[Intro (Spoken): Lewis, Simon & Santa (Ross)]
Oh, we're finally here Simon. The North Pole!
Oh, I can't wait to meet him Lewis!
I wonder why he invited us here?
Ho ho ho! Lewis, Simon, please come in!
Now, you're probably wondering why I invited you here
So let me tell you, in a song!

[Verse 1: Santa (Ross) & Elves]
Christmas is a special time of year
(A special time of year)
It's so joyful, it fills your heart with cheer
(Your heart with cheer)
As Santa, it is my job to spread a little joy
(Spread a little joy)
And to give all the good boys and girls a brand new little toy
(Ah-ah)
But there's onе thing I hate at Christmas, I must admit
(I hate Christmas)
Between you and mе, the songs, are a little bit shit
(Ah-ah)
That's why you're here, in my grotto
The best song writers I know

[Chorus: Lewis, Simon, Santa (Ross) & Elves]
I want you (he wants you)
To write me (to write him)
The best Christmas song (ev-)
Ever (-er)
Oh, we'd love to Santa, but-
Or I'm going to fuck you up
What? I beg your pardon?
[Post-Chorus: Santa (Ross)]
That's right!
If you don't write me the best Christmas song
I'm gonna fuck you up, all night long
I'll work you harder than I work the elves
Make you wish, you were down in Hell!
I am the North Pole's reining heavyweight champ'
So do as I say, or on your head I will stamp
If you don't write the best Christmas song ever
Now get to it!

[Verse 2: Lewis & Simon]
Simon, what are we going to do?
There's no way that we can do this
He'll turn us into reindeer food
There's just no way that we can write
A better song than Wham! in just one night
Oh, come on
'Last Christmas' ain't even that good

Get it together Lewis
We've got to do this
We can't let him fuck us up
With our heads combined
We'll blow his mind
All we need, is a Christmas miracle!
[Chorus: Lewis, Simon & Both]
And then we'll (and then we'll)
We'll write him (we'll write him)
The best Christmas song ever

[Verse 3: Lewis & Simon]
But what should be in the best Christmas song ever?
What should it be about?
I've got a few ideas Lewis
The best Christmas song
Should be about a snowman
Or maybe the elves, or a Christmas tree!
Or how Christmas began!
The best Christmas song is full of joy and fun
Singing out with everyone
It's about that feeling you get deep inside
And roasting chestnuts by the fire side

Oh my God, we're actually doing it Simon!
I knew I could do it Lewis
What else makes the best Christmas song ever?
It's about decking the halls
Dancing around the Christmas tree
Don't forget, the baubles and tinsel
And kids on Santa's knee
Oh the best Christmas song is almost done
I'm sure it will chart number one
Let's celebrate with some sherry from my cup
Now he won't need to fuck us up!
[Chorus: Lewis, Simon & Both]
And now we've
Written him
The best fucking Christmas song!
Ever

[Bridge: Lewis, Simon, Santa (Ross) & Lewis & Simon]
I'm back! Where's my fucking song?
Uhh, it's right here Santa!
Well, let me hear it!
Yes yes, right away Santa!
Simon, press play
Oh yeah

*Jingle Cats plays*
What the fuck is this?
Well it's a jingle cats and-
Everyone loves cats-
Am I some kind of joke to you?
I thought
I asked you
To write me
The best Christmas song
Ever
And you've only fucking gone and done it!
Hurray!

[Outro: Lewis, Simon, Santa (Ross) & Everyone]
Oh, ho ho!
This is the best Christmas song I've ever heard!
The idea of combining existing Christmas songs and cats
It's so original!
Hahaha... Yeah... Uh
I love it!
Oh, ho ho!
If I found out you stole that idea from somewhere else
I'd have to fuck you up
Haha, well we'd better be off!
Thankyou Santa! I'm glad you like it
Uh, Simon, let's get out of here
Oh, ho ho, so soon? I was going to make eggnog!
Oo eggnog!
Oh go on then, just one
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas

You wrote me
We wrote you
The best Christmas song
Ever