[Intro: Bret]
Uh, can we get some lighting that evoke a kind of, uh, "unrequited love" sentiment, please? That's great

[Spoken: Bret]
Uh, g'day. My name's Tony. On behalf of myself and the coachline, I'd like to thank you for choosing to drive with us today. Uh, if you've got any questions, don't hesitate just to sing out.

If you look out to the right there, you'll see the bronze of Bluey, a local sheepdog who became a member of Regional Council. S'a bloody great day for dogs!

Uh, to your left there, you'll see a—you'll see the local town wanker, John Thompson. "G'day, John!" Bloody wanker, hahaha. Nah, he's all right.

[Sung: Bret & Bret & Jemaine]
The town hall
And note the mosaic wall
Well, there are about 5,600 tiles on that wall
I know; I counted them all
A local school
A local swimming pool
That was opened by the governor general
Back in 1952
Where I was caught with a friend, aged 11
Sniffin' tractor fuel
We thought we were pretty cool
Breaking them changing shed rules
But do you see up there
The banner hanging in the air?
That's the Presbyterian Fair
But I never go—there's too many Presbyterians there
But if you're interested
The fair's in the third weekend of August every year
But don't bother entering the raffle
It's always won by some kid of the mayor
[Sung: Bret, Jemaine & Nigel Collins, & All]
Well, look to your left (Look to your left)
What a beautiful sight (Beautiful sight)
It's Paula, Paula Thompson (Paula Thompson)
Née Paula Wright
Look at her hair (Look at her hair)
Ooh, it's still gorgeous, even now (Still gorgeous even now)
It's flowing like the Womahonga River (Womahonga)
Which, incidentally, is to your right
And it's the largest, in the area
In terms of volume
Everybody, look at Paula
Look at Paula Thompson
I always thought I'd marry Paula
But some things just don't work out that way
Well, that's the most important thing
You'll learn on the tour today
Well, that, and the fact there'll be a toilet break
At the Information Center near the man-made lake
Come on!

[Instrumental Break]

[Spoken: Bret]
I'd just ask you one favor: If you do see Paula in town later on, I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention the details of my tour. Same goes for my wife, Gloria. Ah, you'll recognize her 'cause she looks a hell of a lot like Paula. She often gets mistaken for Paula But, uh, well... She's not Paula, that's for sure.
[Sung: Bret, Bret & Jemaine, & All]
One, two, three, four!
Paula Thompson born in '54
To a family of four
To the family next door
Take me back next door
Paula Thompson, née Paula Wright
That's her old house, number 39
Number 41 was mine
If this old coach could go back in time
I'd travel to 1979
Take me back
Take me back, take me back
Take, take, take, take, take me back
Take me back, take me back
Take, take, take, take, take me back
Take me back, take me back
Come on, take me back, oh, take me back
Please take me back, take me back!

[Spoken: Bret]
Sorry about that. Got a little carried away there. Uh, it's a very emotional intersection for me. Took a wrong turn there... about 29 years ago. But, uh, that's the end of the tour, so... Yeah, enjoy your stay. Mind your step, and, uh... Good on ya.