[BANDLEADER]
For her first number, Miss Roxie Hart would like to sing a song of love and devotion dedicated to her dear husband, Amos

[ROXIE]
Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong
But he doesn't care, he'll string along
He loves me so, that funny honey of mine

Sometimes I'm down, sometimes I'm up
But he follows 'round like some droopy-eyed pup
He loves me so, that funny honey of mine

He ain't no sheik
That's no great physique
And Lord knows he ain't got the smarts
But look at that soul
I tell you, that whole
Is a whole lot greater than the sum of his parts
And if you knew him like me
I know you'd agree

What if the world slandered my name?
Why, he'd be right there, taking the blame
He loves me so and it all suits me fine
That funny, sunny, honey, hubby of mine
[AMOS, spoken]
I mean, supposin'— just supposin' he had violated her or somethin'— you know what I mean? Violated—

[POLICEMAN, spoken]
I know what you mean

[AMOS, spoken]
—or somethin'? Think how terrible that would've been
It's a good thing I got home from work on time, I'm telling you that

[ROXIE]
He loves me so, that funny honey of mine

[AMOS, spoken]
I say, I'm telling you that

[AMOS, spoken & POLICEMAN, spoken]
Name of deceased: Fred Casely
Fred Casely? How could he be a burglar?
My wife knows him, he sold us our furniture
He gave us ten percent off

[ROXIE]
Lord knows he ain't got the smarts

[AMOS, spoken & POLICEMAN, spoken]
You told me he was a burglar
You mean he was dead when you got home?
She had him covered in a sheet
And she's tellin' me some cock and bull story about this burglar
And how I ought to say I did it 'cause I was sure to get off
"Help me, Amos," she says, "It's my goddamn hour of need"
[ROXIE]
Now he shot off his trap
I can't stand that sap

[ROXIE & AMOS, spoken]
Look at him go, rattin' on me (And I believed her, that cheap little tramp)
So she was two-timin' me, huh?
With just one more brain, what a half-wit he'd be (Well, I'm through protecting her now, she can swing for all I care)
Boy, I'm down at the garage workin' my butt off fourteen hours a day and she's out there munchin' on bon-bons and trampin' around like some goddamn floozy
If they string me up, well, I'll know who brought the twine
Thought she could pull the wool over my eyes, huh?
That scummy, crummy, dummy hubby of mine (I wasn't born yesterday, I tell ya, there are some things a man just can't take, and this time, she pushed me too far)
That little chiseler
Boy, what a sap I was