HAROLD, spoken]
Come on!

[HAROLD & MARCELLUS]
The sadder-but-wiser girl's the girl for me
The sadder-but-wiser girl for me