[All, singing]
Everywhere, it's Christmas, everywhere it's song.
London, Paris, Rome and New York, Tokyo, Hong Kong.
Oh, everywhere it's Christmas, and I'm off to join the cheer!
Everywhere, it's Christmas, at the end of every year!
Oh, everywhere it's Christmas, at the end of every year!
I said that everywhere it's Christmas, at the end of every year!
One more time now!
Everywhere it's Christmas….

[All, singing in choral style]
Or-away-nyaa, or-away-nyaa, or-away-nyaa, ooh,
In-do-manja, in-do-manja, in-do-manja, ooh.

[Paul]
Our story opens in Corsica. On the verandah is a bearded man in glasses conducting a small choir.

[All, singing in choral style]
Or-away-nyaa, or-away-nyaa, or-away-nyaa...
[Yodelling]

Meanwhile, high in the Swiss Alps, two elderly Scotchmen munch on a rare cheese.

[George]
Mmm... wonderful stuff this, Agnes.
[John]
Aye, it's wonderful stuff.

[Yodelling]

[John]
I'm standing in the entrance to the main tent. Immediately behind me, the festivities have already begun.

[Sounds of people cheering, chattering and wine glasses clinking]

[John]
Tell me, are you enjoying the wine?

[Paul]
I am indeed your Highness. It goes well with me.

[More cheering and chatter]

[John]
The King seems to be enjoying himself tonight! You might not have seen him in such good fun since the October festival!

[Cheering and chatter continues]

[John]
Is there a doctor here? Is there a doctor round here? Did anybody see one?
[George]
At the same time as this, in the captain's mess on board H.M.S. Tremendous, a toast is being proposed.

[Ringo]
To her majesty!

[All]
To her majesty!

[slowed-down laughter]

[Paul]
Podgy the bear and Jasper were huddled around the unlit fire in the centre of the room.

[George]
There are no more matches left, Podgy

[Paul]
Said Jasper.

[John]
Then buy some, Jasper, old friend

[Paul]
Said Podgy.
[John]
Make a list, and afterwards we'll go to the shop and buy matches and candles and buns

[George]
There's no more paper to write on, Podgy

[John]
No need to worry, Jasper. You keep saying to yourself 'matches', and I'll keep saying 'candles' until we reach the shop. Then we won't need to write it down. We'll remember.

[George]
Will we remember the buns, Podgy?

[John]
We both will, Jasper. Matches...

[George]
Candles...

[John]
Matches...

[George]
Candles...

[John]
Matches...

[George]
Candles...

[John]
Matches...

[George]
Candles...

[John]
Matches...

[George]
Candles...

[Paul]
In the long, dark corridors of Felpin Mansions, a door slams...

[slam]

[Paul]
...and the shadowy figure of Count Balder appears. The Count is the eccentric son of Baron Landsberg, the inventor of the rack. He speaks:

[John]
Guten Tagen, meinen Damen und Herren. Welcome to Felpin Mansions. The butler will show you to your rooms. Butler!

[Ringo]
Yes, sir!

[John]
Show the ladies and gentlemen to their rooms.

[Ringo]
Yessir! Come this way, please!

[Sound of footsteps]

[Paul]
Come in.

(J): May I come in?

(P): Come, come in, Count!

(J): May I?

[Paul]
(P): Oh, yes, come in.

(J): Ah, thank you. I was wondering if you knew any of the songs from the good 'ol days.

[Paul]
Oh, my goodness, yes. Don't you worry on that score. I hear the Baron likes, uh, I hear the Baron likes the good old tunes.

(J): Yes, I do.

(P): So do I, Count, so do I. But they're all melodies, aren't they? No, don't worry. I'll play this one. Do you like this one? Listen to this one...

[Paul, singing]
Please don't bring your banjo bag,
I know where it's been.
I wasn't hardly gone a day
When it became the scene.
Banjos, banjos, all the time,
I can't forget that tune
And if I ever see another banjo,
I'm going out to buy a big balloon,

[All, singing and clapping]
And if I ever see another banjo,
I'm going out to buy a big balloon,
And if I ever see another banjo,
I'm going out to buy a toy balloon,
And if I ever see another banjo,
I'm going out to buy a toy balloon,
And if I ever see another bloom,
I'm going out to buy a toy balloon...

[Paul]
Yes, everywhere it's Christmas.

[All, singing]
Everywhere, it's Christmas, everywhere it's song.
London, Paris, Rome and New York, Tokyo, Hong Kong.
Oh, everywhere it's Christmas, and I'm off to join the cheer!
Everywhere, it's Christmas, at the end of every year!
Oh, everywhere it's Christmas, at the end of every year!
I said that everywhere it's Christmas, at the end of every year!
One more time now!
Everywhere, it's Christmas, at the end of every year,

(P): (*Ha-ha-ha?) Jolly good, (*ho-ho?) jolly good.