I have some confessions to make
And this won't be quick
'Cause if I'm honestly being honest, when I look at my past, I see sin, and there's a lot of it
I didn't memorize this because I'll never perform it
I just needed to get it off my chest before I burn it
Sometimes I feel like I'm caught up in a whirlwind that just won't set me down
And my dad used to sit me down
And he'd tell me yesterday doesn't matter, it's what you do with today that counts
But sometimes I feel like tomorrow will just be another yesterday
And I'll be honest
I've even contemplated not going any farther
I bet you didn't see that coming
But there are no perfect people, are there?
I was nineteen years old and I put a gun to my chest
I figured I'd put the bullet there instead of my head
Maybe I didn't want to ruin the thought of an empty casket
So many things led me to that point and I couldn't continue to mask it
And I'm just trying to be open right now with the masses who've amassed with no knowledge of my past
Because there is a past that I do not like looking at, but it likes looking at me
And talking to me
And reminding me of all my failures and faults
And the people I've hurt and the counsel I've fought
I've always pushed people back
A lot of friends I've lost that I'll never get back
But my actions told them to get back
Like they were helpless to help the construction zone that I had become
I've always been a work in progress
But there is no progress if there is no progression
But maybe progression comes with making these confessions
I'm not happy with who I am, and I don't think I'll ever be this side of eternity
But some of you put me on a pedestal like I think he's so spiritual or at least he'd better be
I watched him preach, and he even met with me
I'll never forget what he said to me
"God has a plan for your life"
And I probably did say that, and I believe it's right
But when I don't say when I meet you is how lonely it feels on these aluminum flights
Boarding pass, please, where are you going?
The flight has been delayed because right now it's snowing
So take your baggage and sit over there
We'll alert you as soon as we can get you back in the air
And sometimes I wished they wouldn't alert me
Because the higher I get on those planes
The more that it hurts me to think how close I am to Heaven
And how I'm so unworthy
I prefer the window seat, but not for the view
For the distance from the aisle so I can close my eyes and pretend I'm sleeping
So the flight attendants won't bug me with offers of pretzels and water
And it's not that I don't like pretzels
And every man needs water
But it's what I'm reminded of when I'm that close to Heaven
And they hand me that cup, and I see my reflection
I see the woman at the well
But it's me and Jesus there instead, and He knows me well
Maybe not five-wived with a life full of lies
But still enough to put her and I on level playing ground
She was ashamed of her sin, so she hid from her town
But to me, it's not just a town
I've got millions listening to what I'm saying now
TV show offers, book deals, movie scripts sit on my nightstand
And somehow all I wanna say is I'm not who you think I am
First high yelling "When I Became A Man"
That's just God in me
And the boldness He provides is plenty
But I'm just another Paul fighting the feelings of sin that feel so empty
And I don't always win when the Devil tempts me
And he tempts me a lot
The opportunities to fall came pouring in the bigger I got
Everybody wants popularity until it puts you in a bubble
And everyone around you warns you so much about failing
That you start thinking everything you do can get you in trouble
God must've been crazy when He gathered the angels in a heavenly huddle
Like "I'm sending Clayton to tell the world"
Twenty-million people later, I'm like what in the world
Why me?
And I still wonder that
And you all wonder why I spend so much time under this hat
Ever feel like crawling under the carpet or hiding under a mat?
Yeah, it's kinda like that
I use a hat to hide me from my surroundings when I'm under attack
So many sitting on the sidelines forget that the Christian life is a race
On a track, in the middle of a firefight with demons who love to put a target on your back
So I keep changing shirts, but it's still there
I'd complain about being slandered and cursed and claim it's not fair
But I'd rather be on the front lines screaming Jesus than sitting in a chair
In a room, looking out the window
And thinking would anyone miss me if I pulled this trigger and released this lead?
I mean, I'd be dead
But would anyone miss me?
But that's not what kept me from doing it
I'm a coward
That's why I didn't do it
I could've never done it, and I knew it
No matter how bad I wanted to, I was afraid of what would happen next
"NEXT, why are you here?"
"I killed myself on my bed in my room, I'm sorry"
"I know what you did, but who said that decision was up to you?
I created you, I gave you that life
And ending it wasn't up to you, it was up to Me
And you failed Me
Depart from Me, I never knew you"
That's why I didn't do it
Fear
But it was that same fear that kept my depression near
And the doctors told me to pop pills and sent me on my way
So I popped those pills thinking I'd somehow someday see the blue through the gray
And I tried hiding it until a pastor I knew told me he was depressed
And that blew me away
I'd been surrounded by so many actors, I started believing their screenplays
You can play a lot of tricks on the screens of social media
With smiling faces and motivational quotes
And I felt like I was the only one in this ocean of loneliness drifting away on a boat
And the funny thing is, I'm the one who boarded that raft
I ignored the warnings, pushed off the dock, and watched my safety drift past
How bad could the ocean be?
It sucks, it's cold, and it's lonely
And everything it promises you is a lie
You're thirsty? Drink saltwater, watch your lips dry up as time creeps by
And there I was, a mess on the inside who had stapled a smile to his face
And I could blame a million things that put me in that place
And it's weird that I talk like it's past tense
Because I wake up some mornings, and I'm still there, and it's tragic
Because sometimes I feel like I can't breathe
And I close my eyes until that feeling leaves
And what's the cure? Of course
Pick up your Bible and read
And that's what I tell people when they ask me
But when I say goodbye and get in that taxi
I wonder if they actually listen
Or if they thought I was just giving them a cheap prescription masked in fake spirituality so I could be on my way
Because if they're like me, they know the incredible weight of that Book when you go to pick it up after not being able to get out of bed for days
So did they listen to me or blow off every word that I say?
And I don't blame them if they do
Because I know what they're going through, too
And people's advice never helped me either
You're expected to be perfect when you become a believer
If you believe that, you're stupid
Or maybe just new
Because following Jesus is the hardest thing you could ever do
I'm trying to follow Him and forget that I've been used
And I've used other people, too
This world is not my home, but I sure did dirty the walls while traveling through
And I could lie to you and tell you it's all golden roads and prosperity
But I follow Jesus, so I won't
Because neither did He
He promised a hard life with a lot of sorrow
But He promised strength to get through the depression, anxiety, murder, rape, adultery, divorce, diseases, death, and pains of tomorrow
And the next day, and whatever comes after that
I hope I'm young when I die
Maybe a car crash or a heart attack
Because I've seen the American dream, and I don't want any part of that
I just wanna be where I found my peace
At the foot of the cross of Jesus
Feet
It's really the only place I've ever felt complete
Like I mattered
Like I belonged
Fulfilled and satisfied, no more void in my chest
But for now, I've been put to the test
Because I'm just a mess who God is using as a messenger
And this is His message for the world to see
"Don't follow Clayton, come follow Me"