[Transcribing]
CUT TO: EXT. SMITH RESIDENCE
Outside, there is snow on the ground. The Smith house is decorated for Christmas, and Jerry can be heard.
JERRY: (Singing) Last King Christmas last arrived!
CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN
The kitchen is a mess of food in various stages of preparation. Jerry pulls a ham out of the oven as he sings.
JERRY: (Singing) In the Christmas Christmas! (Stops singing and smells the ham) Mmm… Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham.
Jerry enters the living room, where a tree stands with presents underneath it. Beth and Morty are occupied on tablets while Summer uses her smartphone.
JERRY: Um, Merry Christmas? (Puts his hands on his hips) Hello? My parents are coming over for the first time in years! Can we stow the gadgets and look alive?
BETH: Alive? For your parents?
Jerry snags her tablet away and stows it in a stocking.
JERRY: Good one.
BETH: Hey man!
JERRY: You 'hey man'! This holiday is about humanity.
MORTY: (Not looking up from his tablet) You know, I thought it was about being born half-God or something.
JERRY: Okay, whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking. Now.
MORTY: (Hands over his tablet) Ohhhh…
SUMMER: Dad, I'm not giving you my phone.
JERRY: Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.
Summer gasps and drops her phone in the stocking.
RICK: (Offscreen) Ho-ho-ho, everybody.
Rick and Ruben enter the house and Jerry approaches them.
JERRY: More like whoa-whoa-whoa. What is this? My parents are coming!
RICK: Calm down Jerry, this is Ruben, an old friend.
RUBEN: Pearl Harbor.
RICK: I check in on him once a year and give him a little *burp* medical (Burp) evaluation.
BETH: Aw, Dad… That is so sweet.
JERRY: (Squinting suspiciously) Yeah, it is… I don't get it.
RUBEN: Korea.
RICK: Don't worry about your C-C-Christmas, Jerry. (Leads Ruben away) Ruben and I'll be in my workshop while you have another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise.
Rick and Ruben head out to the garage.
JERRY: Huh. You think you know a guy. (The doorbell rings) Okay, there's my parents. Now, remember, no TV, no phones, no laptops, we are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. (Opens the door) Hey, hey!
Leonard and Joyce walk in.
Leonard: Merry Christmas, son.
(Jerry, not noticing Jacob, almost closes the door on him, then opens it back up.)
Jerry: Oh, hi. Can I help you?
Joyce: Jerry, this is Jacob. *takes Jacob by the arm* Didn't you get our text message?
Beth, Summer, and Morty: No.
Jacob: You must be Jerry! That's a fine lookin' apron. William Sonoma?
Jerry: *smiling uncomfortably* I wish… But thank you. *closes the door* So… you're a…friend of the family…?
Leonard: *puts an arm around Jacob's shoulders* The way we see it, he's a part of the family.
Jerry: Wow!
Joyce: After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle, we looked at life and wondered how have we spent it? And how do we spend the rest of it? What are we going to be when we die? A list of fears and questions, or a collection of real experiences?
Beth: Holy crap, Joyce. That's amazing.
Leonard: Then Jacob came into our lives. We're learning to live again.
(Jacob puts his arms around Joyce and Leonard.)
Jacob: All three of us.
(Joyce, Leonard, and Jacob giggle. Jerry stares at them, confused and uncomfortable.)
Jerry: …Cool… Eggnog?
Jacob: Now we are talkin'! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh?
(All laugh. Rick enters and starts laughing with the rest.)
Rick: Hi Joyce, Leonard. *looks at Jacob* Hello there.
Jacob: Merry Christmas, man.
Rick: Morty! A moment of your time?
[Trans. Rick's garage]
(Ruben is in fits, laid out on a ping-pong table. He's naked besides a towel over his genitals and his Santa hat.)
Rick: He's in bad shape, Morty.
Morty: Aw geez, Rick! What did you do?
Rick: Gee, thanks Morty. What kind of monster do you think I am? I-I'm sittin' here trying to save the guy's life! (Rick straps a pack with a tube onto Morty's back and puts an earpiece on his head.) I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's goin' on.
Morty: *extremely nervous* Uh… W-W-Where do I find Dr. Bloom?
Rick: In Ruben. *shoves a glass oxygen mask onto Morty's head*
Morty: Ruben… Minnesota?
Rick: Ruben on the table, Morty! *hooks up the backpack to the helmet* Look, I-I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. *pulls a shrink ray into view and plugs it in* Hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse.
(Rick sets Morty under the shrink ray.)
Morty: W-What proc—
(Rick activates the shrink ray and Morty shrieks as he's shrunk down to a microscopic size. Rick picks up the container Morty shrank into and puts it into a syringe, which he stabs into Ruben's chest. Just then, Beth enters the garage.)
Beth: Hey Dad, where's Morty?
Rick: He's busy.
[Trans. Int. Ruben's body]
(Morty continues screaming as he is injected into the body in a stream of pink fluid. He lands on something soft and abruptly stops shouting.)
Rick (through Morty's earpiece): Morty, can you hear me? Head North!
Morty: Rick… Where am I?
[Trans. Garage]
Rick: *adjusts his own headset as he stands in the garage* Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance.
Morty (through Rick's earpiece): The entrance to what?
Rick: Welcome, Morty. (The scene cuts back to Morty's view from inside Ruben.) Welcome… (Morty gasps.) …to Anatomy Park!
(The view pans to show an amusement park with a large Anatomy Park sign and various attractions and exhibits.)
Rick: It's a little business venture I've been cookin' up on the side with Dr. Bloom. (Morty enters the park.) An amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't cheap, Morty. This should really help put a dent in the overhead.
Morty: Oh my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates of the Pancreas?
Rick: You got a problem with that last one, Morty?
Morty: Huh? No, no, I'm just reading them out loud in the order I'm seeing them.
Rick: Okay, alright, if I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates of the Pancreas was my baby.
[Trans. Garage]
Rick: I-I got a lot of push-back when I pitched it, Morty. I guess I'm still a little defensive. Let's just find Dr. Bloom, alright? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Morty.
[Trans. Anatomy Park.]
Rick: Proceed to the liver.
(Following a sign posting directions, Morty hurries off in the direction of the 'Haunted Liver,' taking a shuttle to 'Lower Abdomenland'.)
Automated voice: Arriving at 'Liver'.
Morty: *stumbles forward and hits his helmet on the window* Ow!
Automated voice: Mind the gap.
(Morty exits the train and enters a dark, unkempt area with flickering lights.)
Morty: It's really scary in here, Rick.
Rick: Liver's under maintenance. Ruben's seen some rough years, Morty. Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great.
[Trans. Int. Haunted Liver]
(Morty enters a haunted house-style attraction. An animatronic wolf suddenly springs up behind him.)
Morty: OOOOHHH! Rick, it's a monster!
Rick: No no, Morty. The only monster here is alco— *belch* —holism. (The wolf is mechanically pulled back into the wall.) That is an animatronic werewolf.
(A hand reaches from around the corner and a large, muscular man with a thick accent grips Morty by the throat, lifting him up and pinning him to the wall with his forearm.)
Poncho: Who are you? Answer me! Where did you come from?
Morty: Mmm! M-M-My-my-my Grandpa Rick sent me!
Dr. Bloom: Poncho! That's quite enough.
(Dr. Bloom walks into the room. He appears to be a blob of goo in a roughly human shape with glasses and a walking cane. Poncho glares, then reluctantly lets Morty fall to the ground.)
Dr. Bloom: Morty, that's Poncho. (Another man and a girl walk into the room.) This is Roger and Annie.
Morty: *staring sheepishly at Annie* Oh…
Dr. Bloom: And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom.
(A speaker apparatus emerges from Morty's helmet. Rick speaks through it.)
Rick: Hey Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's goin' on here?
Dr. Bloom: I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down. And I'm afraid the exhibits are unlocked.
(Rick's speaker retreats into Morty's helmet.)
Morty: Exhibits?
[Trans. Ext. Haunted Liver]
Dr. Bloom: Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the Pirates of the Pancreas.
Rick: Watch it.
Dr. Bloom: It is first and foremost a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases.
Morty: Diseases?!
(There's a distant roaring noise.)
Poncho: Hey Doc, I have news for ya. (Hepatitis A lumbers towards the group.) Your living museum is officially a wild safari!
(Poncho begins shooting at Hepatitis A.)
Roger: Hepatitis A! Run!
(The entire group screams and flees.)
[Trans. Dining room]
(The Smith family, sans Rick and Morty, are seated for dinner with Joyce, Leonard, and Jacob.)
Jacob: Oh… *leans over and wipes some food from Joyce's mouth with a napkin* The food goes in your mouth, girl!
(All laugh, but Jerry's laugh is forced.)
Jerry: Aha… I'm sorry Jacob, I guess I'm still confused about the precise nature and origin of your relationship with my parents. Are you like a—Are you like their caretaker? Is that what it is?
Joyce: We can go into detail later, son.
Leonard: Now wait, there, there's no point to secrecy. Let's all live and die honestly. Your mother and I have shared forty years of each other, mind, body, and soul. (Jerry and Jacob smile at each other, but when Jacob looks away, Jerry's smile becomes a glare.) And when minds and souls are joined for eternity, and when eternity is at the door, it's an invitation to let go of the body, and an opportunity to share and experiment.
Jerry: Dad, please, what are you saying?
Beth: Whatever it is, it's beautiful Leonard. *glares at Jerry* And we support you.
Jerry: Speak for yourself! Because it, heheh, it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover.
Leonard: No no no no no no. (Jerry sighs in relief.) Jacob is your mother's lover. (Jerry again looks disturbed.) I watch them. Sometimes from a chair, sometimes from a closet. Almost always dressed as Superman.
(Joyce kisses Leonard's cheek and the two hold hands, looking at each other fondly.)
Jacob: Oh… *reaches across the table and puts a hand atop theirs*
(Summer and Beth smile. Jerry stares, at a loss for words.)
Jacob: Jerry, this ham's got to be all you, right? It's in-cred-i-ble.
Summer: *smirks* Happy human holiday, Dad.
(Jerry appears more despondent than ever.)
[Trans. Anatomy Park]
(Poncho continues shooting at Hepatitis A.)
Poncho: AHHHHHH!
(The whole group rushes through a door before entering a code and shutting it.)
Dr. Bloom: Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system!
(They enter to a set of doors under a sign reading 'Alveoli Forest'. Roger examines a meter near the door.)
Roger: That's strange… *taps the meter* Air flow is down twenty percent.
Dr. Bloom: So the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security is offline.
Morty: W-Well, I guess we better check it out.
(The group passes through the doors. As the doors are closing, Alexander, dressed in a dog mascot costume, rushes up and passes through.)
Alexander: Hey, wait for me! *removes the head of his costume*
Dr. Bloom: *points his cane at Alexander* Put that back on!
(Alexander pauses a moment before putting the dog head back on. The whole group examines the area.)
Roger: If we got up to the bronchial catwalk, we could look for blockage.
Morty: *raises his hand* I'll go. *glances at Annie* Heheh…
(Morty jumps onto one of the bouncy, round alveoli and clings to it.)
Poncho: Don't be a hero, kid.
Morty: I'm not. I'm doin' it because it's fun. *he hops from frond to frond*
Poncho: *cocks his gun* We shouldn't be here.
Dr. Bloom: Whatever you do, don't fire that thing in here! We must save Ruben. This is my life's work.
(Annie touches a growth of bacteria on some tar, which squelches, causing her to gasp in fear and recoil.)
Annie: Ah!
Dr. Bloom: It's alright, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain of this bacteria, but the scar tissue… *prods it with his cane, seeing something has escaped from the scar tissue* …keeps them dormant. *looks up toward Morty, who is getting close to the catwalk* Morty! Get down!
Morty: Whoa! *grabs hold of the catwalk as a fluid drips down onto it* Whoa!
(Tuberculosis begins crawling towards him. He lets go of the catwalk and bounces back down to the group, pursued by the disease.)
Morty: Oh! What are those things?!
Dr. Bloom: Tuberculosis, coming in fast!
Poncho: *raises gun and starts shooting at the disease* Not faster than a bullet! Ahh!
Dr. Bloom: *grabs Poncho's arm* No! Do you know what you've done?!
[Trans. Garage]
(Ruben coughs.)
[Trans. Lungs]
(The force of the cough lifts the whole group off the ground, then they fall back down.)
Dr. Bloom: Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing!
(The group starts running.)
[Trans. Garage]
(Ruben coughs several times again.)
[Trans. Lungs]
(The group all manages to push through besides Alexander. Morty rushes back to help him as his dog mask is blown from his face. Morty grabs a frond and reaches for Alexander's hand.)
Alexander: Waaaah! Don't let me die!
[Trans. Garage]
(Rick looks down over Ruben's mouth.)
Rick: Just take a deep breath, Ruben.
(Ruben inhales deeply.)
[Trans. Lungs]
Morty: You're not gonna die! What's your name?
Alexander: My name is… *his hand slips from Morty's and he's coughed up* ALEXANDEEEEEEEER!
(Alexander's skin and soft tissue are peeled off as Ruben coughs into Rick's face, getting some spittle, including Alexander, on Rick's forehead.)
(The group, minus the now-dead Alexander, escape the respiratory system. Morty presses the speaker on his helmet.)
Morty: Rick! Ruben's got tuberculosis!
[Trans. Garage]
Rick: Oh, great work, Morty. *pulls a massive syringe form his lab coat* I'll just cure it, and then—
(Ruben's heart monitor flatlines. Rick tosses the syringe over his shoulder.)
Rick: Okay. Well I can't cure death. This is bad, Morty. You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, if the situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor—
[Trans. Anatomy Park]
Rick: —and hop by Pirates of the Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but, I think it's great, Morty.
[Trans. Garage]
Rick: *sitting in a lounge chair, pulls out a flask* It's a bunch of pirates runnin' around a-a-a- pancreas. We don't whitewash it either, Morty. The pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get you guys out of there, but I'm just saying, if that becomes impossible—
[Trans. Anatomy Park]
(The group listens to Rick, all looking glum.)
Rick: —please, you gotta treat yourself.
(The group is headed to the digestive tract.)
Morty: Geez, what's that horrible smell?
Dr. Bloom: You mean the Panda Express? *chuckles* Kidding, I-I'm kidding. (As he speaks, Poncho and Roger stock up on bottled water from the Panda Express.) The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy. Anatomy Park is doomed.
Morty: Forget about the park, Doctor! How do we get out?!
Dr. Bloom: The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it? There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all.
Morty: Everybody! Get to the colon!
Poncho: Now I'm takin' orders from a twelve-year-old boy?!
(As they walk, Dr. Bloom speaks privately with Morty.)
Dr. Bloom: Morty. The scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged. This disaster was an inside job. Keep your eyes on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the churro stand.
Roger: Intestines are ahead to the left. Then the right. Then left. Et cetera.
(Morty slows to walk beside Annie.)
Morty: Hey, just so you know, I-I'm actually fourteen. So, you know…
Annie: What?
Morty: Not twelve.
Annie: Okay.
Morty: Because he just said I was twelve.
Annie: Oh. Good for you.
(She walks ahead of him.)
Rick (through speaker): Oh. Oh, Morty. Strike one.
Morty: *slumps forward* Nnn…
[Trans. Small intestine]
(The group travel down the small intestine in a raft, surrounded by animatronics singing 'It's a Small, Small Intestine.')
Animatronics: *singing* It's a road of laughter, a trail of food. It's a pathway that breaks up the fat in food. It's a tube in the chest and it sends out the rest. It's a small, small intestine!
Roger: It goes on like this for miles…
Dr. Bloom: *excitedly* And then we get to the large intestine!
(A low rumbling can be heard.)
Poncho: Shh. *shines flashlight* I hear something.
(Gonorrhea rises up from the river of waste.)
Dr. Bloom: *whispers* Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move.
(Gonorrhea roars viciously and moves towards them.)
Dr. Bloom: Wait! I was wrong! I was thinking of a T-rex.
(Poncho pulls out a gun, but before he can fire, Gonorrhea capsizes the boat and they all fall overboard. They swim to the 'shore' on the side of the intestine.)
Annie: We're sitting ducks!
Morty: Doc! Didn't you say the body was filling up with gas?
Dr. Bloom: Yes. Why?
Poncho: Kid! You're a genius! *pulls out a match*
Dr. Bloom: Are you mad?!
Morty: *grabs Annie's hand* Everybody! In here!
(They all rush into a cavity in the intestinal lining. Poncho lights the match.)
Poncho: Hey Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation?
(He throws the match towards the disease, where it ignites the gas and causes an explosion. Gonorrhea falls down, dead. Annie hugs Morty, who laughs.)
[Trans. Smith family living room]
(Leonard, Summer, Joyce, Jacob, Beth, and Jerry sit in a semicircle on the carpet. Jerry scowls and slumps. Leonard is playing a set of bongos while Summer sings.)
Summer: *singing* Drummer, drum, drum, drum! Drummer, drum, drum drum drum, Christmas drums!
Leonard: Oh, Summer. Sing it! Haha.
Summer: Christmas drums being played by a boy!
(Beth is clapping along when she notices Jerry sulking. She puts an arm around him.)
Beth: Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted.
Jerry: I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad.
Beth: What? Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here.
(Ethan walks up to the sliding glass doors and lets himself into the house.)
Ethan: Ugh… Summer!
Summer: *stands up* Ethan, what are you doing here?
Ethan: I've been texting you for hours. What the hell?!
Summer: I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday!
Ethan: Did you even consider how that might make me feel?
Summer: How you feel? Why is everything always happening to you?!
Jerry: *stands up* Summer, do you have a boyfriend?
Ethan: Yeah, do you, Summer?
Summer: I don't know Ethan, do I?
Jacob: *stands up and puts a hand on Ethan and Summer's shoulders* Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man.
(Jerry stares at him, flabbergasted.)
[Trans. Anatomy Park]
(The group runs through another metal security door and hurry down a platform to a growth ray.)
Roger: I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray back online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes. I just hope Ruben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery.
(Something roars in the distance, causing the area to rumble.)
Poncho: What the hell is that?
Dr. Bloom: The sphincter dam. We built it when Ruben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse-load.
(The dam is clearly close to giving way. Roger keeps working to get the growth ray active.)
Roger: Almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle!
(Morty notices a strange, black creature in Poncho's backpack.)
Morty: Poncho? What is this in your backpack?
(Poncho turns around to face Morty, giving Dr. Bloom a view of the creature.)
Dr. Bloom: That's bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho?
(Poncho grabs hold of Annie and holds a knife to her throat. Annie gasps and tries to kick free.)
Poncho: Everybody get back!
Dr. Bloom: Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me?
Poncho: *laughs* That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder. Al Quaeda. North Korea. Republicans! Shriners! Balding men that work out! People on the Internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers! Anything is better than working for you! *points the knife at Dr. Bloom* You pompous, negligent, iTunes Gift Card as a holiday bonus-giving—
Morty: AHHHHH!!!
(Morty leaps up and grabs onto Poncho's helmet, allowing Annie to escape. He punches Poncho repeatedly before Poncho pulls him off his face and throws him to the ground, where Roger helps him up. Poncho laughs evilly, but stops short when Bubonic Plague bites his shoulder.)
Poncho: Ah! Eh! Get! Get off! *he backs up and falls over the railing* Ahhhh!
(The four remaining look over the edge as he falls to his death. Just then, the sphincter dam begins groaning, almost giving way.)
Annie: You guys!
Roger: It's gonna burst! *urges the others on* Go! Go, go, go! *pulls a lever before trying to run after the others but catches his foot in some of the machinery* My foot is stuck!
(Morty holds Annie back as she makes to help Roger.)
Annie: No!
Roger: This is okay! It's okay, just go! Tell my family I love them! They may be hard to find because my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it too, so, I dunno, you could goo—
(Just then, the dam bursts, drowning Roger in Ruben's excrement.)
Annie: No!
(Dr. Bloom seals the door to the chamber and Annie hugs Morty, distraught and crying.)
[Trans. Smith family living room]
(Leonard, Joyce, and Beth sit on the chair and sofa, Jerry and Summer stand, and Jacob kneels with Ethan in the center of the room.)
Jacob: Let me ask you something Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man?
Ethan: From Summer being a total bitch!
(Jacob takes hold of Ethan's cheeks and forces him to make eye contact.)
Jacob: Where's the anger coming from?
Ethan: …My brother… took me fishing once…in the bushes… *voice begins choking up as tears fill his eyes* I can't… I can't! *covers his eyes as he starts to cry* He made me feel like a girl! *sobbing openly* I'm… m-made me a girl!
(Jacob helps Ethan up to his feet.)
Jacob: He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. *gestures to Summer* She is who she is. (Summer watches on with a sympathetic expression.) Now you go to her. Brand new.
(Ethan walks over to Summer.)
Ethan: Come here right now!
Summer: Oh my god, I'm so sorry Ethan! *they hug* I love you!
Ethan: I love you so much.
(The two begin making out. Everyone claps besides Jerry.)
Jerry: Um…
Joyce: You did it again, cubby. Come here.
(Joyce and Jacob begin to kiss. Jerry looks to the easy chair to see Leonard has gotten up and is backing into the closet, unbuttoning his shirt to reveal a Superman costume underneath.)
Jerry: No! Stop! I hate this!
(Beth, Joyce, and Jacob glare at him.)
Joyce: Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son.
Jerry: Well then, I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame.
(He walks out. Summer and Ethan and Joyce and Jacob continue kissing.)
[Trans. Anatomy Park]
(The three survivors are in a small theater where an animatronic Ruben gives a presentation. Morty and Annie have their helmets off and are making out, and Dr. Bloom sits a few seats away eating ice cream.)
Animatronic Ruben: My name's Ruben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end of this journey, I'll be inside all of you.
(Dr. Bloom appears to miss every other bite of ice cream, probably due to his semi-aqueous form.)
Animatronic Ruben: My story begins in the dot com crash in the early '90s.
(The animatronic sparks, then goes limp.)
Annie: *whispering to Morty* You can put your fingers wherever you want…
Rick (through speaker): Morty, you wanna put it on mute or something? (Annie and Morty both look at Morty's helmet, startled.)
[Trans. Garage]
(Rick is working on a computer, still talking to Morty through his headset.)
Rick: I'm trying to concentrate.
(Jerry wanders to the door.)
Jerry: Ah, Rick?
Rick: *holds up a hand without even looking over at him* Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry.
Jerry: *enters anyway* I wanted to say I'm sorry I ever judged you. *leans on the ping pong table, looking down at Ruben's corpse* Right now, you're my sanest relative.
(Rick, who had been typing away, suddenly pauses.)
Rick: Relative… That's it! Relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite! *into his headset* Morty! Can you get to the left nipple?
[Trans. Anatomy Park]
(Annie is in Morty's lap.)
Morty: Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of them, Rick.
Rick (through speaker): Morty, I'm talkin' about Ruben's left nipple!
(The area begins to rumble and cave in. Morty lifts Annie off his lap and both put on their helmets.)
Morty: We need to get to the left nipple!
Dr. Bloom: The body is decaying! (Bits of debris begin to fall from the 'ceiling'.) The arterial transit system is useless! We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the Bone Train. *to Annie* Would you like to ride the Bone Train, miss?
Annie: If it'll get us out of here.
Dr. Bloom: How about you, Morty? Would you like to ride the Bone Train?
Morty: Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die. Let's go.
[Trans. Garage]
(Jerry looks on as Rick inserts a bundle of dynamite into an incision on Ruben's abdomen. He takes a few steps back toward the door back to the house.)
Jerry: Well, I can see that you're busy… Merry Christmas, Rick.
(Rick lifts Ruben's corpse from the table and heads out to the car, dumping Ruben's body inside.)
[Trans. Anatomy Park: the Bone Train]
Dr. Bloom: There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually.
(Morty and Annie glance at each other, then look back at Dr. Bloom. Dr. Bloom glances at each of the teenagers. Morty and Annie continue staring at him.)
Morty: …Uh, well…
Dr. Bloom: No, you're right. It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fault. You go on.
(Something approaches the group from a nearby set of stairs.)
Annie: *points* What the hell is that?
Dr. Bloom: E. coli outbreak. Hurry!
(Morty and Annie jump into the shuttle as E. coli swarm the area. Dr. Bloom pulls a lever and the shuttle begins to move.)
Dr. Bloom: Oh wait, there is an autopilot. (E. coli surround him.) WAAAIT! ...OKAY, NEVER MIND, I WANTED TO SACRIFICE MYSELF ANYWAAAAAYYYY!
(As the train speeds down the track, some of the E. coli have attached themselves to the vehicle. One smashes the window of the train door and sticks its head inside.)
Annie: They're chewing through the doors!
Morty: Euuuugh! *grabs a fire extinguisher and beats the E. coli off the train with it* We're in the areola, Rick! Almost to the nipple! But we're also in a really bad situation!
[Trans. Earth's orbit]
(Rick flies his spacecraft out of Earth's atmosphere.)
Rick: I'm almost there, Morty!
(Rick lights the end of the dynamite bundle in Ruben's abdomen, kicks him out into space, and uses a growth ray to increase Ruben to an enormous size—large enough to make Morty and Annie their normal sizes again, but still inside him.)
[Trans. Earth]
(Various people across America stop what they're doing and look at the sky as Ruben's huge, naked corpse hovers overhead.)
Reporter: Reports are coming in from across the country about what appears to be a giant naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tom?
(As Tom speaks, Ruben's terrifyingly enormous face floats overhead.)
Tom: Well, his eyes aren't twinkling, and his dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a seventy-mile cherry!
Reporter: Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMan in Los Angeles.
(Ruben's poorly kept toes hover in the background while Eric speaks.)
Eric: We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill! Giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size! And you know what they say about that!
Reporter: Well, if the old adage is true, one can only wonder what is going down in the Rocky Mountains.
[Trans. Rocky Mountains]
(A lumberjack pauses while hacking down a tree, looks up, screams, and runs away.)
[Trans. Earth's orbit]
(Rick flies his ship toward the nipple.)
[Trans. Bone Train]
(E. coli continue trying to break in, with Morty beating them away with a fire extinguisher. Running up to the front of the train, he and Annie see that Hepatitis A is has damaged the track.)
Morty: Oh my god, the track!
Annie: It's Hepatitis A!
(As Morty tries to slow the train down, it flies off the track and straight through some of Ruben's soft tissue, bursting into the nipple. The train hits a bump, throwing Morty and Annie out. They look up and gasp.)
Annie: The nipple hole…
(Through the nipple hole, they're able to see Earth as the sun peeks over the horizon.)
Morty: It's beautiful…
(Suddenly, there's a crash behind them. Hepatitis A bursts out from the train wreckage and lumbers towards Morty and Annie.)
Annie: Aw no!
(The two run, and just as Hepatitis A is about to catch them, Hepatitis C snatches it up and shakes it like felled prey.)
Annie: Whoa! It's Hepatitis C!
(Hepatitis C gives them a thumbs-up before lumbering away with its kill in its mouth.)
Morty: Um… We… Did we have some sort of relationship with him?
Annie: I… think they're just like that? I think they're just good guys.
Morty: Oh. Huh.
(Rick flies his spaceship into the nipple, landing it behind them. Morty and Annie climb inside.)
Rick: Where's Dr. Bloom?
Morty: Sorry Rick… He's dead…
Rick: Goddamn it, Morty, I ask you to do one thing!
(Rick flies the spaceship out of the nipple and away from Ruben's corpse just before the dynamite ignites and the body explodes, sending blood and gore in all directions.)
[Trans. Smith residence]
(Joyce, Leonard, Jacob, Beth, Summer, and Ethan all bundle up to go sledding.)
Beth: Jerry doesn't know what he's missing.
Jacob: He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together.
Beth: I dunno, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will—
(Beth stops talking as blood starts splattering the sliding glass doors. The whole group stares in shock as blood seems to pour from the sky.)
Summer: It's raining blood!
Jacob: Oh, shit. find Jerry!
Beth: Oh god.
[Trans. Jerry's den]
(Blood is raining on the window there as well. Jerry is sitting in a chair, watching the news, when the family bursts in.)
Beth: Jerry!
Jerry: *stands and hugs her* It's alright! The TV says there's nothing to worry about.
Reporter (on TV): The giant naked sky Santa has exploded. Blood and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country. Everything should be fine.
(Family sighs in relief.)
Summer: Dad, can I have my phone back?
Jerry: Sure, sweetie. *pulls out the stocking and gives Summer her phone, then gives Beth her tablet* Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax.
Jacob: This is nice.
Jerry: Yeah. *puts an arm around Beth and Jacob* I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob.
Summer: No we didn't, Dad. No we didn't.
[Trans. Smith house]
(It's no longer raining blood, but reddish chunks of Ruben are everywhere as Rick lands his spacecraft, parking it in the garage.)
Rick: Too bad about Dr. Bloom. *Rick, Annie, and Morty exit the car* He was a genius. The only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park.
Annie: Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. I believe I have the knowledge necessary to create a new, much safer park!
Rick: What about Pirates of the Pancreas…?
Annie: I think it was one of the most underrated attractions.
Rick: Booyah! Hold your breath!
(Annie is already standing under the shrink ray as Rick pulls the lever, shrinking her down to microscopic size once again, much to Morty's chagrin.)
Morty: Hey, wh-wh- What the hell, Rick? What the hell, man? I liked her! I really had somethin' going there, Rick!
(Rick pockets the container holding Annie.)
Rick: Yeah, so I heard. You dodged a bullet, Morty, trust me. *whispers* Puffy vagina.
Morty: W-What's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me! I dunno!
Rick: C'mon. Let's get some stuffing, I'm starving.
[Trans. Smith family living room]
(Beth, Leonard, Summer, and Ethan sit on the couch, Jacob sits in the easy chair with Joyce in his lap, and Jerry sits on the carpet. All are staring at handheld electronics as Rick and Morty enter the room.)
Rick: Oh, unbelievable. We got a bunch of robot computer people sittin' around with their faces stuffed in computer screens. (No one acknowledges him.) Do you realize Christ was born today? Jesus Christ our Savior was born today! A-A-A-Are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?
(Jerry looks at the audience and shrugs.)
[End Credits roll]
[Trans. Rick's garage]
Annie (through speaker phone): Hey Rick! Rick, can you hear me?
Rick: Loud and clear, Annie.
Annie: Great! We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian—
Alejandro: Hey Rick.
Annie: Natalie Jacobs and Chris Desiter from Microscopic Marketing, Zach from Organ Concepts and Jamie from New Media.
Rick: Hey everybody.
All: Hey, hi Rick, how's it goin'. (etc.)
Annie: So. Pirates of the Pancreas.
Rick: Yeah, talk to me.
Alejandro: Hey Rick, it's Alejandro speaking. Um, so we asked ourselves internally, we asked ourselves over here, “Okay, what does a pancreas do?” (Rick begins to look agitated.) And the answer was, does it make pirates? No. It makes insulin, you know? So we're starting with a new—
(Rick, furious, picks up and slams the phone, hanging up on the group call. Behind him, Ethan lies on a table.)
Ethan: So those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park?
Rick: Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck 'em. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.
Ethan: … Cool. And who pays me?
[END]
