Hi, I'm the rap critic and these are the top five worst lyrics I've ever heard... this month.#5 - Lil Jon - "I Like Dem Girlz"So, I like to listen to songs from when I was a kid, and frequently I come across Lil Jon. Particularly I remember this song "I Like Dem Girlz", which is a mind-numbingly simple song about the different types of girls that Lil Jon is into, and usually there's a loose association between the type of girl and why he likes them...

[I like them girlz with them big ass butts
That be them girlz that'll let a guy cut]

I don't think girls with big butts are more likely to have sex with youth than girls with smaller butts.

[I like them hoes with they own damn car
That be them hoes down for menage a trois]

Okay, I really don't think that owning a car is a specific enough indicator of whether or not a girl wants to have group sex. Then again, I've never been a girl with a new car before, so I guess I wouldn't know...

[RC as a girl]
Ah, finally I have my own car! Hey, I have a sudden hankering to start banging more people... and at the same time!

[RC voiceover]
Come on down to Lil Jon's car lot, we guarantee you'll leave with a car! Complimentary condoms included!#4 - Gym Class Heroes, "Cupid's Chokehold"This song's chorus has always been confusing as hell.

[Take a look at my girlfriend
She's the only one I got]

Isn't that typically the amount of girlfriends you're supposed to have at one time? I mean, I can't speak for other cultures, but in America it's a situation if you have more than one girlfriend. Or maybe he's saying like 'she's the only girlfriend I've ever had'.

[Not much of a girlfriend
I never seem to get a lot]
So you're saying she's not that good of a girlfriend because she doesn't have sex with you enough? Well, with that attitude, I think I understand why you've only had one girlfriend! Or maybe when he says 'I never get a lot', he's not talking about sex, but just about the fact that he hasn't had that many girlfriends. But wait! And what makes him so confident in his abilities to judge how much of a girlfriend she is? I don't know maybe this is just bad sampling. Maybe they took these lyrics from an older song where the words make more sense in context. What what does he say after this in the original song?

[Take a jumbo across the water
Like to see America
See the girls in California
I'm hoping it's going to come true]

Okay, so is he saying he doesn't like his drab girlfriend in England - which is where I guess he's from - and watch the girl from the States because from what he's heard about America - I guess - girls are more fun. Although with that 'I never seem to get a lot of girlfriends' line, the implication of that it seems to come with the assumption that while he only has one girl in England, guys in America have multiple girlfriends at the same time. Not exactly sure where he's getting that idea from, unless he's thinking about a very specific part of Utah. Hmm, I wonder how many girls there own cars.#3 - Jay-Z "Jigga My N***a"[Muh'fuckers wanna wet me still, I remain y'all
Raw the one, like five divided by four]

Um well, you're close. You're actually literally off by a quarter. Geez, you think for someone who's a businessman - oh excuse me someone who's a business, man! - you'd be able to do simple division. Only a number divided by itself equals one or maybe I guess it just sounded slightly too repetitive to say "I'm the one like 4/4". Because as we all know Jay-z is not a man who repeats himself...

[cake cake cake cake cake cake cake]

...except when it comes to desserts, apparently.#2 - Kid Rock - "Cool Daddy Cool"I'm gonna do something controversial right now: I'm gonna stand up for Kid Rock! No, really! In a world where you can like using from fucking Riff Raff and still be taken seriously, I'm gonna go ahead and say that Kid Rock wasn't that bad. Definitely not that good, but from what I remember hearing from the music, music was okay, I think people just had a thing about hating rap that was combined with rock. Anyway, and well, that I mean I never heard any of his full albums, but the singles were always exciting, and I also remember that "Cool Daddy Cool" song from the Osmosis Jones movie.

[Young ladies, young ladies,]
What! What!

[I like 'em underage see]

What?

[Some say that's statutory (But I say it's mandatory)]

Wha... maybe I should cut out that part about liking Kid Rock. I'm suddenly shaky about associating with him.#1 - Wiz Khalifa - "Let It Go" [And now all these haters looking at me pitifully
Cause I'm the shit, literally]

Um, so some of you may watch my Going Off podcast with Mues. And in one of the latest episodes, I had a skit in there making fun of rappers using the shit metaphors way too much.

[RC in said podcast]
I physically manifest myself in doo-doo!

Now I was comically exaggerating with those lyrics to say that hey these rappers say shit so much I'm going to take it a step further by having a character who actually wants people to think of a mad shit but then I hear from a rapper who wants people to take him seriously...

[Cause I'm the shit, literally]

Man of all rappers leave it to Wiz Khalifa to say "no, there is no metaphor! I want you to think of me as a piece of shit!" Well, good, sir! That was one lyrical boast that I will actively not disagree with you! on all

So, no, I'm not going to review that song he did that was dedicated to Paul Walker on the Furious 7 soundtrack, because, well, let's say I don't want to draw the ire of people who have made up their minds about it based on their already highly emotional investment. Unless of course it gets highly requested on Patreon . A thing that I know won't happen because my audience loves me so much they definitely don't want me to look like a jackass by reviewing that song. Unless of course someone provides a link to it in which case people can see it and readily go to... [Patreon link flashes up] goddamn!