Aurelio Voltaire
Lucas Is A Noodler (Monologue)
[Interlude]
Lucas is a noodler
He's a noodler
He changes the movies every fifteen minutes
They were fine the first time
*Audience applauding*
You do not need to keep changing them
And if you're gonna change 'em
You know, don't add shit to existing scenes
Show us other scenes in between the stuff that happens
Okay, there's like some holes in some of those Star Wars movies
There's some scenes I really wish that he had filmed that he didn't
Here's an example
Empire Strikes Back
Lando Calrissian is leading
Han Solo, Princess Leia, Chewbacca and the gang
To a place where they're gonna sit down and have dinner
They get there and he says
"I just made a deal with the empire to keep them outta here for a long time"
Door opens up, Darth Vader standing there
Captain Solo pulls out his blaster
Darth Vader force pulls it out of his hand
Yes, obviously I played coder
*Audience applauding*
He force pulls it out of his hand
Darth Vader says
"Thank you for joining us, we would be honored by company"
The doors shut
That's a dinner that I would really like to see
*Audience applauding*
That's the dinner that I would really like to see
I mean like, I imagine in my mind like they all sit down, you know
And Vader is like
*Breathing* "Princess Leia" *Breathing* "Would you like some chicken?" *Breathing*
*Audience laughing*
"Lord Darth Vader, only you would be so bold"
*Audience laughing*
"Even the Imperial Senat knows I'm a vegitarian
*Audience laughing*
*Breathing* "It figures, all of you rebels are anarchist vegans" *Breathing*
*Audience laughing*
"3PO" *Breathing* "Try the wine"
*Audience laughing*
"Oh dear, no, it would rust my circuits
*Audience laughing*
*Breathing* "3PO, have you concidered the fact that you might be a homosexual robot?" *Breathing*
*Audience laughing*
*Breathing* "Chewbacca" *Breathing* "Are you going to eat that hotdog?"
*Unintelligible*
"Excellent! Force pull"
*Audience laughing*
"I hate this fucking helmet"
*Audience laughing*
"Oh wait"
"Delicious"
*Audience laughing*
*Breathing*
*Audience applauding*
This is a scene that I would've really loved to have seen
In the special edition of A New Hope