TEASER

FADE IN: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - NIGHT
THE SAME NIGHT
Toby is sitting in a chair throwing his rubber ball against the wall.

MAN [on TV]
That's an incredible one in 500 Americans afflicted with this disease, which leads me to part two of our question.

Toby stops throwing for a moment.

MAN [on TV]
Senator, how is it that, despite the prevalence of this disorder, autism has received less than 15%...

Paper crumpling.

TWO NIGHTS LATER

Toby is throwing crumpled legal pad paper into a wastebasket already full with other papers. He sighs heavily and throws away another page.

TWO NIGHTS AFTER THAT

Toby is typing on his laptop. He stops suddenly, looking through the screen and into the hallway. He gets up and walks to LEO'S OFFICE.

TOBY
Leo.
LEO
Hey, I didn't know you were still here.

TOBY
Yeah.

LEO
What's going on?

TOBY
I've been thinking... about why Hoynes volunteered to slap down big oil.

LEO
It was his polling information.

TOBY
Yeah, but why did he put the poll in the field at all, is what I'm saying.

LEO
John Hoynes is an egomaniac who needs to be told what people think of him.

TOBY
[sighs] Well, that's pretty unusual for Washington.

LEO
Yeah.
TOBY
[comes closer] Leo, has there been a discussion in some room, some place, anywhere on any level about Hoynes being dropped from the ticket in 2002?

LEO
No.

TOBY
You sure?

LEO
Yep.

TOBY
'Cause I thought maybe it was an Eisenhower-Nixon...

LEO
No, Toby, I wouldn't give it a lot of thought.

TOBY
Okay. [walks out]

Sound of Toby's rubber ball hitting the wall.

THE NEXT NIGHT

FADE IN: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Toby is in his chair, throwing the ball against the wall. Throws with the right, catches with the left.
THE NEXT MORNING

FADE IN: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY
Leo walks in, picks up his mail, walks into his office, turns on the
light. Toby is sitting on his couch.

TOBY
Hey.

LEO
[raises his head, terrified] You scared the hell out of me.

TOBY
The poll that Hoynes put in the field...

LEO
Hoynes is going to run for President one day. Why shouldn't he do his own polling?

TOBY
[gets up] He's going to run for President six years from now, what good does last week's do?

LEO
I really don't know. [walks by him]

TOBY
Okay.

THAT NIGHT

TOBY [VO]
It's never happened before, right?

FADE IN: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Toby is pacing in it.

LEO
No.

TOBY
The Vice President would never challenge a sitting President for the
nomination.

LEO
'Course not.

TOBY
You see his itinerary for the weekend?

LEO
Who?

TOBY
The Vice President.

LEO
I don't keep tabs on John.

TOBY
He's giving a speech at a semiconductor plant. The title of the speech is "Clean air industry in the high-tech corridor of the industrial Northeast."

LEO
Where?

TOBY
Nashua, New Hampshire.

Leo takes off his glasses and sits back in the chair. Toby stares at him.

LEO
Toby, nobody, and particularly not Hoynes would be naIve enough... what I mean to say is if he's going to New Hampshire for the reason you're thinking he would mask it with something. It wouldn't be an official trip. He'd make up a benign excuse to be up there.

TOBY
I know.

LEO
So why are you concerned about the speech?

TOBY
Because it comes in the middle of a three-day camping trip to
Killington. [beat] Why does Hoynes think the President isn't going to run again? [beat, while the sound of Toby's
ball, slamming into the wall, is heard] What's going on, Leo?

Leo doesn't answer. Toby continues staring at him.

SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES.
END TEASER
* * *

ACT ONE

FADE IN: EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
11:35 P.M.

CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Bartlet sits at the desk. A knock is heard, and Leo enters.

LEO
Excuse me, Mr. President?

BARTLET
I closed the embassies in Tanzania and Brussels.

LEO
What about Domestic?

BARTLET
I don't have to make that call yet.

LEO
How much time do you have?

BARTLET
About an hour.

LEO
Mr. President, I've got Toby waiting in his office right now.

BARTLET
Why?

LEO
We've got to tell him.

BARTLET
Tell him what?

Leo gives Bartlet a knowing look.

LEO
We've got to tell him.

BARTLET
What happened?

LEO
He got curious when Hoynes volunteered to step in for Bill Trotter. And then more curious when he found out Hoynes put a poll in the field.

BARTLET
Yeah...

LEO
You know how he's camping in Killington, Vermont, with a quick stop in New Hampshire... and Toby's not an idiot.

BARTLET
He...

LEO
None of them are.

BARTLET
He scheduled a trip to New Hampshire?

LEO
High-tech corridor of the Northeast.

BARTLET
Yeah, thanks to who?

LEO
What does that matter right now?

Bartlet slams his notebook on the desk.

LEO
I think you have to see this as an opportunity...

BARTLET
To do what?

LEO
To gauge reaction.

BARTLET
You think Toby's reaction is going to be the same as the public's?

LEO
I meant the staff's.

BARTLET
Which will be?

LEO
I'm sorry, sir?

BARTLET
[rising] The staff's reaction will be what?

LEO
I don't know! Shock, betrayal, confusion, concern about our future?

Bartlet nods.

LEO
I don't know.

BARTLET
What do I tell him?

LEO
Everything.

BARTLET
Go get him.

LEO
Yes, sir.

As Leo leaves, Bartlet lets out a long sigh.

BARTLET
Now it starts.

CUT TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Josh and Sam are sitting in casual clothes, each reviewing the White House Correspondents' Dinner Speech.

SAM
Hmm...

JOSH
Well...

SAM
Yeah...

JOSH
You know what the problem with this is?

SAM
Yeah.

JOSH
It's supposed to be funny.

SAM
And yet...

JOSH
It's not.

SAM
No.

JOSH
Who worked on this?

SAM
Jay Breech, Janet Lipman. Andy Kyle, a little bit.

JOSH
You know what they did?

SAM
Yeah.

JOSH
They forgot to bring the funny.

SAM
Yep...

JOSH
How much time do we have?

SAM
I want to show it to him within the hour.

Josh rises and leans into TOBY'S OFFICE.

JOSH
Toby?

TOBY
Yeah?

JOSH
Sam and I are going to stay and touch up some of the jokes from the White House Correspondents'.

TOBY
Yeah, I read it.

JOSH
They forgot the funny. You want to stay?

TOBY
Where are you going to be?

JOSH
The funny place.

Leo enters behind Josh.

TOBY
I'll catch up with you in a little bit.

JOSH
What's going on?

LEO
Nothing.

JOSH
Okay.

Toby and Leo exit through the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE. Josh gives the speech a look just as Donna walks by.

DONNA
Hello.

JOSH
[following her] How you doing?

DONNA
I'm doing fine.

JOSH
Did you get the flowers?

DONNA
Yes, I did.

JOSH
Did you like 'em?

DONNA
They were very pretty.

JOSH
Do you know why I sent them to you?

DONNA
I know why you think you sent them to me.

JOSH
It's our anniversary!

DONNA
No, it's not.

JOSH
I'm the kind of guy who remembers these things!

DONNA
No, you're the kind of guy who sends a woman flowers to be mean. You're the only person I've met who can do that!

JOSH
I'm quite something.

DONNA
Yes.

JOSH
I sent them to mark an occasion!

DONNA
Are we really going to do this every year?

JOSH
For I am a man of occasion!

DONNA
I started working for you in February, this is April, and you're an idiot.

JOSH
You started working for me once in February.

DONNA
Yes!

JOSH
And then you started working for me again in April, and that's the one I choose to remember, because it's the only one that wasn't followed by you not working for me and going back to your boyfriend, and how you can call me mean in comparison to that and him is another in a long...

DONNA
Oh, shut up! Honest to God, don't you ever get tired of the sound of your own voice?

JOSH
No, no, no. [heads off in an opposite direction]

DONNA
Hey, where are you going now?

JOSH
Sam and I were going to punch up the speech for the thing, and we need funny people.

DONNA
[anticipating] Yeah?

JOSH
You know any?

Donna reacts. She goes to her desk.

JOSH
See, that! That right there! It's the oldest joke in the book...

DONNA
You're telling me...

JOSH
Hey, Ado Annie, I sent you flowers! I think what you're trying to say is, 'Why, thank you, Josh! They're beautiful! Not many bosses would have been that thoughtful...'

DONNA
Yeah? Because I think what I was trying to say was 'Shove it!'

JOSH
Okay, then...

DONNA
Do you want help with the thing?

JOSH
Yes, I do, because you are an hysterically funny person... did you see how I used 'an' there properly?

DONNA
Yes, I did.

JOSH
You crack me up...

DONNA
You know, Josh, there are times when, to put it quite frankly, I hate your breathing guts.

JOSH
So the flowers really did the trick?

DONNA
Oh, yeah.

CUT TO: INT. AINSLEY'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Ainsley is typing at her desk and listening to some type of instrumental music.

SAM [OS]
Ainsley? Ainsley! [enters] Ainsley.

AINSLEY
Hello, Sam.

SAM
Didn't you hear me shouting?

AINSLEY
Yes.

SAM
And...?

AINSLEY
I chose to ignore it.

SAM
Because...?

AINSLEY
You were shouting.

SAM
You're adorable.

AINSLEY
Yet ill-adored.

SAM
Go figure.

AINSLEY
Yeah.

SAM
What are you doing?

AINSLEY
I'm going up to Smith College tomorrow.

SAM
Why?

AINSLEY
It's my alma mater.

SAM
Reunion?

AINSLEY
The women's studies department is holding a panel on resurrecting the ERA.

SAM
Who else is on the panel?

AINSLEY
Rebecca Walker, Gloria Steinem, Anne Coulter, Naomi Wolfe...

SAM
You know, something like 40% of all women oppose the ERA, and in my entire lifetime, I've yet to meet one of them.

AINSLEY
[extending hand] Ainsley Hayes, pleased to meet you.

SAM
You're not...

AINSLEY
Yes.

SAM
You're not!

AINSLEY
Yes.

SAM
You're not, you're not, you're not one of those people!

AINSLEY
Sam, if, by those people, you're referring to Episcopalians...

SAM
You're going back to Smith College, the cradle of feminism, to argue in opposition of the Equal Rights Amendment?

AINSLEY
And get some decent pizza, yeah.

SAM
They're gonna hate you.

AINSLEY
I'm a straight Republican from North Carolina, and you don't think they hated me the first time around?

SAM
Yeah...

AINSLEY
So what are you doing?

SAM
I want to punch up some of the jokes for the speech for the Correspondents' Dinner, and I'm looking for people left in the building who are funny. Since I couldn't find any, I came to you.

AINSLEY
I would think, Sam, that with your infectious sense of humor, you'd have no trouble.

SAM
Do you wanna help me or not?

AINSLEY
I need to finish this.

SAM
We've ordered Chinese food.

AINSLEY
Okay.

Ainsley exits before Sam, and he makes a move as though to swat her with the paper he is holding.

CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Leo and Toby are waiting. An episode of 'The Tonight Show' is playing on one television; CNN on the other.

LEO
Did you see the speech for the Correspondents' Dinner?

TOBY
Yeah.

LEO
It's not funny.

TOBY
Sam's going to work on it.

LEO
Toby, take it easy in there, okay?

Charlie enters from the Oval Office.

CHARLIE
You can go in.

Leo and Toby enter THE OVAL OFFICE.

TOBY
Good evening, Mr. President.

BARTLET
Good evening, Toby. Can I fix you a drink?

TOBY
No, thank you, sir.

BARTLET
Have a drink with me.

TOBY
Yes, sir.

BARTLET
Bourbon and white.

TOBY
Thank you, sir.

BARTLET
You know what I found out recently? To be called bourbon, it has to come from Kentucky. Otherwise it's called sour mash. [pause] An Algerian-born terrorist named Redin Hassan was recently arrested at the Canadian border in a U-Haul carrying ten 2-ounce jars of
nitroglycerin.

TOBY
And they don't allow that kind of thing?

BARTLET
No. On advice from State and Intelligence, I've closed the embassies in Tanzania and Brussels.

TOBY
What about the FAA?

BARTLET
They wanted me to heighten security, order the Air Force, but it's a holiday weekend. I don't know. Toby, I got to tell you something...

TOBY
Sir-excuse me, sir, does the FAA have to produce evidence of a credible theory?

BARTLET
Yeah.

TOBY
How do they do that?

BARTLET
I don't know...

TOBY
Is there a time frame?

BARTLET
About an hour. Toby, about 10 years ago, for a period of a few months, I was feeling run down and had a pain in my leg. They both subsided, but 8 years ago, the pain came back, as well as numbness. My vision would become blurry and I'd feel dizzy. During an eye exam, the doctor detected abnormal pupil responses and ordered an MRI. The radiologist found plaque on my brain and spine. I have a relapsing-remitting course of MS.

TOBY
I'm sorry, sir?

BARTLET
I have Multiple Sclerosis.

Toby is shocked and speechless.

FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
* * *

ACT TWO

FADE IN: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Bartlet, Leo, and Toby are sitting quietly.

TOBY
What does relapsing-remitting mean?

BARTLET
I'm sorry?

TOBY
What does relapsing-remitting mean?

BARTLET
It's... I don't know... it's the good kind of MS.

TOBY
It's the good kind.

BARTLET
Yeah, as opposed to secondary progressive.

TOBY
Which is the bad kind.

BARTLET
Yeah. MS is a chronic disease of the central nervous system. Symptoms can be as mild as numbness or as severe as paralysis.

TOBY
And loss of vision?

BARTLET
Yeah.

TOBY
And cognitive function?

BARTLET
Yup.

TOBY
Is it... I'm sorry, is it fatal?

BARTLET
No. That's the good news. The bad news is there's no cure.

TOBY
Yeah, that I knew. [beat] Does relapsing...

BARTLET
Ever turn into secondary progressive?

TOBY
Yeah.

BARTLET
Sure.

TOBY
Is there any way of telling if it's going to?

BARTLET
No.

Toby stands up, rubbing his head.

TOBY
[beat] I'd like to stand up. Can I stand?

BARTLET
Yeah.

A knock on the door. Charlie enters.

TOBY
I'm sorry, sir... I need to, uh... Can I, uh... Excuse me.

Toby walks out to the portico.

CHARLIE
Mr. President?

BARTLET
Yeah.

CHARLIE
You wanted the call from Mr. Garreth at the FAA.

LEO
Charlie, could you put it through to my office?

CHARLIE
Yes, sir.

LEO
Go take it in my office.

Bartlet exits into Leo's office.

CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT
Josh, Donna, Ed and Larry are discussing the speech over cartons of Chinese
food.

JOSH
See?

ED
Yeah.

JOSH
Larry?

LARRY
Yeah.

JOSH
See the problem?

ED
Well, they didn't bring the funny, Josh.

JOSH
Yeah, they didn't. [to Donna] What are you doing?

DONNA
I'm jotting down some go-tos in case a joke doesn't work. "I haven't seen an audience this dead since..." That kind of thing.

JOSH
You think the President's gonna get heckled?

DONNA
No, but I've read the speech and I think you'd be wise to have some dead audience metaphors in your pocket.

JOSH
Okay, here we go. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am very happy to be here. And I want to thank the White House Correspondents Association for inviting me. I expect I'll be stuck here tonight with my fair share of verbal harpoons. I don't mind, just don't stick me...
[less enthusiasm with every word] with... the... dinner check." Wow.

DONNA
And then it says here, "Allow for laughter."

JOSH
Yeah, well, unless we give that instruction to the audience I don't think it's going to be a problem.

Sam and Ainsley enter.

SAM
Hey!

JOSH
"I don't mind, just don't stick me with the dinner check?"

SAM
I know, it's like he's playing Grossinger's.

DONNA
"I know some of you are troubled by my frequent use of Latin references. Well, all I can say is 'no te preocupus'."

LARRY
The joke there is that it's in Spanish.

ED
It's that kind of Latin.

DONNA
And that's probably where you'll want your first dead audience joke.

JOSH
We're not gonna need a dead audience joke.

AINSLEY
Donna, who gave you those beautiful flowers on your desk?

JOSH
I did. Me. Those are from me.

AINSLEY
What's the occasion?

DONNA
Nothing.

JOSH
Our anniversary.

DONNA
Our not anniversary.

JOSH
Donna doesn't like to talk about it.

DONNA
I really don't.

AINSLEY
Okay.

SAM
[helpfully] A few years ago, Donna's boyfriend broke up with her so she
started working
for Josh. But then, the boyfriend told her to come back, and she did. And
then they broke
up, and she came back to work.

Donna stares at him with an upset expression.

SAM
I thought you meant *you* didn't want to talk about it. [beat] I'm a spokesman
-- it's
in my blood.

AINSLEY
Well, they're nice flowers.

ED
"And I'd also like to thank our host, Bill Maher..."

SAM
We're not making fun of the host.

AINSLEY
Who are we making fun of?

SAM, JOSH, ED and LARRY
Republicans!

SAM
I only wish the Speaker were here tonight, but he's held up in negotiations
on the Hill.
He's demanding his latest pre-nup include a line item veto?

JOSH
There it is!

SAM
All right! Two groups. You guys over there, we'll stay over here.

AINSLEY
I want to be in the other group.

SAM
Why?

AINSLEY
The Kung Pao Chicken.

SAM
Get the Kung Pao Chicken and come back here. Let's go! In a half an hour I
want to make
Toby laugh.

CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE PORTICO - NIGHT
Leo brings a glass of bourbon out to Toby.

LEO
So I found out about a year ago. Two nights before the State of the Union,
he had an
attack.

TOBY
He did?

LEO
When he passed out in the Oval Office.

TOBY
That was an attack?

LEO
Yeah.

TOBY
I thought it was the flu.

LEO
It wasn't.

Leo and Toby go back inside THE OVAL OFFICE.

TOBY
How is it possible? How is it possible that this was kept a secret? First
of all, who
else knows?

LEO
You're the 16th person.

TOBY
Who else?

LEO
I'll tell you some of them. I won't tell you all of them.

TOBY
Why not?

LEO
Because it's not entirely my business. I'm not sure of my footing here. The
President
will be off the phone in a minute, and in the meantime you'll take what I
give you.

TOBY
It's not entirely your business?

LEO
The First Lady. The doctor, the radiologist, the specialist, the kids...

TOBY
Who else?

LEO
That's it, for now.

TOBY
He took a physical. Those doctors were from eight years ago. He took a
physical...

LEO
It's in remission. It doesn't show up during a physical.

TOBY
Leo...

LEO
It's in remission. Nobody lied.

TOBY
Nobody lied?

LEO
Nobody.

TOBY
Nobody lied? Is that what you've been saying to yourself over and over
again...

LEO
Look...

TOBY
... For a year, Leo? A deception of massive proportion? I can't even... He
gets a
physical twice a year at Bethesda. His doctors are Naval officers. Are you
telling me
that officers are involved in this?

LEO
Toby...

TOBY
These guys are going to be court martialed.

LEO
Nobody... Listen to me. Nobody lied. Nobody was asked to lie.

TOBY
Coercion.

LEO
Nobody was asked to lie!

TOBY
Officers. The First Lady. Surgeons... Surgeon Generals, for all I know...

BARTLET
[enters] The plural of Surgeon General isn't Surgeon Generals, it's Surgeons
General.
Like Attorneys General, or courts martial. Nobody was asked to lie. That
was Garreth from
the FAA. Upon interrogating Reda Messam, they believe it's possible that
another rental
car crossed the border yesterday. They believe it's headed to a safe house
in Patterson,
New Jersey, and the FBI thinks they can apprehend him in 24 hours. Of course,
the only
way all of this will happen is if Reda Messam is telling the truth, so who
wants odds?
Anyway, they're still looking at forensic evidence and we're going to talk
again in a
few minutes to decide if there's a credible threat.

TOBY
I'm sorry, sir, I didn't hear that.

BARTLET
I said, we're going to decide if there's a credible threat. Why? What are
you guys
talking about?

FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *

ACT THREE

FADE IN: INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
Josh exits the Roosevelt Room leaving the others inside. He heads down the
hall to the
OUTER OVAL OFFICE. He enters carrying a carton of Chinese take-out. Charlie
is seated
at his desk reading.

JOSH
Hey.

CHARLIE
How you doing?

JOSH
You have any idea how much longer Toby's gonna be?

CHARLIE
I don't.

JOSH
Let me ask you... you think this joke's funny? [perches on a desk] I'm sorry
the Speaker
isn't here. He's up on the Hill in last minute negotiations. He's going over
his prenup
and he wants a line-item veto.

Charlie stops reading and look over his shoulder at Josh.

CHARLIE
Well, I think it's pretty funny but....

JOSH
What?

CHARLIE
I wouldn't do it.

JOSH
Why?

CHARLIE
I think it's gonna call attention to the First Lady not being there.

JOSH
[mouth full of food] Where's Mrs. Bartlet gonna be?

CHARLIE
She went back up to Manchester.

JOSH
[surprised] She's not coming to the Correspondent's Dinner?

CHARLIE
Probably not.

JOSH
[confused] Charlie, what's going on?

Charlie sternly looks over his shoulder at Josh.

JOSH
Sorry. [looks at the closed door to the Oval Office] All right. [throws away
the food
carton and gets up] You don't know when Toby's out?

CHARLIE
[glances at Josh] No.

JOSH
[quietly] Bye. [exits]

CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The crowd is still huddled around the table except for Sam.

JOSH
[enters] All right... Here we go!

Josh claps his hands together and he rounds the table. Sam enters reciting
from a
Law Book.

SAM
"Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the
United States
or any state on account of sex."

Sam slams the book shut. Josh stands on the other side of the table next to
Donna who is
reading from a tablet.

JOSH
[confused] What's the joke?

SAM
It's not a joke. [sits]

AINSLEY
It's the Equal Rights Amendment.

JOSH
When did that come back?

DONNA
Read what these guys wrote.

Donna hands Josh the tablet and goes back to her seat. Ainsley continues to
ignore Sam
as Josh reads.

SAM
Shall not be abridged or denied on account of sex. VERY dangerous
language. This must be
stopped. What could possible be your problem with the ERA?

JOSH
[confused] Why are we talking about the ERA?

AINSLEY
[smiles] It's redundant.

SAM
She's doing the thing....

JOSH
Yeah, let's not back her or anything though.

SAM
Certainly, not if Phyllis Schaffley here has her way.

AINSLEY
Hup... [throws down her pencil and gets up]

SAM
It's redundant?

AINSLEY
Look, I'm a low maintenance lady. I've got the 14th Amendment. I'm fine!
[walks to the head of the table and grabs a beer]

SAM
How about...

Ainsley grabs some paper and heads back to her seat. Donna tries to hide a
smile.

AINSLEY
The 14th Amendment which says a citizen of the United States is anyone that's
born
here... that's me... and that no citizen can be denied due process. I'm
covered.
Make a law for somebody else.

JOSH
All right here's a joke based on the premise is that the party afterwards
is hard to
get into and the President is the Commander-In-Chief. "I hear the Bloomberg
party is
gonna be hard to get into this year but I'm not worried. I'm going the party
with the
82nd Airborne."

DONNA
And then the President says "Wow, I haven't heard a room this quiet since
we lost the
signal on Galileo."

JOSH
Or "Wow, I haven't seen my staff update their resumes this fast since the
last time I
tanked at the Correspondent's Dinner!"

DONNA
Josh.

JOSH
Yeah?

DONNA
[condescending] When you yell you make it harder for people to find the funny.

JOSH
Hey, who gave you those flowers on your desk?

DONNA
You mean a man who can't read a calendar?

JOSH
Sam. [motions for Sam to follow him to the corner]

SAM
We're doing fine. Toby's gonna come in here and nail it. This is his thing.

JOSH
Yeah, cut the Speaker joke, okay? Mrs. Bartlet night not be there.

SAM
Okay.

JOSH
All right, so uh... we're gonna be fine here.

SAM
No! We're doing great! [to the rest] We're doing great everybody, right?

LARRY
Sam, we've got one here but it involves a John Wayne impersonation and a
sock puppet.

SAM
Yeah, we're eating it.

CUT TO: INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Toby sits on the sofa. Bartlet sits across from him with a drink in his hand.

TOBY
Leo said you had an attack last year?

BARTLET
[looks up] Hmm?

TOBY
Leo said you had an attack last year.

BARTLET
Yeah.

TOBY
A couple of nights before the State of the Union.

BARTLET
Yeah.

TOBY
Wasn't that also the night you saw satellite pictures of India moving on
Kashmir?

BARTLET
Yeah.

TOBY
India and Pakistan were staring each other down. Control of some nuclear
weapons had
been put in the field.

BARTLET
Yeah?

TOBY
So, in the middle of a... I don't know what you call them...

BARTLET
An episode.

TOBY
...You were in the Situation Room as Commander-In-Chief.

BARTLET
[sarcastically] I know. I can't believe we're all still here.

Bartlet takes a drink and stares at Toby.

TOBY
Mr....

BARTLET
The episode was over. Leo was with me. The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs was
with me as
were the Secretaries of State and Defense.

TOBY
Do you receive medication?

BARTLET
I'm sorry?

TOBY
Do you receive medication?

BARTLET
I get injections of Betaseron.

TOBY
From whom?

BARTLET
From a doctor.

TOBY
None of your current doctors are aware of your condition... Mr. President,
is your wife
medicating you?

Leo enters.

BARTLET
I think it would be best while temperature are running a little high if you
refer to my
wife as Mrs. Bartlet or the First Lady.

TOBY
[quietly] Yes sir.

BARTLET
What you got, Leo?

Leo steps around the couch and hands Bartlet a folder.

LEO
They'd like a few more minutes.

BARTLET
The FAA?

LEO
Yeah.

Bartlet rises and they walk to his desk.

BARTLET
Talk me through what heightened security means.

LEO
Well, they deploy more uniformed police and the dogs. They hand search
luggage.

Toby sits on the couch deep in thought.

BARTLET
They discontinue...

LEO
Curbside checking. Eliminate the first two rows of short term parking.

BARTLET
Okay, they want a few minutes?

LEO
Yeah

BARTLET
[sarcastic] Toby's concerned that the peaceful solution I brokered last year
in Kashmir
was the result of a drug induce haze.

Toby looks at the President.

LEO
[to Toby] I was there with him. So was Fitz. So was Cashman, Hutchinson,
Berryhill...

TOBY
Well, that's fantastic.

LEO
Toby!

TOBY
None of you were elected!

BARTLET
I was elected, they were appointed. [points at Leo] The Vice President was
elected.
He has the constitutional authority to assume my...

TOBY
Not last May he didn't. [rises] He didn't last May when you were under
general anesthesia.

BARTLET
That's because I never signed the letter and I don't think I got shot because
I got MS.

TOBY
I don't think you did either, sir. I meant that during a night of extreme
chaos and fear,
when we didn't yet know if we'd been the victims of domestic or-or foreign
terrorism or
even an act of war there was uncertainty as to who was giving the National
Security
orders and that was because you never signed a letter!

Leo looks uncomfortable. The President glares at Toby.

TOBY
I don't like to wonder, given your condition and it's lack of predictability
why there
isn't simply a signed letter sitting in a file someplace? And the answer
is... [laughs]
of course, if there was a-a signed letter sitting in a file someplace,
somebody would
ask why.

Bartlet looks angrily at Leo.

TOBY
[angry] The Commander-In-Chief had just been attacked. He was under a general
anesthetic.
A fugitive was at large, the manhunt included every federal, state and local
law
enforcement agency. The Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and
Delaware
National Guard was federalized! The KH-10 showed Republican Guard movement
in southern
Iraq. [yelling] And twelve hours earlier an F-117 was shot down in the no fly,
and the
Vice President's authority was murky at best!

Barely controlling his anger, Bartlet walks behind his desk.

TOBY
The National Security Advisor and Secretary of State didn't know who they were taking their orders from! I wasn't in the Situation Room that night but I'll bet all the money in my pockets against all the money in your pockets that it was Leo... who no one elected! For 90 minutes that night there was a coup d'etat in this country.

Bartlet stands furious. Leo looks at Toby.

BARTLET
And the walls came tumbling down. I feel fine by the way. Thanks for asking.

LEO
Sir...

BARTLET
[angry] No, Toby's concern for my health is moving me in ways...

TOBY
Mr. President....

Bartlet furiously throws the folder across his desk.

BARTLET
[yelling] SHUT UP!

Bartlet stalks back around the desk and faces Toby.

BARTLET
[condescending] You know your indignation would be a lot more interesting
to me if it
wasn't quite so covered in crap!

Charlie stands in the doorway.

CHARLIE
Sir...

BARTLET
[while glaring at Toby] Yeah.

CHARLIE
Mr. Garreth.

BARTLET
[acknowledges Charlie] Thanks.

Charlie quietly closes the door behind him.

BARTLET
[angry] Are you pissed because I didn't say anything or are you pissed
because there
were 15 people who knew before you did? I feel fine by the way. Thanks for
asking.

Bartlet walks to the other side of the room. Leo, standing between them,
stares in shock.
He puts his hand to his forehead. Toby stands quietly looking at nothing.

LEO
[to Bartlet] Take the call in here.

Bartlet nods.

LEO
[to Toby] We'll step outside for a minute.

Leo motions to the door. Bartlet glares at Toby. Toby looks at him quickly
before
following Leo out. Bartlet walks back over to the couches and collects
himself for
a moment. He then picks up the phone.

BARTLET
[into phone] Yeah, this is the President.

FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
* * *

ACT FOUR

FADE IN: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT
Sam, Donna, Josh, Ainsley, Larry and Ed are sitting at the large table and
are huddled
around an easel, brainstorming ideas for the speech.

SAM
Self-deprecation.

ED
Yes.

SAM
Self-deprecation is what we need.

LARRY
Yes.

SAM
Self-deprecation is the appetizer of charm.

ED
We need jokes about the staff.

SAM
We need jokes about the staff.

AINSLEY
[to Sam] Let's start with you.

SAM
Problem is there aren't many jokes you can make about me.

DONNA
How about this. Um, "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Sam and his prostitute
friend."

Ainsley, Ed and Larry laugh.

SAM
See, I think that was a bit of misdirected anger there.

DONNA
I'm okay with that.

SAM
Well, in that case, Ainsley, you know why I got you flowers in April instead
of February?
'Cause you ditched me the first time around to go back to the guy who ditched
you the
first time around only to have him ditch you the second time around.

Donna smacks Josh upside the back of the head.

JOSH
Ow! What the hell? That was him!

DONNA
He was being you!

JOSH
Well, in fairness, I think everybody should have a turn. Sam, is there
anything we can
pull, anything funny we can recycle?

SAM
Yeah, pull something I wrote from October called "Government-wide
Accountability for
Merit System Principles."

JOSH
That one was a real barn-burner, was it?

Josh stands up from the table, groaning, and exits the room to find the old
speech.

DONNA
[to Sam] Do you have any idea how much grief I took from him when I came back?

SAM
How much?

DONNA
None. I walked in the door. He said, "Thank God. There's a pile of stuff on the desk." This is his way. He's just going to snark me every April. Prince of passive-aggressive behavior.

SAM
What does "snark" mean?

DONNA
I don't know, but he's doing it.

SAM
There any coffee left?

ED
In the mess.

SAM
Anybody want anything?

AINSLEY
Do you think they have cheesecake down there?

SAM
[looks at his watch] It's quarter after midnight. The pastry chef usually
stays on
till dawn.

AINSLEY
I'll go see if there is.

Sam and Ainsley leave together out to the HALLWAY.

SAM
You know, we should make a joke about women, since there's no law against
that or paying
them less money than men.

AINSLEY
Well, there is a law against that. It's the Pay Equity Act, passed in 1964,
when women
were making fifty-nine cents to the dollar.

SAM
What are you making now?

AINSLEY
Seventy-nine cents.

SAM
So, everything's fine.

AINSLEY
No, there are still some problems. But I'm not worried 'cause the federal
government's
coming to the rescue.

SAM
Look...

AINSLEY
You think pay disparity is 'cause some sexist in human resources hired two
people for
equal positions and paid the man more?

SAM
Oftentimes...

AINSLEY
And oftentimes women make less money over the course of their lifetimes
because they
choose to.

SAM
Oh, goodnight nurse! They don't choose to make less money. They're financially
punished
for having kids.

AINSLEY
They make a choice to have kids.

SAM
Well, not necessarily if you guys have your way, but that's a different can
of tuna.
[beat] I flat-out guarantee you that if men were biologically responsible for
procreation, there'd be paid family leave in every Fortune 500.

AINSLEY
Sam, if men were biologically responsible for procreation, they'd fall down
and die at
the first sonogram.

Sam and Ainsley walk into THE MESS. Sam checks out the coffee maker while
Ainsley gathers
up cups and saucers.

SAM
If the Amendment's redundant, what's your problem if it's passed or not?

AINSLEY
Because I'm a Republican! Have we met? I believe that every time the federal
government
hands down a new law, it leaves for the rest of us a little less freedom. So
I say,
let's just stick to the ones we absolutely need to have water come out of
the faucet
and our cars not stolen. That is my problem with passing a redundant law.
[stands next to Sam with a full tray] Sam?

SAM
Yeah?

AINSLEY
The all-night pastry chef? You were just kidding about that, right?

SAM
Yeah.

Ainsley shoves the tray at Sam and walks toward the exit.

CUT TO: EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE PORTICO - NIGHT
Toby sits on a bench with his head in his hand. Leo walks slowly toward him
from the
direction of the Residence. Toby looks up as Leo approaches.

LEO
He's still on the phone with State in the Residence.

Leo looks across the White House grounds as thunder rumbles in the distance.

TOBY
So Hoynes knows?

LEO
Hmm?

TOBY
Hoynes is one of the 16?

LEO
Yeah.

TOBY
And he thinks the President won't run again?

LEO
He thinks there's a chance.

TOBY
Will he?

LEO
[sits] Will the President run?

TOBY
Where's the First Lady?

LEO
In Manchester.

TOBY
Why'd she come to me after the State of the Union?

LEO
Toby...

Leo looks at Toby, looks away, shakes his head, looks back at him.

TOBY
Why's she mad at the President? It's because the State of the Union set up
the
re-election run and somehow she's under the impression that's not supposed
to happen.

LEO
The First Lady...

TOBY
I have no kind of investigative mind. Zero. It took me six days and 23
minutes to
figure it out.

LEO
He'll run.

TOBY
Yeah, yeah 'cause we stood in that office a couple of months ago, you and I,
and you
said, "Take my hand," and we just...

Leo bows his head and nods. Toby looks drained and puts his hand to his head
again.

TOBY
Never mind.

LEO
He'll run.

TOBY
Hoynes was fourteen. Who was fifteen?

LEO
Dr. David Lee. The anesthesiologist at GW. He had to know about the
Betaseron.
Getting back to Hoynes...

TOBY
I'm sorry, Leo, but I need you to look at me right now and tell me that the
doctor's
not under some kind of surveillance.

LEO
The doctor's free to talk to whomever he likes.

TOBY
Well, I'm sure we're gonna find that out soon enough.

LEO
He's not gonna leak it.

TOBY
Someone will.

LEO
Toby...

TOBY
Leo, Hoynes left bread crumbs. He wanted me to find out. A camping trip to
Killington?

LEO
That was a jackass move.

TOBY
I don't think it was. I think he may be the only one around here who's acting
responsibly.

LEO
To who?

TOBY
The Democratic Party. Seven and a half months to the Iowa caucus, and no
one's been told
the President might not be the nominee!

LEO
He's gonna run!

TOBY
No, he may not have the option, Leo.

LEO
When this story breaks, it'll be because we broke it, and we'll control it. And the public will accept it. It's not like it's unprecedented that a President conceal health issues. [beat] What do you think is gonna happen? I mean it. What do you think is gonna
happen?

TOBY
[clears his throat, stands up and faces Leo] Well, I suppose one of five things. The President can decide not to run. He can run and not win. He can run and win.

LEO
And? What are the other two?

TOBY
Leo...

LEO
You think he's gonna need to resign?

TOBY
There's gonna be hearing upon hearing upon hearing.

LEO
He hasn't broken a law.

The door to the Oval Office opens. Leo stands up as Charlie steps outside.

CHARLIE
The President's on his way back.

LEO
Thanks.

Charlie goes back inside and shuts the door.

TOBY
Says you. [beat] You don't have to break the law to get served with articles of impeachment.

LEO
Toby, it is never gonna get that far.

TOBY
[chuckles softly] Write down the exact date and time you said that.

Toby goes back inside. Leo stares straight ahead watching him go.

CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT

DONNA
[to Larry and Ed] "See, the thing about me, is that mine is a dry wit. And a dry wit, like a fine martini, is best enjoyed..."

LARRY
Uh-oh...

DONNA
Yeah, nowhere to go there.

Sam and Ainsley walk into the room. Sam is carrying the tray of coffee.

ED
[to Sam] What the hell took so long?

SAM
We got the coffee but I spilled it coming up the stairs, you know, the first
couple of
times. Where's Josh?

DONNA
You sent him to get the thing.

SAM
For how long? I've had time to spill coffee, you know, a lot.

DONNA
I'll find him.

Donna stands up and leaves to find Josh.

SAM
So, guys...

ED
Yeah?

SAM
When I was downstairs, I made a decision. I'm gonna register with the
Republican Party,
and I'll tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom-loving
people.

AINSLEY
We also like beef.

SAM
You know, you insist government is depraved for not legislating against what
we can see
on the newsstands, or what we can see in an art exhibit, or what we can burn
in protest,
or which sex we're allowed to have sex with, or a woman's right to choose,
but don't you
dare try to regulate this deadly weapon I have concealed on me, for that
would encroach
against my freedom.

AINSLEY
Yeah? And Democrats believe in free speech as long as it isn't prayer while
you're
standing in school. You believe in the Freedom of Information Act except if
you want to
find out if your fourteen-year-old daughter's had an abortion...

SAM
We believe in the ERA.

AINSLEY
Well, go get 'em.

SAM
How can you have an objection to something that says...?

AINSLEY
Because it's humiliating! A new amendment that we vote on, declaring that I am equal under the law to a man. I am mortified to discover there's reason to believe I wasn't before. I am a citizen of this country. I am not a special subset in need of your protection. I do not have to have to have my rights handed down to me by a bunch of old, white men. The same Article 14 that protects you, protects me. And I went to law school just to make sure. And with that, I'm going back down to the mess, because I thought I may have seen, there, a peach. [leaves]

SAM
[to Larry and Ed] I could've countered that, but I'd already moved on to
other things
in my head.

CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Donna walks down the hall and stops in the doorway to Josh's office. Josh
is standing
precariously on a chair trying to reach the top shelf of his very overloaded
bookcase.

DONNA
Josh.

JOSH
Oh!

Numerous books and binders cascade to the floor.

JOSH
Well, that was predictable.

DONNA
Yes.

JOSH
I'm trying to find that speech Sam said.

Josh steps down, kneels on floor and starts picking up the mess he's made.

DONNA
You know, we keep them on computer.

JOSH
Well, sure, yeah, I suppose.

DONNA
Except you don't know how to use a computer.

Donna kneels down on the floor facing Josh and helps him clean up.

JOSH
Right.

DONNA
Ah, Josh, Josh, Josh.

JOSH
Yes?

DONNA
Joshua, Josh, Josh.

JOSH
What the hell is happening now?

DONNA
You feel, I believe, because you're quite addle-minded, that this job was
my second
choice.

JOSH
Hey, I'm just grateful we were your last choice.

DONNA
I'm gonna give you a little gift right now, which you don't deserve.

JOSH
Donna, if you've got your old Catholic-school uniform on under there, don't
get me wrong,
I applaud the thought, but...

DONNA
Okay, what I need is for you to stop being like, you, for a second.

JOSH
Okay.

DONNA
When I came back, you remember I had a bandage on my ankle?

JOSH
Yeah.

DONNA
I told you I slipped on the ice on the front walk?

JOSH
Yeah. You know why? 'Cause you didn't put down the kitty litter.

DONNA
I was actually in a car accident.

JOSH
You were in a car accident?

DONNA
It was...
JOSH
Seriously, you were in an accident?

DONNA
It was no big deal.

JOSH
You told me it was a late thaw.

DONNA
[smiles] Yes. I did. Anyway, they took me to the hospital and I called him
and he came
to get me and on the way he stopped and met some friends of his for a beer.

JOSH
[incredulously] He stopped on the way to the hospital for a beer?

DONNA
Yes. And that's why I left him. Which was the point of my telling you this. I
left him.
So stop remembering that. What I remember is that you took me back when you
had
absolutely no reason to trust me again, and you didn't make fun of me or him,
and
you had every reason to.

JOSH
Donna...

DONNA
You're gonna make fun of him now, aren't you?

JOSH
No.

DONNA
'Cause that's why I didn't tell you in the first place.

JOSH
I'm not gonna make fun of him.

DONNA
Good.

JOSH
But just what kind of a dumbkes were you...

DONNA
He was supposed to meet some of his friends. He stopped on the way to tell
them that
he couldn't.

JOSH
And had a beer?

DONNA
Does this make you feel superior?

Josh looks away and starts to say something, but doesn't.

DONNA
Yes, you are better than my old boyfriend.

Josh stands up and walks toward the door, but stops in the doorway.

JOSH
I'm just sayin' if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer.

DONNA
[stands up] If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights. Thanks
for
taking me back. [walks out of his office] Oh, and the flowers are beautiful.

Josh stands in the doorway staring after her.

CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Leo and Toby sit silently facing each other.

TOBY
Why not heightened security?

LEO
Hmm?

TOBY
At the airports. Why not heightened security? What's the downside?

Leo and Toby stand as Bartlet enters from the veranda.

BARTLET
[leaning on a wing chair] Sorry about that.

LEO
What's going on?

BARTLET
Charlie! [to Leo] I've got to make the call.

CHARLIE
[enters] Yes, sir?

BARTLET
Let's get Gareth back.

Charlie nods and closes the door. Bartlet sighs and glances at Toby. Toby
meets his gaze,
then looks away. Bartlet checks his watch. Leo senses the tension, looks at
Toby, then
looks at Bartlet.

LEO
Toby was just asking what the downside of going to a security condition was.

BARTLET
The scanners they use take an hour to search the luggage of 250 passengers. The
condition
requires two photo IDs. Most people only have one. Delays. Delays are the
downside.

CHARLIE
[knocks] Mr. Gareth.

BARTLET
That timed out well.

Bartlet sits down in the chair and picks up the phone. Leo and Toby sit on
the sofas.

BARTLET
[into phone] Hal? Okay, let's do it. I'm ordering the airports to a
2-condition. You'll
have it in writing in about five minutes. Thanks. [hangs up, to Leo] I didn't
know enough.

TOBY
I know the feeling.

BARTLET
[calmly] I have no intention of apologizing to you, Toby.

TOBY
Would you mind if I ask why not?

BARTLET
'Cause you're not the one with MS, a wife, three kids and airports to
close. Not every
part of me belongs to you. This was personal. I'm not willing to relinquish
that right.

Bartlet stands up, walks over behind his desk. Leo and Toby stand.

TOBY
It will appear to many, if not most, as fraud. It will appear as if you
denied the voters
an opportunity to decide for themselves. They're generally not willing to
relinquish that
right, either.

Bartlet and Leo silently and solemnly look at each other, absorbing Toby's
words.
The clock ticks softly in the background.

BARTLET
Yeah.

TOBY
Mr. President, at some point in the near future, we're going to have to
speak to some
lawyers.

BARTLET
Well, that's what usually brings on the episodes, but if you say so.

TOBY
[laughs quietly and icily to himself] It's 17 people, by the way.

BARTLET
I'm sorry?

TOBY
You knew. We weren't counting you. It's 17 people.

Bartlet looks at Leo, who looks pained. Bartlet removes his glasses, puts
them down on
his desk and sighs wearily.

BARTLET
I don't know. [shakes his head slowly] It may have been unbelievably stupid. It
may have
been unthinkably stupid. I don't know.

Toby meets Bartlet's gaze.

BARTLET
I'm sorry. I really am.

Leo is stunned. Toby shifts a bit from side to side. They are all silent
for several
moments.

TOBY
I've gotta go in the other room and uh...

BARTLET
Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow. Thanks.

TOBY
Thank you, Mr. President.

Toby leaves the Oval Office but does not close the door behind him. He pauses briefly in the foyer, then proceeds a few steps across the hall to THE ROOSEVELT ROOM and opens the door. Voices and laughter envelope Toby as he enters the room and sits down at the table.

JOSH [OS]
That was... I think that's a good one.

There is general good-humored disagreement with Josh.

SAM [OS]
Toby!

DONNA [OS]
Toby!

JOSH [OS]
We're dying here, what do you got?

ED [OS]
Um, okay. So, the President was asked to pick tonight's menu and he says,
"Oh, just
serve anything you want except lame duck."

LARRY [OS]
Toby, listen, listen to this.

TOBY
[weakly] Okay.

LARRY [OS]
So the President says, "I know times are tough. The NASDAQ just filed for
not-for-profit
status."

SAM [OS]
Toby.

Sam tosses Toby his ball, which he catches. Toby looks pained, but continues
to listen
to joke suggestions.

AINSLEY [OS]
Okay, what about the one about the Pentagon?

Over Toby's shoulder, framed by the French doors of the Roosevelt Room,
Bartlet signs a
document as Charlie looks on. Leo steps into view, with a stern look on his
face, and
closes the door to the Oval Office.

JOSH [OS]
Okay, uh, you have to try and imagine that the President is saying it. Tell
me if you
think this is funny.

A single sound echoes the opening rhythm of Toby bouncing his ball against
the wall.

DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END