I was sittin' at home just a-listenin' to my radio
An' along came a fella who apparently had been on the go
Well, he started in a-braggin' 'bout ev'rywhere he'd been
And there isn't any place in this whole world he hasn't seen
You ask me where I've been, an' I'm a-going to tell you, Pard
Why, I ain't even been outside the gate in my backyard

I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I didn't want to go, so
I guess I'll never know, Joe
An old stick in the mud, Bud
I ain't been anywhere

I ain't seen London, Paris, Washington, Chicago
Bombay, Mandalay, Calgary, Cashmere
Thailand, Ireland, Iceland, Greenland
Halifax, Poland, Switzerland, Scotland
Liverpool, Dry Gulch, Tombstone, Moscow
Carlsbad, Leningrad, Stalingrad, too bad!

I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I didn't want to go, so
I guess I'll never know, Joe
An old stick in the mud, Bud
I ain't been anywhere
Siam, Amsterdam, Oslo, Rotterdam
Birmingham, Tokyo, Melbourne, Saigon
Trinidad, Hong Kong, Florida, Reykjavik
Copenhagen, Berlin, Congo, Key West
Petersburg, Wallisburg, Cherbourg, Luxemburg
Chalush, Toronto, Cripple Creek, I am sick!

I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I didn't want to go, so
I guess I'll never know, Joe
An old stick in the mud, Bud
I ain't been anywhere

Kumquat, Limerick, Inverness, Loch Ness
Swansea, Cuanda, Colombo, Gold Coast
Edinburgh, Singapore, Galveston, Okinawa
Blarney, Killarney, Karachi, Pyongyang
Warsaw, Tarancan, Down, Libya
Goose Bay, Labrador, Outer Space, no place!

I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I didn't want to go, so
I guess I'll never know, Joe
An old stick in the mud, Bud
I ain't been anywhere
Ohio, Toledo, Wexford, Frankfurt
Silverton, Norfolk, Alamo, Sabula
Brighton, Kiowa, Denmark, Dover
Chalis, Rio, Lima, Philippines
Hebrides, Hawaii, Portland, Cleveland
Leipzig, Laramie, Horsehair, nowhere!

I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I ain't been anywhere, Joe
I didn't want to go, so
I guess I'll never know, Joe
An old stick in the mud, Bud
I ain't been anywhere

Wait a minute! Horsehair!
Why, doggone it, that's my hometown
So I guess I must 'a' been there, huh?

I ain't been anywhere!