I've got a broadband connection
And a laptop with a Pentium four processor
With Intel inside
My girlfriend thought I needed it
For PowerPoint and other shit
But when I told her that I guess I lied

When I'm at my desk and I get the horn
Down goes my left hand, up comes the porn

I've filled my C: drive up with pics
Of Abbie Titmus sucking dicks
And several hundred home movies
Like Pamela and Tommy-Lee's
Have I given you a clue?
The bare celebrities are what I like to view

I love those bare celebrities
Those hardcore bare celebrities
Forget about your girlfriends and your wives!
I mean those bare celebrities
Those Paris Hilton MPG's

I love those bare celebrities
Those online bare celebrities
My mates think I'm a big computer geek
But I'm just browsing celebrities
And JPG's of under-three's **
They caught me and my case comes up next week!

** This line has been changed to some (generally more shocking ;-) alternatives in live performances