[VERONICA, spoken]
Dear Diary: It’s been three weeks since I became friends with the Heathers. "Friends" isn’t the right word, exactly. It’s more like the Heathers are people I work with and our job is being popular and shit.

[MARTHA, spoken]
Hey, Veronica.

[VERONICA, spoken]
Hey.

[MARTHA, spoken]
You really look beautiful these days.

[VERONICA, spoken]
Yeah, well, it’s still the same me underneath.

[MARTHA, spoken]
Are you sure?

[VERONICA, spoken]
Look, I’m sorry I flaked on movie night last week. I’ve had a lot going on...

[MARTHA, spoken]
It’s fine. You’re with the Heathers now. It’s exciting.

[VERONICA, spoken]
It’s whatever. But we’ll hang soon, I promise.
(HEATHER DUKE arrives, interrupting)

[HEATHER DUKE, spoken]
Veronica! Heather says to haul ass to the table, pronto.

[VERONICA, spoken]
How very.

(VERONICA and H. DUKE approach the HEATHER table. H. CHANDLER waits impatiently with H. MACNAMARA)

[HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken]
Veronica, I need a forgery in Ram Sweeney’s handwriting. You’ll need something to write on. Heather, bend over.

(H. DUKE bends over to allow VERONICA to write. VERONICA pops in a monocle and writes as H. CHANDLER dictates)

[HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken]
Write this: “I’ve been watching you...and thinking about us
In the old days. I hope you can come to my homecoming party this weekend. I miss you... Ram.” Put an XO after the signature.

[VERONICA, spoken]
What’s this for anyway?

[HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken]
I just found out Ram used to hang with Martha Dumptruck.

[VERONICA, spoken]
Well yeah, in kindergarten. We all did.
[HEATHER DUKE, spoken]
We all didn't kiss on the kickball field.

[HEATHER MACNAMARA, spoken]
Oh my god, that's right! I remember! Ram kissed Martha Dumptruck. It was disgusting!

(H. CHANDLER takes the note)

[HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken]
Perfect.

(KURT and RAM enter)

[KURT, spoken]
It would be so righteous to be in the middle of a Veronica/Heather sandwich.

(They punch fists. H. CHANDLER flags them down)

[HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken]
Ram, be a sweetie and give this note to Martha Dumptruck for me.

[VERONICA, spoken]
What? No!

[RAM, spoken]
Since when do you talk to that lard-ass?
(RAM starts to unfold the note. H. CHANDLER stops him)

[HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken]
Don’t read it. She’s having extra-heavy flow and wanted some advice from my gyno.

[RAM, spoken]
Ugh!

(RAM and KURT move off with the note. VERONICA, horrified, lunges for the note and yanks it from RAM’s hands. Instantly she’s surrounded by HEATHERS)

[HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken]
What are you doing?