Clayton Jennings

You'll never know what it's like
Livin' on the other side
Of truth
And you
I tried to give you everything
I just couldn't give you me
And I died
When you cried
'Cause I knew

There's so many things I wanna keep hidden from you
The only thing good about me is when I'm good riddance, it's true
How is it you're my daughter, but I'm hiding from you?
"Daddy, you okay?", I say yes, but I'm lying to you
So many things I was dying to prove
I wasn't just losing me, I was losing you
You're three now, what happened to two?
I remember what happened to one
Best year for our family until T1
DKA the day after you turned one
We were in South Africa, you, me, and your mom
Had we fallen asleep you'd be gone
I put hands on people, was it right? Was I wrong?
Taxi driver, ER liars, I'm a dragon, feel the fire
Your dad's a whole lot of things but not a punk, I'm a fighter
Never slacked at being a father or provider
Watching you die was like gas to my lighter
Full pro pain, my heart bust open on the grill in the fire
Just keep walking baby, Daddy's right behind you
You're safe love, I'd fly to Mercury to find you
Make Elon Musk maneuver me to Mars to be beside you
The stars aren't even like you
I'm a wordsmith feeling worthless when I try to describe you
The dark side of the moon can't even hide you
Listen Belle, there's a light deep inside you
Don't let 'em dim it, believe me, they'll try to
Don't listen to dimwits, a wildfire's inside you
People are like planes passing by, most fly through
I'm thirty-two, already forgot classmates from high school
And if you're bullied, baby, then you know what to do
Daenerys Targaryen, you're a dragon, it's true
Dracarys, flames fill the room
Someday you'll understand the power inside of you
All of Hell came to kill you but still couldn't silence you
Demons are hyenas, what's that to the lion in you?
Lioness, nothing less, believe me, it's true
You almost died after a year of perfect health
And I sat there and cried, "God, send me to Hell
If my sins have caused my daughter to be unwell"
I got a secret if you promise not to tell
A year later, I ended up in a cell
I should have been Baker Acted with the way that I acted
Punched the mirror, trashed the room, flipped the mattress
Body in one place, mind in fighter mode on the other side of the atlas
Caught a case, which was fitting 'cause I'm a basket
Like the one filled with dirty launder that got trashed with
My reflection when I picked up Momma's mirror and smashed it
Saw the high road and went past it
Covid hadn't hit yet, so I couldn't mask it
Out came the fangs
And I had a whole lot of names that I could have blamed
But the first name was my brain
You saw me in my fury, you saw me in the flames
Doctors called me to cure me, more pharmaceutical games
Uppers and downers, more pills for the pain
Nothing over-the-counter made me feel okay
Your mom took me to have doctors test my DNA
A test to show which meds would mesh and which to keep away
Problem is my results didn't say
First time they'd seen a test come back that way
How do you medicate a mind that doesn't allow it?
"Effexor, yes sir"
"But what are the effects sir?"
"I'm not sure"
"It's the only option on the roster, and even it doesn't say yes"
"So we can start you at 150 milligrams and see what's next"

One year later, and I was a wreck
Poly pharmaceutical close to cardiac arrest
Passing out randomly holding my chest
Waking up to you and Grandma rubbing my head
Those weren't panic attacks, I should have been dead
Mixing medications, no patience for this patient
I learned you're on the menu if you're not at the table
Tried to kill me in the valley, but internet trolls weren't able
"I read this, and I heard that", man, stop with the fables
I'm the best poet alive but never had a label, just labels
Klonopin for this Clydesdale, put my brain in a stable
My case got dropped, never committed a crime
But at the same time, nothing was fine
Except the picture of my mugshot at the time
ADD, Johnny Cash, gotta get back on the line
Too hard to walk it sometimes
Locked up outlaw in the pen
But could out-maul any of them with a pen
I'm not talking THC or CBD, I mean poetry
Awkward when people noticed me
Went from speaking to inmates to being one
From respected to lied, slandered, neglected
But all I did was break my own stuff, how did I get arrested?
"Sir, you shouldn't have", that's what the judge said
But to be honest with you? No grudge for the blue
Bipolar and suicidal, I was the only one in denial
Bipolar is a monster, and my mania's wild
One minute I'm flat like a Titanium iron
Next minute up like my backend's on fire
Then I'm back in the lows like nails in a tire
Bipolar is a rollercoaster, and I'm a good writer
Just not a good rider, with an "R"
I watched you fade from the back of that cop car
I presented the threat of violence due to lack of compliance
I never hurt anyone or even said that I would
But stalkers took it and twisted it just like I knew that they would
'Wife beater', 'Mistress hitter', "I heard that he worships Hitler"
"I heard that he hit his sister"
"I heard he's just an N-Word"

Their words turned me inward
Lies, lies, lies, just the Devil in disguise
Feels like I know the coroner by name, have I already died?
Keep the temperature at 36 to 39 tonight
The average mortuary's Fahrenheit
And what can I do, sit here and blame medicine?
Cymbalta, Effexor, Gabas, Xanax, and Addys?
Clayton, it's time for a refill, it'll help you feel happy
Five of the ten medications I was off and on and off and on
Losing my mind, I was halfway gone
All the while getting lied about and trashed on
Leeches to names like mine to get cash off
Every blog site can get Johnny Cashed off
Folsom Prison, I brought it back in Spring of 2019
Two middle fingers to the twisted system of greed
Where fallen people become food for the vultures to feed
Listen, Arabelle, don't ever let religion fool you for Jesus
Jesus doesn't live in temples
He's not like the religious
But I can't be a Pharisee to the Pharisees 'cause that was me
I was telling people Jesus could help them, but He hadn't helped me
Because I was too stubborn to fall to my knees
But when I did, He set me free, and you're a lot like me
Stubborn but powerful and born to lead
Still praying you have more of your mom in you than you have of me
I'm not afraid of Goliath, but I am of Bathsheba
I was David beggin', kicked those pills like David Beckham
Thirty-two degrees on Thanksgiving, cold turkey
Should have been dead way before I hit thirty
And during my withdrawals I thought of you
Like right now while my hand shakes in the booth
It would stop if I took that Benzo, but I won't though
Because I want to see my baby girl grow
I want to be at your graduation, kiss you at your wedding
Hold your hand when your heart gets broken by a boyfriend
Show up and kill him
Just joking, but you never know
Baby girl, I got your 6 wherever you go
I never hit your mom, obviously
I shrug off the lies, irrelevant elephants don't bother me
Jim Jones types, only nobody's following
They do tricks for treats like it's Halloween
Hate me but love me, so they never unfollow me
They hate the fact that I'm irreversibly irreverent
Not a pastor, priest, or reverend
Not my parent pastor or a friend
I'm me, and you'll never be me as hard as you try to be
I'm talking to the trolls, Arabelle, BRB
Ah, nevermind, let's let the dead RIP
Listen, baby, I struggle with Bipolar
And for some reason it's getting worse as I get older
And I don't know what the future holds, but I do know this
Wherever you go, that's where God is
And wherever I go, that's on me, not Him
And I don't plan on leaving, but sometimes I don't know
I have nightmares, night terrors, and premonitions
Guess the Devil hates you when you've already reached millions
How many canceled suicides before I have to kill myself?
How many inspired before I can retire?
How many more death threats and slanderous lies?
How many more ups and downs with your mom?
Middle school sweethearts, but she had the sweet heart
Listen, sweetheart, I'm Cavetime and Braveheart
Not down with the stealing masculinity, nope, not a sheep
Protecting you takes hours away from my sleep
But then I hear God whisper to me, "I got this"
And I become a hostage to Abba
Alpha, Omega, He already knows the end
So don't look back at me, baby, run toward Him
And run, and run, and run, and run, and run, and run, and run, and run, and run
And never stop running toward God's ocean of grace
At the Cross of Jesus is where you'll find your place
Serve others, help the hurting, feed the hungry
Shatter glass ceilings, honey, you could lead a country
You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength
But just run, and run, and run, and run, and run, and run, and run, and run, and run
And don't stop running this race called life
You were made to dream big dreams
You were made to help the hurting behind the scenes
You're a lioness, just like the lion in me
You were made to live loud
At three years old, you've made me so proud
And if I leave early, just know where I'll be
Out past the stars, bipolar free at Jesus feet
Just waiting on you and your momma
To be there with me

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