Nobody told me how hard life is
The ups but mostly downs, so I ball my fists
Bullet to the head, I won't even be missed
You think my life's been easy? You don't know the half of it
Trauma after trauma, I'm just good at maskin' it
I'm laughing with casual friends wondering if they'll become emotional casualties if my life just ends
Trying to find reasons not to give in
What about Heaven? Maybe I won't get in
And I don't want another man loving my wife or raising my kid
And who's gonna talk to my followers if I don't live?
Who's gonna tell them that they're worth something even though I feel worthless?
Who's gonna say "Please Don't Kill Yourself" even though I wonder if it's worth it?
Who's gonna tell them that Jesus can heal their depression?
I guess they'll have to go back and listen to Reflections because I have a confession
I still suffer with mine, from time to time
Thank God it's not constant like it used to be
I rebuke it, and I pray, and I believe
But sometimes it's like a tidal wave that out of nowhere comes crashing over me
And suddenly I'm trapped back beneath the sea
I trash and scream as I try to come up to breathe
But sometimes his grip just tightens around me
Mouth gets dry, heart starts pounding
A numbness starts in my head and moves to my feet
I break out into sweat as I lay in the sheets
I don't need a license to conceal a weapon, I need one to conceal me
Beneath God's wings, Psalm 17
I see a whole lotta David when I look at me
I'll go toe-to-toe with a giant any day of the week
Not because I'm a fighter, but because there's a dog in me
If you talk about my God, then you talk about me
I'm 32 on way to 33
But I wouldn't approach Goliath today with a sling when I could give him a double-tap with an AR-15
A little crazy, yeah, that's me, and David, too
He struggled with lust, and I do, too
We don't embrace God's grace as much as we need
Because sometimes past sins make suicide seem like such a sudden relief
David was depressed, but was he depressed as me?
A pistol with the trigger half-squeezed? Half mania, half me?
Did he even stand on a cliff and think about taking the leap?
Not thinking about anything or anybody, only wanting to leave?
'Cause I did, yeah, that was me
I used to daydream about getting duct-taped to a missile
I'm an astronaut, black stripes blow whistles
For traveling, okay official
Going to bed with hopes of not waking up is so wishful, isn't it blissful?
Like Eve when she believed the lie of Lucifer and bit into a fistful
I'm too young to have thoughts this old
So here I am in that rain again, and became a friend, and when you claim a friend, you name a friend, and I've named her Drama
There'd be days like this, or so said mama
I guess the clouds get darker when the demons get on ya
I guess the crowds get larger when they see you go under
Are they there to pray or prey? Sometimes I wonder
"A" or "e", the second letter is a blunder
Because I'm backed by the God who quakes the earth and rolls the thunder
But when will these storms stop? Man, sometimes, I wonder