I have dreams of a crazy fan walking up to say hey to me
He starts crying, talkin' about being unemployed and how he wrote me letters asking pray for me
Now, you're gonna pay for me
So he pulls a 9-milli and preys on me
Nightmares about fanatics who wanna kill me
News articles in the attic, rest in peace Christina Grimmie
When you got shot back in 2016, every meet and greet line I stood in frightened me
I could feel the paranoia begin tightening
And my meet and greets are small, I'm sure yours were way bigger
Mine are just filled with way sicker
And I don't mean cooler
I mean the blue type like they came straight from the cooler
Not people with money, I'm talkin' people from sewers
The people I call family, the people the world calls losers
The down and outs with scars on their wrists
Daydreamers about turning the wheel off the cliff to feel the car when it hits
The older they get, the more mania sets in, and the meaner they get
The bipolar types charged with misdemeanors
When they're misunderstood, demeanor begins to split
Because how long can you chain someone before they hate you?
And how long can you taunt someone before they take you?
And half of us feel like we've been chained to God's playground and told go ahead kids, play
Just play nice
But how can you play nice when you're basically caged mice?
Given seventy to eighty playing guessing games on what follows this life
I've seen the grim reaper two times, and I've followed him twice
Just to try to strangle him so he couldn't take another life
Just to keep him away from these kids in bathtubs, we don't need any more knives
You tell me to take a break and believe me, I've tried
You tell me to go kill myself but believe me, I've died
Emotionally
So thank you for the fan mail and the notes to me
But most notably the ones that say I saved your life
Kids about to take their life
But I show up online, and I'm like
"Here just try
To take my hand
And we'll get through this together"
I didn't realize millions of us would become tethered together
Sinking in storms of depression, we're stuck in this weather forever
Now I'm like, "If I kill myself, we all drown together"
I've learned that a following isn't something to be treasured
It's gossip, slander, and piles of pressure
So we're stuck in this maze, and God says play nice
But I don't think it's nice having an existence that could change completely, believe me, with one roll of the dice
I mean am I the only person that thinks these thoughts every night, guys?
Tuck me into my casket, I daydream about nighttime
Got diagnosed with bipolar and told take the red pill or blue
Stuck in this new matrix, I didn't know what to do
So I chose the red pill because I've never liked blue
I lived there too much with my thoughts in the gloom
But red pill meant new meds and eyes open to Big Pharma
If I get killed for saying this, don't you dare say it's karma
Probably headhunters who hunt the heads they mess up in the first place
So if there's an enemy to pills, then put me in first place
But if you're handing some out, then give me the first taste
I was as skinny as Dallas Buyers Club McConaughey's bones
Pills made me feel like a time to kill was my only way home
It will haunt you like a bullet
Ask Sandra Bullock
Strapped to a bus that's all speed
I just referenced three movies with two actors
One twist but still no recognition for me
Got another hate article? Just text it to me
I'll forward it over for my lawyers to see
I'm a mess some people write and wish they could be
Too many terrible things that you can't see
You're Stevie Wonder to my world but act like you got 20/20
Barbara Walters wannabe, and these stalkers just hunt me
Hit piece after hit piece with hopes it would stunt me
My following quadrupled, isn't that funny?
And the dirt I have on my enemies? It's stunning
A two-hour conversation recorded on my phone
Detailing every piece of secret drama from my enemies homes
So should I destroy them like they tried to destroy me or just leave it alone?
I tossed the recording to my lawyers like here Pitbulls, have another bone
If I release this convo, a whole lotta people are coming off their thrones
I've been keeping watch, private eyes with secret drones
And little do my attackers know
That this game could end the second I release this dirt
It's so tempting to sit back and launch bombs to watch them squirm the way I hurt
But for now, I took the high road when I got on the highway
Hi, Ray
Friends turned enemies turned stalkers turned crazed
Catch 'em creeping on my social media pages day after day
But what can you do for your enemies except pray?
So I pray every day I never have to see another fake friend again
Especially when it tempts me to release all of their secret, sick sins
They thought they killed me like Bruce Willis Six Sense
Thought they bankrupted me, need to borrow six cents?
Because God has blessed us, believe me
And I'd tell you look, but you already see me
Stalking me online, watching me laughin'
Afraid to see me in person, was all fake love back then
You'd give anything for my popularity or ability with this pen
But won't attack me face-to-face, so they just sit back with their friends
In their living rooms after another Bible study
Man, oh, man, isn't life funny?
The wicked flee when nobody pursues them, but they take off running
Bold as lions? If a lion is a kitty
Some day I won't be around to write this poetry, I wonder if you'll miss me
I know my critics will because they'll have to go back to talking about CrossFit
Angry they couldn't crucify me with a cross that wouldn't fit
And while I'm on this tangent, let me rant for a bit
Maybe I do need to get anger management
I'll text my assistant to get to planning it
But why is it that these people who post workout pictures online look the exact same they have for the last ten years straight?
But they're sure to let us know in every post, "I'm headed to the gym to press these plates"
But pressing plates won't work if you're still pressing full plates straight to your face
Some things never change, including their weight
And it doesn't bother me when people are fat
I could care less as a matter of fact
This is just me playing with some words and taking some jabs
This is me warning people that I'm tempted to pull off scabs
Every one of you could get dragged
You know who you are, I don't need to call names
Same girls who gossiped about my wife while looking like they coulda starred in The Hunger Games
If the movies was all about eating
Because if it's gossip, believe me, these big girls are feasting
I'm just teasing
Just please don't eat me
I swear it's not as cool as you think to be me
It's scary at night, and the voices get louder
Seconds turn to minutes, and minutes turn to hours
Got written about a lot by a bunch of weirdos but never met one in person, cowards
So welcome to my life where the light gets darker but I get louder
Where my enemies fade, but I gain power
Maybe someday I'll jump from the building with our president's name on the tower
And on my way down, I'll think about all the mistakes I've made
And the fools for friends I made
And the bed I made in an old dark grave
But you can't kill a soul that's already been saved
And the Devil can remind me of nobodies, but he already got played
Just like my haters are playing this poetry right now
So ring the bells and drive my hearse around at night through the town
Had a thousand liars try to sink me but still refused to drown
Had a thousand fires try to burn me as I screamed out loud
Because what's been killing me isn't from the outside
It's from within
So I'm sorry if I kill myself to go be with Him
And if escaping a place I never belonged makes me a sinner, then I guess I've sinned
And if killing myself makes the critics laugh, then I guess I still win in the end
Because surely nobody would laugh at that if they were a real Christian
Right, like we ever thought they were
I'm not suicidal because I'm sad, I'm suicidal because I'm hurt
I've tried the Bible, prayer, therapy, and medication and not a single thing worked
I feel worked
Exhausted
Stumbling over these feet that weigh a million pounds
But when I die, they won't just talk about my death around small towns
I'm not like you, and you're not like me
I didn't waste my life and grow up to be a fake pastor who hunts big names as a hobby
When I die, they won't be able to squeeze the crowd through the lobby
Did you pay for that tummy tuck or did-, okay, never mind, somebody stop me
I'll keep all this powder dry if my enemies get cocky
Clayton dug up a lotta skeletons, oh no, you got me
But don't worry, I'm taking a break from boxing like Rocky
But I'll unleash hell with this info next time, stop me
If you wanted me dead, all you had to do was hand me a pistol to pop me
That's how you coulda got me
'Cause if you hate me, believe me, I hate me more
I find myself crying alone on the floor
I hear Jamie knocking on the other side of the door
And all I really want is to work up enough courage to jump to the other side
Ten thousand posts go up saying our brother died
Ten million tears shed, our mothers cried
These are the thoughts that play on repeat inside of my mind
And I have an eerie feeling my death date is nearing its time
So if this is the end, and I find the courage to do it
You heard it here first, so you already knew it
But if I still have some time left to work things out
Then expect a whole lot more poetry to come from this mouth
I guess I'm a rebel 'cause I've got blood from the south
And rebels don't die easy, so don't cry when it's time to leave me
Just let me rest in peace until my body rots to pieces
Just remember my body is in the grave, but my soul is with Jesus