(R): Hello, this is a big “Hi” and a sincere Merry Christmas from yours truly, Ringo Starr!

[slightly sped-up sample of “Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da” intro
With piano plunking over it]

(P): (Singing)
Happy New Year, happy Christmas
Happy Easter, happy autumn
Happy Michelmas, everybody
Happy Christmas, everybody to you

I'd like to wish everybody happy Christmas
This year of 1968 going on 69
Happy Christmas, happy New Year
All the best to you from here

[opera sample]
Ah - haaa!

I'd like to wish everybody
Happy Christmas, happy New Year
From there to here
Happy New Year, happy New Year
Happy New Year, happy New Year

[random clapping]
[sped-up marching band sample, with kids cheering]
[sped-up sample of Helter Skelter]
When I get to the bottom
I go back to the top of the slide
Where I stop, and I turn, and I go for a ride
Till I get to the bottom and I see you again

(over “Believe Me, If All Those Endearing Young Charms” played on piano)
(J): Once upon a time, there were two balloons called
Jock and Yono. They were strictly in love, bound to happen
In a million years. They were together, man. Unfortunatimetable, they seemed to have previous experience which
Kept calling them one way or another (you know how it is)
But they battled on against overwhelming oddities
Including some of there beast friends. Being in love
They cloong together even more, man. But some of the
Poisoness monsters of outrated buslodedapethrowers did
Stick slightly, and they occasionally had to resort to
The dry cleaners. Luckily, this did not kill them and
They weren't banned form the Olympic Games. They lived
Hopefully ever after and who could blame them

[sample - Baroque Hoedown by Jean-Jacques Perrey and Gershon Kingsley]

(G): Well, here we are again, another fab Christmas. Christmas
Time is here again. Ain't been around since last year
And we'd like to take this opportunity, all the way from
America, to say happy Christmas to you our faithful
Beloved fans all over the world who have made our life
Worth living. And over here I have Mr. Malcolm Evans who
Through thick and thin, would surely like to say a word
Of greeting at this festive occasion
(M): Merry Christmas, children everywhere!
[over a sped-up orchestra recording of “Deck the Halls”, and sample of crowd cheering]

(?): At the first stroke, it will be …

(R): … Ringo Starr. Thank you!
“Good evening.”
“Hello me dear. I didn't know you were coming.”
“I'm not surprised.”
“Well, I am! Certainly am!”
“I would have thought so myself.”
“Well, if you ask me, I think it's insane.”
“Occasionally.”
“Yes, me, too. Twice a week sometimes.”
“Fourteen and six.”
“Nineteen and five to save me if you don't mind.”
“Yes, I know.”
“Don't you say yes to me! I'm telling you!”
“This is a private line, you know.”
“Private line? I've been on this line for two years.”

(R): Well, it's my proud pleasure tonight to introduce one of
The most versatile performers in our career. And he's
Come all the way from Stokely Carmichel's -on-Sea
And I hope you're going to like him. Let's give him a
Big hand … (YAY!!!)
(P): (Double-Tracked Singing)
Happy New Year, happy Christmas
Happy Easter, happy autumn
Happy Michelmas, everybody
Happy Christmas, everybody to you

[over distorted piano samples]
(J): Once upon a pool table there lived a short-haired
Butcher's boy, by the way of Ostergrad. It comes in
Sentences poolararrowic Airport. Her father was in a
Long story cut short in the middle of his life sentence
We're indebted to the Colloquial office for its immediate
Disposal of her Horowitz, including, I might add, hoc virtallo a totem. On the other handbag, I mean to say
L'amoure ne soome tu joure realistic, strictly speaking
For this film is about an hourglass houseboat. The full
Meaning of Winchester Cathedral defies description. Their
Loss was our Gainsborough nil

(J (Double Tracked)):
The sound of a manservantile defectively lasting barred
Up in a love-dizzy gar-di-dell time. How close can you
Gettysburg and ever underly council ya originally a
Birdbath feeling--

(G): Cut!
We have a special guest here this evening, Mr
Tiny Tim. I'd like to ask him to say a few words

(T): Oh, hello to you nice Beatles. Ah, it's so wonderful
What a thrill it is talking here. Ah, in Mr. Harrison's
Presence, Mr. Weiss' presence, and all his nice wonderful
Friends. And the thing is, I just wanna say Merry
Christmas to you all. And, ah, a Happy New Year

(G): Thank you, Tiny. Would you like to sing us a little song?

(T): Ah, I'd love to. Here's a song I did in 1966 in front of
Miss Jill for the first time. And I did this in Albert
Hall, and what a thrill it was, ah, to do this then, and
Now … exactly the way I did it then

(Singing)
He's a, ooh, real nowhere man
Living in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody

Hasn't got a point of view
Knows not where he's going to
Isn't he a bit like you and me?

Nowhere man, (yes?) Don't worry
Take your time, don't hurry
Nowhere man, the world's at your command, ooh

He's a, huh, huh, real nowhere man
Living in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody, ooh, ooh

(G): Thank you, Tiny. Thank you and God bless you, Tiny

(T): God bless you all. Oh, God bless you all