I have battles I wouldn't want you to see
And I always want people to see the best in me
But if you see the real me, you see something inside that's been festering
For ten years it's been eating me alive
And don't tell me quick fix because whatever it is, I've already tried
The first time I got asked if I was on medication, I lied
I equated those depression pills with having my perfection killed
I kept the bottle hidden under my bed
And even when the sun was out, I heard the thunder instead
And somewhere along the way, I started feeling like I was on a slope that had me slipping away into somewhere I didn't wanna be
And I hated that place, and I hate it still
I felt suicidal when I'd pop those pills
I remember sitting at Thanksgiving dinner with my family
I wasn't saying much as the food was handed to me
And then my grandma looked at me randomly
She asked me how she could pray for me
I told her I was fine and turned my head shamefully
Being with my loved ones didn't feel the same to me
Because basically I wasn't the same me
I wanted so bad to stand on that table and scream for someone to save me
I needed help, I just didn't know who to turn to
So many relationships I burned through
Lookin' back, I was just lookin' for love
Or maybe love was lookin' for me
Either way, I was in a place I never wanted to be
And it all started when I saw things at a young age I was never meant to see
And hearing him scream affected me mentally
Those few minutes of horror felt like a century
For years after, it was like a package of loneliness had been sent to me
And I wish I woulda never opened the mail
But memories aren't something you can return to sender
The past ten winters, it felt like winter
And the things I saw I'll take to my grave
I wish I woulda helped you, Dave
And I wish someone woulda helped me, too
But I got really good at building up a wall that wasn't see-through
And I thought those pills and doctor notes would see me through
They never did
I'm twenty-eight now, but if I blink my eyes, I swear it was yesterday that I was just a kid
And I remember thinkin' nothing could ever hold me down
And I still believe that now
But I wasn't prepared for what lurking around the corner
I thought I had it all planned out and my life was in order
But I had my defenses up even though something snuck across the border
I ended up face-down in my pillow fighting demons in my head
And sometimes I stopped fighting and they left me for dead
And if you haven't been through the valley, I don't expect you to understand what I just said
But the valley couldn't mold me
The Devil couldn't hold me
And I stopped buying the garbage the world always sold me
I stood to my feet and started walkin' away from the old me
I stopped believin' the things those demons told me
I started believing Jesus instead
And for the first time in years, I felt like I was no longer dead
You see, death isn't just a state of lifelessness
Sometimes it's a life of strife and stress
Satan called me by my depression, but God called me by my best
And He was the only reason I pulled myself out of bed
And He's the only reason I have hope for a better tomorrow
I stopped opening the mail and reading the Devil's letters of sorrow
And I started reading the Bible instead
After all, it's the only thing that brings life to the dead
And it's the only thing that brought life to me
More life than those Lexapro pills could bring
So to the Devil, I finally see that you cannot silence me
Your muzzle of medication melancholy will not fit me now
And the weight of this world cannot get me down
Because I'm flying higher than I've ever been
I'm on the top of Mount Everest
I'm planting my flag of faith up here
I have no fear
I have no worries and no anxiety
I used to believe Satan, but all he did was lie to me
So stop talking in my ear, you're dead to me, you died to me
I'm alive, my God, I can see
I can breathe
And when I can breathe, I breathe freely without the fear of suffocation
I'm on a permanent mental state of vacation
I'm on this track of faith and best believe I'm racing
And nobody is gonna catch me now
And no depression can get me down
'Cause I was lost, but I promise you now I'm found
I'm walking on clouds, and I forget what it feels like to walk on the ground
And Jesus has me, and I have Him
I'm no longer defined by the shame of my sin
I'm no longer a picture of the scars on my skin
But rather the scars and the whips that were brought on Him
I'm defined by His righteousness
I'm telling you, man, believe me, there's life in this
And there's hope in this
You don't have to live a life of loneliness
Take it from me, I've walked through the shadows of death
And I never let it take my best
And I'm telling you right now, if you come to Jesus, He'll give you rest
Just like He gave me life
I picked up my Bible and put down the knife
And I took off my backpack of pain and locked up my demons in a briefcase
And when I stand before God one day, it'll be a brief case
I don't need a defense because the Judge doesn't call me by my shame
He calls me by my name
Forgiven, free
Even when I'm depressed, I thank God that when He sees Jesus, He sees me