Adam Kay:
It's Christmas eve
I'm on the forecourt
To buy a present
From the Wild Bean Café
There's packs of cigarettes
There's packs of moist towelettes
There's Dan Brown audio cassettes
And sacks of charcoal briquettes

Suman Biswas:
Where the fuck've you been, I've been waiting for hours

Adam Kay:
Oh don't be so cross, look I've brought you some flowers

Suman Biswas:
These flowers are dead, and they're from our front lawn

Adam Kay:
I've also brought twiglets, a torch, and some porn

Suman Biswas:
You're an ungrateful bastard for pulling this stunt
You nobhead, you shitbag
Adam Kay:
Insufferable cunt!
At least I don't need tweezers to handle my penis

Suman Biswas:
Stick that torch up your arse
Make this Christmas our last!

Both:
And everywhere around the world
From here to Galway Bay...
There are couples
Splitting up...
On Christmas day!