Hi, I’m the Rap Critic. Well… Lil Wayne has a new single, and it’s called “Love Me”. Well, with a title like that, I don’t know what to expect. However, after “How to Love” turned out to be an awkward but slightly admirable ballad about a girl going through a hard life, maybe a song titled “Love Me” would be a more personal number. Contemplating his personal struggles with trust and relationships. And yeah, it could just be another crappy bragging song, but I like to be optimistic when I go into a review. So... what? That’s not the full title of the song? What’s the full title of the song?

Drake: Bitches love me

Man, I feel stupid. Well, let’s get this over with

Future: I’m on that good kush and alcohol
-stupid, unnecessary audio watermark for the producer-

*sneers*

I don’t know what I was doing-

Wait. What was that thing she’s wearing? Is that a stylized version of a scolds bridle? A mild torture device that men put on women in the middle ages when they felt they were talking too much? Wow, we’ve wasted no time into getting into some pretty dark territory, haven’t we? I mean… you know what, I haven’t even started talking about the lyrics yet. I’m just gonna let this one go

Okay, so this song, which sounds more like a mockingbird type lullaby than a club hit, is about being drunk and high and calling a couple girls to have sex. And…maybe these girls are just into really kinky stuff! Like, you know, headgear to remind them of a time when women were seen as even less inferior than we treat them now. Or swing sets. Yeah…

Future: Imma ball ‘til the day I fall

One more thing before we continue. When did this Future character here, a guy who barely passes as a rapper, let alone a singer, become credible enough in the industry to be featured chorus guy? I mean, according to what I’m seeing on the lyric sheet, he has no verse! So without his own full verse, the only appeal to having him on the song is purely based off of his ability to carry a hook. And I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but…

(shows a cover of the single for “Loveeee Song” by Future and Rihanna as that song plays)

Future isn’t exactly a powerhouse vocalist. I mean, could Lil Wayne honestly not be bothered to do the auto tune on his own hooks? Aren’t you still friends with T-Pain? At least that guy has some personality, this guy is… huh. Funny that a guy named Future is relying on a vocal effect that’s near extinction. I mean, when even T-Pain says...

T-Pain: Auto tune is on its way out!
Back in 2008, I think it’s over as a gimmick that people can take seriously. But back to the song

Drake: Long as my bitches love, my bitches love

Wait, now Drake is on the chorus? Is this the Drake and Future collaboration the world was waiting for? He doesn’t have a verse either, so I can only assume that there was a large enough audience out there that would be oh so content enough to hear the musical style blending off the rapping personifications of both boring and uninteresting. But forgive me again, we need to get back to the song

Drake: I can give a fuck ‘bout no hater
Long as my bitches love me

So the song is about how he doesn’t care how many people dislike him as long as there are women willing to have sex with him. Which is typical, but for some reason, in this song he’s more like an ineffective defense mechanism than cocky, confident braggadocio. Actually listen to the song without the arrogant, too cool to care faces in the music video. And really listen to their voices:

Future: I’m on that good kush and alcohol
I got some down bitches I can call

Is there anything in his voice that indicates that he is in any way happy about his life of excess? I mean, if this was one of those songs where they were trying to make a statement about how empty that kind of life is, that would be perfect, but it’s not. And usually, failings in the vocal melody can be excused by a beat that’s full of vigor and 808, but he can’t do that here, since every time the chorus comes in the beat gets that same muffled and muted effect that’s present on nearly every friggin’ song featuring Drake, and since the vocalists are all you have to go on when this happens, their lifeless delivery stops the song dead!

Drake: I can give a fuck ‘bout no hater
Long as my bitches love me

Does he actually sound convinced here? Does he legitimately sound like he doesn’t care about haters? I don’t know about you guys, but to me it sounds like he’s reverting to irrelevant boasting about superficial accomplishments intended to shield his ego after reading a scathing review of his music that sincerely struck a nerve. All I hear is a couple of insecure men masking their weaknesses with boasts of sexual prowess! And we haven’t even gotten to the verses yet!

Lil Wayne: Pussy ass n***as, stop hating

So, you don’t care about haters in any way, shape or form, and only care about your women... but the first thing you do in your verse is address the haters. Because you know, what better way to show that you don’t care about someone than by constantly mentioning them?

(montage of Wayne mentioning haters throughout the song)
I don’t know about you, but there’s something slightly contradictory about shouting, “HEY, ALL YOU HATERS! PAY ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU!”

Lil Wayne: Lil Tunechi got that fire
And these hoes love me like Satan, man!

D-do hoes like Satan? I mean, I know hoes are known for having questionable morality, but I don’t think anyone actively likes Satan. I don’t even think Satanists likes Satan, they just do it to piss off Christians. I mean I know you’re trying to relate the Satan and fire thing, but hoes don’t like fire either!

Lil Wayne: And these hoes love me like Satan, man!

You know, believe it or not, but some people think that this little snippet is proof positive that Lil Wayne is part of some demonic cult. And honestly, if you think some post-production CGI inspired by a barely thought out lyric is the proof you need to think Lil Wayne works for the devil... then he does work for the devil... and he’s going to kill you

Lil Wayne: Fuck with me and get bodied
And all she eat is dick, she’s on a strict diet

You don’t know how segways work, do you? I mean, what thought process takes you from “I’m going to kill you!” to “This chick is all about my penis.” For real! The only piece of transitional material we get is the word “and”. And I don’t know about you, but linking two phrases together with the word “and” is not the same as a transitional phrase, and I like nipples

Lil Wayne: She don’t want money
She wants the time we could spend

Pfft. Yeah, okay. Lose all your money to tax evasion and see if all your bitches still want to spend time with you!

Lil Wayne: She said, “I never wanna make you mad
I just wanna make you proud”
I said, “Baby just make me cum
Then don’t make a sound”
Okay… I’m, I’m trying to explain what’s wrong with these lines, and what disturbs me about them. Because it’s not just about the fact that they’re objectifying the girl in question. No, that’s to be expected with Wayne. But it’s the fact that this couplet communicates something more unsettling than that. And I just want to play these lyrics again and ask you a question:

Lil Wayne: She said, “I never wanna make you mad
I just wanna make you proud”
I said, “Baby just make me cum
Then don’t make a sound”

In what way does this NOT sound like an abusive relationship? In what way is this not a controlling sociopath dominating over a woman who’s afraid of giving him any excuse to lash out in anger at her? I mean it’s not overtly stating it, but it’s definitely implied. (sees a shot of a woman in the scolds bridle) Wow. That is not helping. But anyway, in his episode of Behind the Music, he talked about how he freestyles everything because it feels more real to him, and that everything he says honestly speaks to how his mind works because of that. If this is true, it says very disturbing things about him that he considers this as an honest expression of himself. And you know what? He’s an artist, and an artist telling you about his perspective doesn't always have to be a positive thing

But my problem lies not in his questionable morals…well actually yes it does, but it’s the fact that after so many girls hear his music and hear this song in particular, plenty of his female fans are still willing to be his groupies in late night booty calls! I mean, he’s making no bones about the fact that he doesn’t respect you, so at this point, if you’re still trying to get with him, your motivations are probably no better than his, and I think you know what I mean when I talk about the motivations of these types of women. You know, those women, always wanting to spend all of your time…

Lil Wayne: She wants the time we could spend

*scoff* Heartless succubus. But hey, maybe he’s not that bad. Maybe when he’s with these women, he’s actually respectful of the... I’m sorry, are there women in cages like circus animals? So…let me get this straight. Lupe Fiasco makes a song that barely charts, talking about how women should not be purely viewed as sex objects, and should hold themselves to a higher standard, and he’s accused of still bringing up patriarchal views on sexuality and all that stuff. But Lil Wayne has a top 10 hit with a music video where women are viewed as beasts in circus cages?! With lines like...

Lil Wayne: I said, “Baby just make me cum
Then don’t make a sound”

And… nobody’s making a stink about this! I’m not saying it should be pulled off the air or anything, I just think it’s odd that a video with good intentions got crapped on, while a video that can be easily interpreted as equating female sexuality with being entertained by animals is okay. But where was I? Oh, yes. So like I was saying, I’m sure in real life, Wayne is very respectful to women…

Lil Wayne: These hoes got pussies like craters

Damn! That…that imagery! Again, to all the women still wanting to have sex with Lil Wayne: THIS is what he metaphorically thinks of your vaginas! *picture of a crater* So…I think he’s really trying to get across the point that he thinks you’re all whores!

Lil Wayne: Can’t treat these hoes like ladies, man!

Hey…who do you treat like a lady? Because by acknowledging the idea of lady, you’re acknowledging that women can achieve a respectable status. But none of the girls you’ve ever met have achieved that status in your head. So it’s not that you’re saying that all women are whores; you’re just saying that all women you refer to are whores. Hmm... I wonder how that works for other things

"I’m not saying that all Chinese people are good at math, play piano and know Kung Fu, I’m just saying that all the Chinese people I’m ever going to refer to are good at math, play piano and know Kung-where’s everybody going?"

Lil Wayne: Pussy, money, weed, codeine

Was that a lyric, or just a reminder of all the topics he has to stick to?

Lil Wayne: She wake up, eat this dick
Call that breakfast in bed: 69, 96

Wait. What do those last numbers have to do with anything? Are you saying that you and her are 69’ing each other? Well that doesn’t work, since you only mention that she’s going down on you! And what is 96 supposed to mean?! Do you know why it’s called 69, Wayne? Because the numbers vaguely resemble two people orally stimulating each other. So what is 96 supposed to represent? Two people…facing away from each other? What, are they lying on each other’s butts? That makes no sense!

Lil Wayne: I feel her heartbeat

It’s a little late to get romantic, don’t you think?

Lil Wayne: I chest to chest with this bitch

Yeah, I thought so

Lil Wayne: Yeah, all my bitches love me, and I love all my bitches
But it’s like as soon as I cum, I come to my senses

Hold on a minute, maybe the song’s trying to say something. Maybe this whole song is just trying to communicate that meaningless sex with random women doesn’t actually lead to a fulfilling life. And maybe eating less is a good way to get fiber in your diet! Of course there’s no real revelation, he just continues to talk about haters and hoes

Lil Wayne: Now kiss my ass if you hatin
I’m getting ass or I’m skating

Anything that keeps you from playing the guitar. *shows a scene of Wayne playing the guitar live* Yeah, keep hitting those two notes, buddy. I’m sure the people who play the Beginner mode on Guitar Hero are impressed

Yeah, overall, this gets a 0 out of 5 from me. The melancholy beat sounds too dark to be a club song, which is partially what ruins the atmosphere of it. And the chorus fails to do anything that makes up for the dark tone of the beat! And his rhymes are terrible. There’s no wordplay here that’s clever enough to save him from being this unbearably sexist. It crosses the line of being a regular sex anthem into a grotesque assertion of male dominance. And ultimately, does not make for a good listening experience

And that’s pretty much all I have to say about that. Well, I’m the Rap Critic. You don’t have to like my opinion, but I don’t have to like your song

(post-outro scene)
I don’t know about you, but there’s something slightly contradictory about saying, “HEY, ALL YOU HATERS! PAY ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU!” (Someone in the distance: OKAY!") *chuckles*