[JOHN OLIVER]
We went to court
Against the world's worst sport
And learned important lessons on the way
We spoke with perfect candor
And got accused of slander
'Cause Bob Murray wants to make us pay
So even though he'll threaten
Legal armageddon
We have just one tiny thing to say:
Bob Murray can go fuck himself today!
Ladies and gentlemen, to help me better respond to Bob Murray's complete bullshit, please welcome to the show The Suck My Balls, Bob Dancers!
[THE SUCK MY BALLS, BOB DANCERS]
Murray, Murray, Murray, Murray
Hey, Bob!
Watch this!
[FEMALE DANCERS]
He went to the Louvre and spit in Mona Lisa's face
[MALE DANCERS]
Filled a rocket with puppies and he shot it into space
[JOHN OLIVER]
He bludgeoned Nancy Kerrigan and watched her cry for fun (Why?)
[ALL]
He murdered Archduke Ferdinand and started World War One!
That's right, if we discuss Bob Murray in a way no reasonable person could construe as factual, we can say whatever the fuck we like! So come on everyone, let's head to the streets!
(Cut to: John Oliver and the Suck My Balls, Bob Dancers leaving the Last Week Tonight building, out onto the street)
[DANCERS]
Ahhh
Murray, Wow!
[CONSTRUCTION WORKER]
He'll stroll into a stranger's home and jizz right in their Wheaties
[YOGA STUDENT]
He watches “Steel Magnolias” and roots for diabetes
[MOM]
He wrote the Macarena
And he dots his I's with hearts
[JOHN OLIVER]
And even worse, he likes to blame
[ALL]
Malala for his farts!
[HOT DOG VENDOR]
Hey! What's the big idea?
[JOHN OLIVER]
We're using protected speech to tell Bob Murray to eat shit!
[HOT DOG VENDOR]
Bob Murray?! Is that the guy who dipped his balls in my hot dog water?
[JOHN OLIVER]
(stares into camera)
That's exactly who I'm talking about!
[HOT DOG VENDOR]
Can I bring my cart?
[JOHN OLIVER]
It's not ideal
[HOT DOG VENDOR]
It'll be fine if I leave it here, right?
[JOHN OLIVER]
I DON'T KNOW!
[ALL]
Murray, Murray
He doesn't like Tom Hanks
He cut off Van Gogh's ear
Told Hitler to quit painting and to find a new career
He masturbates to Schindler's List
Old Yeller makes him hard
[JOHN OLIVER]
He was Cosby's drug supplier
Jeffrey Epstein's prison guard!
(Suddenly, an HBO lawyer runs in, panicked)
[HBO LAWYER]
Stop! Everybody, please! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
John, as HBO's legal counsel, please stop.
(turns to camera, smiles)
I have something very important to say
[HBO LAWYER (JOHN OLIVER AND DANCERS)]
One day at the M&M Store
Bob Murray walked through the door
He wasn't wearing pants that day
His dick and balls on full display
(Full display!)
He grabbed M&M's from a bowl
And crammed them up his (Anal Hole!)
He spread his buttcheeks far and wide
He told the tourists to look inside! (Look inside?)
He said "My rectum's full of treats!
Reach in there and grab some sweets!"
(Grab some sweets!)
These are all real things Bob Murray did!
See you in court, fuckface!
(Cut to: John Oliver with Mr. Nutterbutter)
[JOHN OLIVER]
Look! It's Mr. Nutterbutter!
We're singing about Bob Murray! I believe you've heard of him?
[MR. NUTTERBUTTER]
You mean the Zodiac Killer?
[JOHN OLIVER]
(to the camera)
That's the one!
[MR. NUTTERBUTTER]
Well, my friends and I have a little something to say about him!
(Enter the rest of the "Nutterbutter Quartet")
[THE NUTTERBUTTER QUARTET]
Bob
Bob Murray
Is
A furry
Putting aside our personal quarrel
The man fucks
[CHILD NUTTERBUTTER]
Squirrels!
[THE NUTTERBUTTER QUARTET]
The man fucks squirrels!
(Cut to: Dancers)
[DANCERS]
Eat Shit, Bob
Eat Shit, Bob
[JOHN OLIVER]
Hey! I know where we should go!
(Cut to: John Oliver, in full spangly suit)
[DANCERS]
Ooooh, Aaaah
Murray, Murray
Eat shit, Bob and...
(Cut to: The entire ensemble in Times Square)
[ALL]
Hey, Bob!
Is this is as bad as you feared?
It doesn't count as slander!
'Cause it's way too weird
We made up these anecdotes
They're silly and insane
We could go on and on and on
And on and on and on and on
But we will stop this song
Who knows, we may have fried your brains
SO EAT!
SHIT!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!
YOW!
(Hats are thrown into the air, where fireworks are spelling out the words "Eat Shit, Bob!")
