[Verse 1]
I saw your picture in the pointless magazine
You wear your weapons well
You've got a future as a killing machine
As far as I can tell
I'm sure your driver does the best he can
He does whatever it takes
But I, I put my money on Slow Motion Man
Because he never puts on the brakes

[Chorus 1]
And it's all part of the plan
When you hire Slow Motion Man
Can he devise your lesson plan?
Why yes, he can!
And it takes such a long time
To arrive home when he drives
And he drives so slow, you slowly go mad

[Verse 2]
And if you're looking for the naughtiest mistletoe
I know just what it takes
Sign this disclaimer just before you go
Because I make mistakes
I cannot save you from drowning in jealousy
If you refuse to believe
What's in your heart is a fallacy
What's in your mind can never leave
[Chorus 2]
And it's the products from Japan
That are confounding Slow Motion Man
And he strives to make your wishes his command
But it takes 6 to 8 weeks
To get closure when he speaks
And he speaks in a voice that drives you mad

[Verse 3]
And I can see from my perch on the highest tree
You hid the feelings you felt
And you forsook me for a dollar tree
Before I could even take off my belt
And now the weather has turned a few degrees
And we must part for the year
Please don't expect me to remember memories
I leave them all right here

[Chorus]
And it's the meals from a can
Giving life to Slow Motion Man
As he sends directions to an endless caravan
And he dies such a long death
They will enshrine his final breath
And he breathes so heavy, it makes you bleed